a promise to hold on to

I hopped on here a few days ago to post about struggling.  Then I started having this nagging sensation that I had already posted something on here in the past about struggling...so I looked and LO AND BEHOLD, yep.  Struggling.  About this time of year.  THREE. YEARS. AGO.  And I'm still struggling.

So I abandoned my draft - struggling 2.0 - and went back to my daily routine.

But tonight I can't sleep.  I took some cough syrup and settled into bed around 10:00 and three and a half hours later, here I am.  Wide awake.  Not even a little bit drowsy.  Normally, this would really stress me out but I have a weird calm and it's not the cough syrup.

It feels kind of like peace.  Unexpected joyful peace.

For awhile now, I've felt like God has been trying to remind me how the Israelites missed out on the Promised Land, bringing me back to their story and the same reoccurring themes.  Then out of the blue, I rediscovered this old blog and realized God has been trying to teach me these same things for awhile now…even longer than I remembered.  Ordinarily, I'm a pretty good student but apparently, this lesson is hard for me…and God really, really wants to make sure I get it.

So what warnings should I take from the forty years God's chosen people spent wandering in the desert before ultimately missing out on all God already promised and prepared for them?  I feel like God has been showing me a few common themes:

• a lack of faith that God loved them and would continue to provide (they doubted His goodness no matter how many times He proved Himself faithful)
• an ungrateful attitude that focused on a perceived lack instead of His proven provision (they were whiny complainers who were never satisfied)
• a habit of self-pity (they continually returned to a posture of feeling sorry for themselves)

Now, I don't want to be any of these things!  I want to be faithful and grateful and content…and I have every reason to be!  

But if I'm honest, a lot of the time (most of the time?) I'm not faithful…or grateful…or content.  On the contrary, more often than not, I'm negative, fearful, doubtful, bitter, resentful, woeful, jealous, insecure, untrusting, angry, disappointed…the list goes on and on.

I could come up with a litany of possible excuses or explanations but it would be a waste of time and while I can't really put into words everything I've been wrestling with God about recently (or for the last 10+ years), a sampling of my journal entries offers a pretty clear picture.

I want a promise.

I have been wanting - waiting - for God to give me a clear, specific, unmistakable promise.  

If I knew that God's plan for me was "[insert plan]" then I could be faithful and grateful and content in the waiting.  My reasoning went kind of like this: God told Abraham about a very specific plan.  He showed Joseph and David specific details about their destinies.  God gave Moses basically step-by-step directions.  So of course they could be faithful in the waiting…they knew exactly what they were waiting for.  They knew exactly what God wanted them to do.  They had a clear promise.  

So I have been asking (sometimes demanding, often begging) for my own clear promise to hold on to.  

Just tell me the plan, Lord.  Give me a promise.  Show me a sign.  Then I'll trust you, Lord.  Then I can wait patiently.  Then I can have peace.

And God has been incredibly merciful and compassionate and patient with me.  It turns out, He has given me a promise over and over and over.  I just kept missing it.  Because it wasn't the specific promise I've been asking for or expecting or wanting.

I love you.  My plans for you are good.  I can be trusted.  Without reservation.

Just give me a sign, Lord, some indication about whether I'm on the right track.  I want to want your will, Lord.  I just don't know what it is.  Help me.  Show me how to do better.  I can change, I will try harder.  Please give me another chance.  Make it clear to me.  Please let it be the way I want, Lord.  Please give me this thing I desire or show me clearly if its not this thing I so desperately want.

Believe that I love you.  Believe that my plans for you are good.  Believe that my timing is perfect and out of kindness to you - not unnecessary delay.  Will you trust me?  Will you believe me?  Will you wait for me, with me?  Will you let me prepare you no matter how long it takes? Will you take your eyes of the things you think you want and fix them on me and stop wavering in unbelief?  I love you too much to give you something broken.  Let me heal you.  Trust me.  Believe me.  Wait on me to move.  Stop getting in my way.  If you knew and understood how much I love you, you could enter my rest.  You can't fix it, you can only make it worse.  Only I can make it better but you have to trust me and give me time.  There's no better option.  I'm your only (best) hope.

God, I need you.  Please show me your will in a clear way that I can't possibly miss.  I'm so discouraged.  Please move.  Please work things out.  Please give me the desires of my heart.  Show me a sign.  Give me something to hold on to.  I just need to know what to pray for, what to ask for, what your will is.  I don't want to cling to something that isn't from you, but I don't know what to want…I need wisdom and clarity.  God, I'm just afraid you aren't going to give me this thing I want so badly.  I'm afraid what I want isn't your best.  I'm afraid you're going to ask more from me than I want to give, than I can give.

If you focus on trusting me, you won't need details.  You have to learn to rest.  If you truly knew and believed and understood how much I love you, you would trust whatever I have planned for you because you would know all my intentions toward you are good.  You wouldn't fear not getting what you think you want because you would know that I know your heart entirely and my plans for you are perfect.  I love you.  I know the desires of your heart.  You won't ever be disappointed trusting in me.  Trust me.  Wait with me. Believe me.  I'm not going to withhold good things from you.

***

So it turns out, I have a promise to hold on to.  You probably saw it before I did - but you're probably smarter than me.  

***

My promise is this:

I can trust God.  I can believe He has good plans for me.  I can rest in Him and wait with Him in expectation.  He wants me to trust and believe and rest and wait and expect.

Trust.

Believe.

Rest.

Wait. 

Expect.

***

Lord, I don't want to waste any more time wandering in the desert, doubting your goodness, questioning your motives toward me, demanding sign after sign, complaining and murmuring and feeling sorry for myself.  Please forgive me, Lord.  Thank you so much for your love for me, for your kindness toward me and for your endless patience with me.  YOU ARE MY PROMISE, LORD.  You are all I will ever need.  I trust you.  Help me trust you more.  I believe.  Forgive my unbelief.  Help me rest in you.  Help me to enjoy you and your presence as I wait on you and wait with you.  I know I can expect exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever dream of or imagine.  I know your plans are always better than mine.  I know your timing is always perfect.  I know your intentions toward me are good and that you are always working for the good of your children and for your glory.  I know you love me.  Help me understand your love.  Help it be so real to me that I'm overwhelmed to the point that I can never forget it.  I know you are faithful, God.  Help me remember when things don't seem to be changing.  I love you, Lord.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.