in the mean time

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

I haven't had a lot to write about lately.  Part of the problem is just the fact that life just gets busy - adjusting to a new job, training for my first marathon, and now the rapid acceleration of time that occurs every year around the holidays.  It seems like October 31 until January 1 is just a blur every year. 

I have plenty of excuses but the sad truth of it is that I haven't been feeling very close to God lately.  I know He is unchanging.  He never distances Himself from me or shuts me out...which means I'm definitely the problem.  I just haven't been spending as much time seeking Him or listening for His voice lately.  The result is that I don't have as much of the peace and joy that is available in His presence, and I miss out on the revelations He loves to give me if I'm close and quiet enough to hear. 

All this got me thinking that perhaps the hardest part of my journey with God isn't the darkness of the valley or the self-centeredness of the mountaintop but the slow uncertainty of the in between.  

We all love the good times - you get the dream job, you fall in love, your prayer is answered or your circumstances seem to fall in place.  God's presence and goodness are impossible to miss on the mountaintop.  And while no one wishes for the bad times when everything falls apart, there still seems to be a supernatural grace for those dark hours.  His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  It becomes clear that He is our only real comfort.  So even though it's hard and painful, God somehow feels so close and so real that it makes the valley meaningful and worthwhile and bearable.

And yet, the reality is that most of life is spent somewhere in the middle - not the depths of the despair or the heights of ecstasy but the day in and day out of ordinary life.  You go to school or work or the dentist.  You take vacations.  You shuttle around kids and clean house and stay up late watching "Friends" reruns.  You spend time with the same people mostly doing the same things.  You fold laundry and fold laundry and fold laundry.  Eventually, you may even put up the laundry - or you dig it out of a pile and wear it and wash it and fold it again...but I digress.  My point is that a big chunk of life is the mundane of pattern and routine.  Rinse and repeat.  Set your alarm with optimism.  Hit snooze repeatedly with regret. 

Life can start to feel like a whole lot of "meantime" between the big stuff, whether its the good (mountains) or the bad (valleys).  [I've actually heard people refer to it as a "mean time" because so many of us struggle with the waiting, the mundane, the uncertain, the in-between...it feels "mean" to be stuck there.]   

Hopefully, we are always growing and learning.  Hopefully, we soak up every minute up and enjoy all the big and small moments that make up a life.  Hopefully, we learn "the secret of being content in any and every situation" like Paul.  (Philippians 4:12).  But if you're like me, if doesn't feel like much is happening in the meantime you might just feel stuck...and tired...and uninspired...and frustrated.

I think these are the seasons the bible describes as periods of "waiting" or "resting" or "dwelling."  I'm learning that in these "mean times" I need to practice what John 15 refers to as "abiding."  Because even though I often feel all alone in these in-between seasons, God's word makes it clear that I'm actually in really good company.  Abraham had to wait.  Joseph waited.  David waited.  Moses waited.  The Israelites waited over and over and over.  Ruth.  Ester.  Jacob.  Elisha.  Caleb.  Paul.  JESUS.

Nobody's life is all mountains or all valleys - and that is part of God's kindness because we couldn't bear either of those.  We'd either become proud and self-reliant and out of touch with the hurting or we'd be broken under the weight of our own sorrows.  So God gives us the meantime to get to know Him...to discover how much He loves us...to learn how to love the people He loves better...to become more and more like Him.

"Everything God does is relational. He’s bent on turning every circumstance around so that we discover the height, depth, length and breadth of His love." - Graham Cooke

So how can I draw near to God in this mean time?  How can I abide a little better?  

I still have A LOT to learn but there are a few things God's been showing me:

1.  I can rest.  That doesn't mean taking more naps (although I'm convinced sometimes the most spiritual thing I can do for myself and the world around me is to just put myself to bed.)  The rest I'm really talking about is a soul rest.  It's letting go of what I can't control or change or understand.  It's refusing to worry to have something to do.  It's choosing to trust God.  It's accepting who and where I am and remembering that God's love for me has nothing to do with my efforts. 

"The Lord replied, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'"  Exodus 33:14

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

2.  I can choose truth over my feelings.  Some things are true whether I feel them or not.  God is sovereign...and good...and loving.  When the world feels out of control, when there seems to be more evil than good, when the future looks bleak and hopeless, I can still choose to believe God's word and trust in His character.  My feelings lie and change and half the time, even I can't understand them. This world and it's opinions are always shifting and morphing at the whim of the mob.  Only God is consistent.  Only His nature does not change.  Only He is eternally trustworthy. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  James 1:17

"God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"  Numbers 23:19

3.  I can get my focus off myself.  If I'm the center of my universe, life starts to feel really small and pointless and boring and petty.  Let's face it...we are all lovely people but we make terrible universes (just ask someone close to you).  When I shift my focus to loving the people around me and seeking out ways to bless others, I immediately start feeling better and lighter and more hopeful and closer to God.  There are a thousand studies about the benefits of volunteering and doing acts of kindness.  Try it.  I promise you'll like it. 

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to the family of faith."  Galatians 6:10 

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:32

Before we know it, another mountain or valley will arrive.  How prepared we are and how we respond will depend a great deal on what we have been doing with the mean time.  I don't want to waste another second.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  Psalm 90:12

can we all be friends again yet?

The past few days have been hard on my heart.  Not because of the election results - I believe God puts people in power, whether it's the person I voted for or not.  No, my heart has been hurt by the people that I love who have said or posted things that condescendingly lump together every other person that saw things differently than they did.  [And since the politics of this country are pretty evenly divided, every time we talk about "them" we are talking about half of all Americans...if you're like me and have a diverse group of friends, that could be a lot of people you care about.]

I know this was a particularly bitter election.  I know people are passionately invested in their view - I'm one of them.  I've been devastated over elections in the past because I truly could not comprehend what the people who voted opposite me were thinking.  But it is one thing to not understand or think the person who voted differently from you was wrong...misinformed...naive.  It is entirely another to size up their hearts and assign them motives based on your opinions.  And I'm sick of it.  And I'm suddenly awfully sorry for all the times I've done it.

If you know me at all you know that I'm not a racist.  I'm not homophobic.  I'm not uneducated or illiterate.  I'm not sexist or a misogynist.  I try not to hate anybody.  I really, truly have been praying and preparing to respect a leader I didn't vote for - a leader that I believed to be a liar and a cheater and a briber and quite possibly a murderer...a leader that believes things that go against my most important deeply held values.  But as a believer, I'm called to respect authority.  As an American, I'm called to appreciate the freedom we have and that means accepting what the people choose even when I think they've chosen wrong...even when their choice does not reflect me.  I realize that a lot of people were genuinely shocked by the outcome of the election so I'm trying to have grace and compassion for those that maybe haven't had enough time yet to adjust.  I know the stages of grief that come before acceptance.  I know it's hard.  Believe me, when it comes to politics, I've been there...more than once.

But...

I keep thinking about how, as a believer, I can show love.  How do I walk in love when people that I love are saying incredibly hateful things about me by lumping me into a group.  I've tried to stay silent.  I've resisted the urge to defend myself over and over.  (I didn't vote for hate, I voted against tyranny.  I didn't vote for a bully I voted against a crook.  What should you tell your kids?  Well tell them to be encouraged that you still can't lie, cheat, steal and murder your way into power.  How did this happen?  This happened because a lot of us are sick of being condescended to because we still value things like freedom and opportunity and life even if it is unborn.)  Because, you see, that is a big part of the problem - we are all picking our version of the "truth" and then throwing everyone else with a different "truth" under the bus.  We've got a bunch of labels we get to pick and apply.  I have seen so many slanted posts, articles, etc. that are presented as "truth" that I just want to scream.  No matter how authoritatively you say something, no matter how strongly you believe it, that doesn't make it TRUTH.  It's still your opinion.  Well, he IS a bully.  Nope.  Opinion.  Well, she IS a crook.  You guessed it, opinion.  Because very few things in this world are actually unequivocally true and when it comes to sizing up people's hearts and motives, we cannot know the depths of another person.  We can't.  Not possible.  Yes, he's said incredibly insensitive things.  Yes, she's been investigated.  Yes, we are all entitled to our opinions and our slant and yes, we're allowed to look down on people that just don't "get it" (according to us).

Unless...

If you're a believer, like me, we're called to something higher.   
We're called to love our neighbors as ourselves.  

Some of you are saying incredibly hateful things about me and my vote.  And I'm afraid if the tables were turned, I would be saying incredibly hateful things about you and your vote.  But I hope not.  I hope that I would be trying with all my might to be gracious and optimistic.  Because no single man or woman is going to destroy our country.  We the people might try but that's possible no matter who is President.  Ultimately, Jesus reigned long before there was a United States and He will reign long after this incredible idea has passed away.

Can we at least consider that we might never be able to change the world or politics on our own but we are going to interact with our friends and loved ones in real life, face to face?  And the things we are saying and doing right now impacts those friends and loved ones?

It hurts me when you categorize me as a bigot or an idiot or a homophobe.  I'm sure it hurts you when I categorize you as a baby killer or a free-loader or a moron.  It's not true and it's not helpful.  And I am so very sorry.  I remember how disappointed I've been in past elections.  I said things I wish I could take back.  This time, I'm trying to listen.  To love.  To understand.  And all I can say is this:  I'm sorry you're hurting.  I'm sorry that you're confused and disappointed.  I'm sorry you feel helpless and hopeless and out of touch with the new administration.  I understand.  I've felt all those things.  But can we just pause for a moment and remember who we are?  Remember our relationship?  I'm your friend, your niece, your co-worker.  I didn't vote out of hate, I voted out of the same frustration you're feeling.  I voted out of my faith just like you did. Can't we disagree on what this country needs and still realize we need each other?  Can't we still try to be kind instead of condescending?  Oh how I hope so.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  
1 Peter 4:8

enough

You know those moments when you witness or hear about or participate in something extraordinary?  When, like clouds breaking to reveal a beautiful sunny sky, all of the sudden the confusion and difficulty and pain of this world lifts...and you feel like you're a part of something massive and priceless and eternal?  Suddenly, love feels sweeping and palpable...and good is so completely and obviously greater than evil...and your existence is instantly filled with meaning?

a boy gives a stranger the shoes off his feet
a runner stops and goes back to help the competition cross the finish line
strangers work together and risk their own safety to rescue a dog from a raging river
a major city orchestrates a day for a little boy to be a hero
college students dress up like storybook characters to cheer up kids in the hospital
competing teams work together to let the team manager with autism score a goal
a man defends a girl he doesn't know at a bus stop from bullies
concertgoers lift up a guy in a wheelchair so he can see the show better
an entire town comes together to learn sign language for one young man
people shave their heads so that loved ones going through cancer don't feel so alone
a hairdresser goes around giving free makeovers to homeless people
people take time to serve the weak, the scared, the elderly, the broken
and this list could go on and on and on

*THIS* IS WHAT WE'RE CAPABLE OF.  
*THIS* IS THE CROWNING JEWEL OF CREATION.  
*THIS* IS HUMANITY.
 
***

Last night I had coffee with someone that I find to be extraordinarily beautiful and stylish and talented and lovely and good and kind and gentle and thoughtful and fun and sweet and about a billion other things and tears welled up in her eyes because the voice in her head doesn't speak those nice things to her.  The eyes that look in her mirror don't see what's really there.  She feels all kinds of things about herself but they can all be summed up in two little words.

not enough.

More often than not, she feels like she's just not quite "enough" - whatever enough is.

***

I'm in a Voxer group with several incredible, talented, smart, funny, creative, strong, beautiful, generous, loving (seriously, I could go on and on) women.  Lately, we have been talking about self-image...about the horrible, mean things we tell ourselves and the judgments we've felt from family and friends and strangers over our lifetimes.  Every single one of us has felt it.  Some of us feel it still.  Sometimes it's all we feel.

not enough.

We don't all agree what "enough" would look like or feel like but we agree that its a struggle to find it and live there.

***

I have an amazing life.  I've been blessed beyond anything I could ever hope to deserve.  Incredible family.  Amazing friends.  Health.  Education.  Opportunity.  Provision.  And for most of my life - nearly as far back as I can remember - I've battled depression.  It's too complicated to sum up in a paragraph but an enormous part of my struggle is the fact that I live with a cruel and spiteful bully.  Nearly every waking minute, she's taunting me: "you're hideous...why can't you do anything right...you look awful...no one wants to be around you...you're not smart enough to do this...nobody cares what you think...you are such a disaster...this is why you're single...you're completely unlovable..."  I would never spend time with another human being that treated me like this, and yet I let this wench berate me 24/7.  She reminds me over and over.

not enough.

Maybe I could be if I stopped hitting snooze or lost the weight or got out of debt...but certainly not the way I am right.this.second.

***

I know it sometimes feels like this world is going to hell in a handbasket.  I know life is hard and scary and impossible to understand.  I know some people are walking through circumstances I can't even bear to imagine.  So I'm not trying to be naive or simplistic.  I'm not trying to minimize anyone's struggle or pain.  And I'm not trying to be bossy.  Really.  I'm not.  But...

I think there is a really cool thing we should all try.  (But since I'm only in charge of me, I will just go ahead and get started.)

JUST BE KIND.

Be kind.  Be kind.  Be kind.

Be kind to the people you work with.
Be kind to strangers.
Be kind to people who are like you...and the people who are different.
Be kind to the Democrats...and to the Republicans...and to those radicals that are messing everything by voting third party. (I kid, I kid.)
Be kind to the people that don't drive right...the ones that take 23 items into the 10 item lane...the ones that text during movies.  (Insert your own pet peeve and then be kind to that person.)

Be kind to your family - I think sometimes that's harder because they've already seen your warts and they have to love you anyway...but that shouldn't be a license to test their endurance.  Yes, they can handle the worst of you...but don't they deserve the best?  Just try it.  Be kind.

Now here is the really hard part...

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

YOU.  The person reading this.  Whoever you are.  Whatever is going on in your world.
For just a moment tell that voice in your head that sounds like you but is a really mean little jerk to SHUT THE HELL UP.  (I'm sorry but I'm fired up!)

You are incredible.
You are lovely and rare and special in ways you can't begin to imagine.  
You are loved.  I promise you are.
You have so much good to offer this world and you're the only one that can give it.  No one else can be you.  Ever.  In all of history and for all the time to come.
You matter.
You are priceless.
You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin.  
You don't have to strive so hard - just rest for a minute in the reality that by just being you, you're changing the world forever.
You deserve to be at peace with yourself.
You - exactly how you are in this very moment - are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.

***

Ok, so remember how this all started - that feeling you get in the presence of the extraordinary?  You have the capacity to bring that feeling to everyone around you because...

YOU ARE EXTRAORDINARY.  

You are.  It is a fact.  You don't have to believe me.  Just sit with it for a moment and ask God what He thinks about you.  

***

Now - go out into the world and be who you are.
Try looking for the extraordinary in every single person you cross paths with.
See what happens.

*THIS* IS WHAT WE'RE CAPABLE OF.  
*THIS* IS THE CROWNING JEWEL OF CREATION.  
*THIS* IS HUMANITY.

P.S. If you ever need a reminder that people are extraordinary, google "restore faith in humanity" and you'll be bombarded with examples.  You should also follow Love What Matters on Facebook.  You're welcome.

new every morning

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"  Lamentations 3:22-24

Today I'm starting a new job but it feels bigger than just a first day...it feels like an entirely new beginning.  Maybe it is because I got to take a month off to travel and reflect.  Maybe it is because I'm completely changing practice areas.  Maybe it has more to do with the fact that fall always feels like the time for fresh starts.

It might also have to do with the fact that today I have been apart from the person I thought was "the one" for the same amount of time as we were together.

Altogether, it feels like a tipping point...a reboot, if you will.

***

I'm notorious for my "new beginnings".  I love starting a new program or setting new goals or making elaborate schedules or radical life makeovers.  I plan and plot and usually write out extensive to do lists and step by step processes.

My struggle is always in the application...putting the plan into action.  Because while I'm great with lists and strategies...I'm not so great with the follow through.  Every new month and every new Monday brings a new opportunity to make some huge life change - I strategize, schedule, set my alarm and usually...nothing changes.  I hit snooze, make excuses for running out of steam and life change gets put off for the next Monday, the next month.

***

But the reality is I don't have to wait for a new job or a new relationship or a new season or even a new Monday.  Because God, in His infinite kindness, gives me a fresh dose of His grace and mercy daily.  He knows before I do how much I'm going to need it.  He knows I can't handle even a day in my own strength.  He knows me.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:33-34

So today, I didn't get up with my first (or second...or third...) alarm.  I didn't run or do my pushups - they will be postponed until this evening.  But I did seek Him.  Because I want to walk through this day - through every day - with Him.  I want this new start to be in obedience.  I believe He put me in this place, in this season, and I don't want to miss a single thing He has for me.  I want Him to be my portion.  I want to seek His righteousness.

And I know that regardless of my many failures or falterings, He will be enough for me today.

Because He loves me.

And that is more than enough.

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me." Proverbs 8:17

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

on letting go

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."  C.S. Lewis

Over the past few weeks and months, I've been slowly letting go of lots of things and I'm realizing that letting go can be a bit of a process. 

Sometimes letting to is hard and painful and feels a little like a twelve-step program.  For example, in a recent situation...first, I had to let go of the fairytale I had in my head.  Then I had to surrender the hope that somehow it would all work out.  Then I had to give up my right to be the mistreated victim and lay down my bitterness...then my anger...then my hurt.  I had to let go of all my expectations and beliefs.  I had to give up the illusion of control.  I had to sacrifice relationships that kept me invested the situation.  A few times I've gone back and picked things back up...only to have to let them go again...and again.  At times, the losses have felt unending.  There's been no real goodbye.  There are so many things I don't understand.  There's nothing left to hold on to - not even friendship - no matter how much I wish there was.  Letting go is my only choice. 

Sometimes letting go is easy.  Over the summer, I finally sold a house I have not lived in since 2009.  I had to get information together, pay for inspections, do paperwork but I was glad to do whatever it took because I was excited to be free of the property.  I didn't feel any nostalgia or regret - it hadn't been my "home" for a long time.  Letting it go felt like laying down a heavy weight.

Often letting go is more complicated.  Friday was my last day at a job that has been good and bad and challenging and exciting and excruciating.  In the beginning, I loved it - I worked long hours and felt excited about everything I was learning.  I had high hope for all the experience I would gain - but that didn't happen.  Circumstances changed and the environment got worse and worse until I got to the point where I couldn't stay.  I was miserable.  Now I have an exciting new job that I'm incredibly blessed to have and I couldn't be any more excited.  I counted down the days I had left at work but when the time came to take my things off the wall and turn in my keys, I felt a great deal of regret about the way I was leaving things and the attitude I've had the past several months.  I'm going to miss getting to work with a really good friend.  I wish I had done so many things differently.  Letting go is easy but leaving is hard.

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you."  Proverbs 4:25

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:18-19

No matter what the circumstances are, you can't move through life and make progress without learning to let go, whether its of the things that are removed against your will or the things you willingly walk away from.

I'm realizing more and more, I have to be willing to let go of things to be able to receive the things God wants for me.  I have to be willing to leave behind the past to move forward into the future.  I can't be looking back and see what God has set before me. 

Learning to live open-handed is hard.  But fortunately, God sets the example by being open-handed toward me...and I'm so grateful that He does. 

"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."  Psalm 145:16

So, as I move into an exciting new season, I'm full of hope and optimism and peace because God always exceeds my expectations.  Always.  By letting go and opening my hands, instead of clinging desperately to what I will never be able to keep, I am opening myself up to what He wants to put into my life.  And if the last several months - and basically my whole adult life - have taught me anything, it is that He is good.  His plans are better than mine.  His timing is perfect.  He gives good gifts.

Most of all, with an open hand, I'm free to hold on to Him.

"Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind."  
Eccl. 4:6

on losing the battle of wills

God is sovereign.

God is good and kind and loving and a lot of wonderful things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.  But at the end of the day, He's also the boss.  He's the Alpha and the Omega and the creator of the universe, so it makes sense that it would be His way or the highway.  I understand that there is free will but I still believe everything that happens is somehow filtered through the omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God. 

[Obviously there are things I don't understand - I even wrote about it recently in the post too much - and minds far more advanced than mine haven't been able to fully reconcile the mystery of the relationship between God's sovereignty and free will but that is way beyond the point I'm making here.]

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

Even knowing that God is sovereign and His plans always prevail, sometimes, I still try to get God to do things my way.  I've used pretty much every tactic.  Reasonable compromise.  "Come on, God.  I know You created the universe, nice job by the way, but why don't we try things my way just this once?"  Hysterical begging and pleading.  "Please, God.  PUH-LEEEEEASE!!!  For the love of...well, you...please just let me have my way!!!!!"  Rationalizing flattery.  "If you would work this out like so, think of how you'd be glorified...I would give you all the praise and so many people would see how good you are."  Bargaining.  "God, if you will just do this one thing, I promise I will xyz or I won't xyz anymore."

My success rate is pretty low, something like 0% or so.  Plus, fighting with God usually makes me miserable.  When I try to bend God to my will, I always end up frustrated and disappointed and questioning what is true in life.  When I bend my will to His, I always end up in peace even if what He's asked me to do is difficult.

***

The thing I've been thinking about lately is why I try manipulate God instead of trusting Him.  I know He has more information that I do.  I know He's smarter than I am.  I know His intentions toward me are good.  I know He's always right and His plans are always better than mine.  Why would I want something He doesn't want to give me?  Why would I cling to something He wants to remove?  Why would I rush ahead of His perfect timing?  (Well, I know the answer to that one...His timeline always seems to be sooooooo....much.....slower.....than...mine.)

I think, at least for me, it all comes back to a lack of faith.  I love God.  I trust Him.  I believe He's good and that His intentions toward me are kind.  I believe He can do all things and nothing is impossible for Him.  I believe He answers prayers and does miracles and heals and restores.  But I'm also a little like the father in Mark 9.  I do believe!  But God, please help my unbelief.

"When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them.  As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.  "What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.  A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech.  Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."  "You unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."  So they brought him.  When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.  Jesus asked the boy’s father, "How long has he been like this?"  "From childhood," he answered.  "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."  "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."  Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."  The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He’s dead."  But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.  After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn’t we drive it out?"  He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
Mark 9:14-29

If I really trusted God, I would trust Him to know what I need...and to give it to me.  Of course I would still pray, but it would be out of my joyful confidence in Him...instead of trying to get something, it would be more like talking to a beloved friend about what is going on in my life and then leaving it all in His hands to sort out as He sees fit, in His way and His time. 

Instead, I often approach God like a beggar - "please oh please oh please "- as if He were a stingy tyrant who would otherwise withhold goodness from me. 

Sometimes, I come to Him more like a hostage negotiator - "let's all keep calm here and everyone can get what they want and walk away unharmed" - as if I have anything to leverage against Him.

Most often, I approach Him like a spoiled teenager - "I know you have what I want and you're able to do/give xyz but I'm not sure you're going to...but if you loved me you would do/give xyz because you would want me to be happy" - as if He owes me anything at all...or as if I really know what would make me happy anyway.

He has had to teach me over and over (and over and over, unfortunately) that anything He withholds is withheld because it would not be good for me at this moment or in this way or because He has a better idea.  Any delay from my timeline is for my benefit because I'm not ready or He is still working out other circumstances.  Anything He removes from my life, no matter how painful, is something that I'm not ready for or something that I've rushed ahead to grab or something that's in the way of something better He's planned for me.  Whatever His reasons, He always knows best.

Yes, I have suffered the consequences of other people's free will from time to time just as other people have suffered the consequences of mine.  But even in those situations, without exception, God used it for my good.  Otherwise, He would never have allowed it.  Sometimes, I haven't understood until much later, there are a few things I don't understand yet, and some I may never understand in this lifetime.  My understanding (or lack thereof) doesn't change the facts: He is sovereign, everything that happens to me passes through His filter, and He promises to use all things for good. 

***

So what is the point of all this rambling?  Good question.  I guess I just needed to remind myself for the millionth time that God is good.  God sees.  God knows.  God hears.  And God is sovereign. 

So I can stop begging and pleading and worrying and wondering about how to pray or what to want or how He's going to turn ashes into beauty.  God loves all the people I love - more than I do - and He's working things for good for them too so He doesn't need my input.  It is a waste of time and energy to be afraid of praying for the wrong thing or missing His will. 

And for the millionth time (at least) I can hear Him whispering, "Rest in Me.  Trust Me.  Believe I know what's best and I won't withhold any good thing from you.  Wait on Me.  Wait with Me.  Lay it all down, let it go and have a little faith, but for the love of Me, REST!"  (Ok, that last part was editorializing...but you get the point.)

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.  And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."  Matthew 6:5-8

too much

Some days are just too much. 

There are moments when this world just feels unbearable.  I wonder why God tolerates us sometimes.

A little girl was murdered in my state.  The details are too horrific to recount but her last moments on this earth must have been...I can't even think of a word.  There's no label bad enough.  The worst part is that her mother was involved.  I don't know all the details but the woman who gave her life and who was given the unique and miraculous privilege of protecting her, nurturing her, guiding her lovingly into adulthood instead invited in monsters.  Offered up her beautiful baby girl to evil beyond all imagination.  I don't care if she was a participant or simply stood idly by - she failed to guard the life entrusted to her.  The reports say she shows no remorse.

I know the excuses will be made.  Drugs.  Poverty.  Manipulation.  Abuse.  Nothing will change the fact that a precious child's last hours on this earth were spent in pain and fear - and her mother was right. there.  And she did nothing to stop it.  Worse still, she set the whole thing in motion.

I. just. cannot.

Thousands upon thousands in Louisiana have lost every single thing they own.  Hundreds are dead in Italy after an earthquake.  Two nuns were murdered.  NUNS!  Some guys blew up a turtle with fireworks.  A FREAKING TURTLE!!!  Cops pulled over a drunk driver and there was a baby in the backseat covered in vomit.  Seriously???

I. don't. understand.

***

I gave up tv in July 2013.  I don't watch the news anymore, I just get headlines online and occasionally google things.  There were lots of reasons I made the choice but one of the big ones was I just couldn't carry the weight of it anymore.  Sometimes when I look around the world, the view is so unbearably ugly I feel like I might get swallowed up by the darkness.

***

I can't tie this into a happy ending yet.  I don't get it and I don't understand why God tolerates it.  But I don't get a lot of things.  Gravity.  The internet.  How a criminal is running for president.  Why anyone pays attention to Kimye.  Pokemon.  Vegans.

So tonight I will try and stick to what I know.  God is good.  Without exception.  God is sovereign.  Without flaw.  God is love.  Without ending.

And when I really stop and think about it, for every single act of evil I've ever seen or heard about, I've seen or heard about 10,000 acts of good.  So tonight, when I don't have words or scriptures and I don't understand, I will think about all I know and focus on all the good I've seen.  I will trust that the hands that formed the world are holding each and every hurting heart tonight.

***

From the end of the Mockingjay...
Katniss: "Did you have a nightmare? I have nightmares too. Someday I'll explain it to you. Why they came, why they won't ever go away. But I'll tell you how I survive it. I make a list in my head... of all the good things I've seen someone do. Every little thing I can remember. It's like a game. I do it over and over. Gets a little tedious after all these years, but... there are much worse games to play."

***
UPDATE: If you read this, please take a moment to pray for the officers and first responders that found Victoria and for all her friends and family.  Thank you. 

on people over politics

It might be hard to imagine, but I really have come a long way.  I used to get sucked into political arguments like matter gets sucked into black holes.  During the 2012 election, I couldn't scroll 3 inches without offering my opinion, correcting someone's misinformation, or starting a fight.  I wasn't necessarily trying to be argumentative (I told myself), I was just passionate about this country, ideals, the role of politics in our lives.  Unfortunately, I was also prideful, overly invested in my position and genuinely offended by people that didn't see things correctly (i.e. like I did).

I can't pinpoint when I started tearing down the idol of politics in my life - and there is still a lot of work to be done - but a few things come to mind as markers in the journey. 

• I dated an amazing guy who was politically on the other end of the spectrum. 
• I went to law school and met people, good and smart and godly people, that didn't agree with me on politics.  (I know it sounds condescending, but this was truly shocking for me.)
• I moved in to a missional living community and realized these people had radically different priorities than I did and their personal values trumped concepts like politics or democracy or capitalism...and their ideals seemed to line up way better with scripture than mine. 
• I began learning more and more about the power of the spoken word and that by speaking out fear and negativity about the state of politics, I was only feeding other people's fear and negativity...I wasn't educating people or actually changing anything, I was just adding fuel to the fire more often than not.
• I heard Andy Stanley preach a series called "Tough as Nails" and he talked about how Christians should be the least afraid people in the world - particularly in the area of politics - because we know God is sovereign.   
• I studied teaching after teaching about the greatest command (see Matthew 22:36-40 below about loving God and loving others) and realized you can't truly love someone you look down on.

I'm sure there are other key points along the way - like when I offended people I genuinely care about on Facebook over some opinion or fact I couldn't bear not to share (and I'm not even saying my opinions or facts were bad or wrong but if they put me at odds with people relationally that's a problem).

At some point it struck me that if I'm a believer, no matter how much I love America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment, all of those things are all secondary to Christ.  His glory, His kingdom, His people always come first.  ALWAYS.  That isn't to say that I don't think America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment are important - I do!  They are vitally important.  People need to be aware and educated.  What happens in politics matters.  But not compared to Christ.  Only He is sovereign.  Only He is eternal.  Only He is above all else.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."  Ephesians 1:18-23

Recently, it hit me again that I was putting the idol of politics (or perhaps the idol of my opinion) before people.  I was crafting a particularly snarky comment about a politician who doesn't need to be named (but if he was named, his name would rhyme with Ernie Flanders).  About the time I finished my scathing critique of anyone who could possibly be considering voting for him, I noticed a dear and lovely person whom I adore had just posted something showing support for said politician...and instantly, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart.  Because if I had posted my comment moments before, I would have inadvertently been directing my hateful comment right. at. her.  I would never in a million years want to say or do anything that would hurt this person - no matter how much I disagreed with her politics.  I immediately deleted the post and I have tried really hard to refrain from any condescending rants since which, let's face it, is particularly hard in this insane political season we find ourselves in.

[Disclaimer - I still sometimes post political comments but I truly try to keep it to a minimum and I really do attempt to refrain from snark as much as possible.  I'm trying to stop altogether but I'm a work in progress.  Plus, in the cesspool that is politics, I still think there are still lesser evils that need to be pointed out to people that don't seem to see it.  Just keep praying for me.]

***

Still the point is this: my voice doesn't really impact the current political climate and is unlikely to sway the minds of voters.  It is highly unlikely that anything I say or think or post is going to change the world or the issues. 

BUT...my voice may impact the heart of someone I care about.  It could sway someone's mind about me...and if I'm sharing my faith (and I try to) then it might also impact someone's opinion about God.  And if there is even the smallest chance of that, I don't want the impact to be negative.  I would rather someone vote for Ernie Flanders or keep the current guy a third term than get a bad picture of God because of me. 

Because I don't know what would solve all the world's problems politically, but I definitely know the only one who CAN save this world and He isn't running for president.  But He IS sovereign.  And eternal.  And He adores each and every someone I risk impacting negatively.  I don't ever want to be a stumbling block for someone knowing Him or receiving His love.

I will still vote and learn about the issues and have strong opinions and probably be overly passionate from time to time.  But with all my heart, I truly want to put God and the people He so dearly loves first.  ALWAYS.  Without exception.  Even those of you on the other side of the aisle.  ;)

"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together.  One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."  Matthew 22:34-40

on sticking it to satan

I have an obsessive mind.  I don't let things go.  I dwell.  I ruminate.  I weigh pros and cons and imagine all possible scenarios.  I have pretend conversations in my head.  Sometimes I draw friends and family in to my crazy and invite them to obsess and dwell and imagine with me.   

Having a recurring thought loop usually wears me down and stresses me out and generally steals my attention and my joy.  I get distracted at work.  I get depressed when I'm alone with my thoughts.  It rarely helps me solve anything, instead it just makes the situation seem bigger and worse the more I obsess.

Lately I have been practicing taking my thoughts captive and trying to make them obedient to Christ.  The problem is, because I have an obsessive mind, I have to do it over and over and over.  It's exhausting.  To be totally honest, lots of days I don't really have much success. 

Then a new alternative came to mind. 

What if every single time one of these thoughts came to mind, instead of trying to solve it, I just started praying about it?  What if I turned my obsessive thinking into obsessive praying?  What if every trigger that starts me down the road of worry instead drove me to my knees?  I still need to make my thoughts line up with God's Word but for some of the harder, more repetitious worries/fears/obsessions, what if instead of having a battle of wills again and again, I just surrender and say to my brain, "You win - I have no idea about that but my God can figure it out...Lord, will you take this and make something good of it?  Will you heal him?  Will you restore her?  Will you do a miracle beyond anything I can even imagine right now?"

I can't imagine that anything but good could come of this new habit and I certainly have nothing to lose...but then I got to thinking about another totally added bonus...

If I really could start taking these thoughts/worries/fears/obsessions that have plagued me for so long and turning them into prayers and communications with God, that would mean taking something the enemy has used to torment me and distract me from God's goodness and using it to draw closer to God and build up my faith...

and that would really stick it to satan, wouldn't it?

That's reason enough for me to give it a try.

 

you can't stop me

I just had the most rebellious thought.  And then it snowballed into dozens of others.  Total anarchy in my mind.  I feel so wild and crazy.

I can love someone who doesn't love me.  Even if she hates me, I can love her.  I can pray for her every single day and wish good for her and want God's best for her.  She doesn't believe in God?  That's ok. I do.  I can pray that the God she doesn't believe in just dumps blessing after blessing on her and chases her down with His kindness and love. 

And she can't stop me.

I can be kind to someone who is not kind to me.  Has never been kind to me and will never be kind to me.  Someone who will likely mock me for any kindness I show.  I can show kindness over and over and laugh to myself as I walk away, thinking...

"You can't stop me."

I can refuse to let any bad rumor I hear change my opinion of someone I care about.  I can decide that no matter how many bad choices he makes, no matter how messy he makes his life, I will not judge him.  I will be his friend if he ever needs me.  I will always believe the best about him.

No one can stop me.

I could work hard and do a really great job for an employer that has not treated me well or fairly.  I don't want to...I haven't been...and I'm not entirely sure yet if I actually will...but I could...

They couldn't stop me.

***

All that gets me to thinking how this kind of behavior could get right out of control...

I could over tip for bad service just to try and bless the servers that clearly despise their jobs.

I could let someone share his or her totally illogical and insane political argument that has no basis in fact or reality and just nod politely or say, "Hmm...I hadn't really thought of that" without any rebuttal whatsoever.

I could "like" a picture of the umpteenth "I love my spouse" challenge post and not roll my eyes or be jealous or resentful because even thought it's not my turn today someday it will be and I might want to post a lovey-dovey picture every single day.  Let's face it, I'm totally going to want to do that. 

I could forego the "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" yell and matching hand signals when someone is driving five under the speed limit in the passing lane, back up off his bumper and just smile sweetly when I finally get a chance to blow his doors off.

***

Yes, this might all lead to me getting taken advantage of or hurt or labeled a doormat or mocked and ridiculed.  I will probably look stupid...a lot.  It might be painful and expensive and exhausting and discouraging.  I might not make good time on the interstate.  It would certainly require me to die to myself repeatedly...but maybe that would be good practice.

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."  Luke 9:23

***

It's just a thought. 

I'm not saying I will do any of these things (I certainly don't want to right this minute) but perhaps I should at least consider it...because I could...

No one could stop me.

on peace

All my life, I've prayed for peace.  It's pretty standard boilerplate in my prayers for myself and others.  God, give me your peace that passes understanding.  Pour out your peace over him.  Fill them with your supernatural peace, Lord.  Give us peace like a river in this situation.

But recently God showed me something that totally ASTOUNDED me.  An epiphany.  Seriously.  It blew my mind.  (I realize others may have already figured this out but sometimes I struggle with even the basic concepts.  It's ok.  God is patient with me.)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

He left peace for me.  With me.  HIS PEACE.  As a gift.  He expects that peace to keep my heart from being troubled.  He thinks that peace should prevent me from fearing anything. 

As in, peace is just here all around me, freely available for the taking.  And if I don't have it, it's because I'm choosing not to.  Peace isn't something I have to beg Him for, its something I already have access to - I simply have to choose to experience it.  To take hold of it.  Pick it up.  Live in it.

Peace is my inheritance.  It cannot be taken away by my circumstances.  It isn't weakened by my trials or strengthened by my blessings.  In fact, I've found recently that the more painful my external situation, the deeper and more powerful that peace feels.  Because its HIS peace.  And He is all-powerful and perfect and unchanging.  Of course His peace is also powerful and perfect and unchanging.

So why don't I always have it?  I'm not entirely sure, but I have a few ideas:

I'm thinking about the wrong things. 

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful."  Colossians 3:15

I've heard it said a number of different ways but the bottom lines is what you focus on, you magnify.  Whatever rules your mind will eventually rule your heart and then your actions and ultimately your life.  I have the choice to make peace a priority...but if instead I choose to fixate on my lack or my trial or my stress or even my lousy mood, I probably will sacrifice the peace that's available to me.  Thankfulness is always a good place to park my mind if I'm trying to get it off the wrong things and it almost always opens my eyes to the peace that's available to me.

I'm doing or pursuing the wrong things.

"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it."  1 Peter 3:11

Some days, I just want to pout.  I want to feel sorry for myself.  I want to whine and moan and grumble and complain.  I know that's really stupid but I'm being honest.  Sometimes there is something about a pity party that just feels good. 

Other days, I just want to be lazy.  I don't feel like taking my thoughts captive or praying or meditating on truth.  I'd rather watch trash tv and surf the internet and Facebook stalk people and maybe do a little judging and comparing and mocking.  I know that's really awful but I'm being honest.

There are a million big and small ways I pursue anything and everything but peace - and I always suffer the consequences because where there is no peace, there is a vacuum for a lot of other miserable things like jealousy, hatred, bitterness, disdain...sin, sin, sin...the list goes on and on.

I'm trying to understand instead of trusting God.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

God's smarter than I am.  Obviously.  But even more than that, He has the whole picture - as in, from the beginning to the end of time.  He knows the hearts of everyone involved.  He knows not only the who and the what and the where, He knows the how and the why.  And then there's the fact that He's sovereign.  He's in control.  He can actually work on the situation without making it worse like I so often do.  If I will just accept all of this, pick up His peace and lay down trying to work it out - because let's face it, I can't even solve a Rubik's cube -  then His peace can guard my heart and my mind from all those things that steal the peace in the first place. 

Because I'm realizing that when I don't take hold of the peace He's offered me, I suffer more than just the lack of peace...I become weak and open to discouragement, fear, exhaustion, worry, self-pity, unbelief, even just a plain old bad attitude.  It's one more way of basically shouting to the enemy, "Hey, look over here!  I'm totally unprotected by His peace so you should come torment me awhile!"  Dumb, dumb, dumb.

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."  Isaiah 26:3

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you."  Isaiah 54:10

Peace is a gift, a blessing.  It is a protection for my mind and heart.  It is freely given and cannot be shaken or removed.  God gave it to me.  I'd be crazy not to grab it and hold on to it with all my might.

all things

Let me be clear.  This blog was never meant to be about love or relationships or my longing for a husband.  Those things tend to come up now and then because of the season of life I'm in (and have been in for what feels like an eternity now...but that's neither here nor there...) 

Regardless, the focus was never on my earthly circumstances whatsoever. 

This has always been about seeking God...finding Him and missing Him...knowing Him and being known by Him...trying to understand His heart toward me...growing more like Him...faltering and allowing Him to pick me up...wrestling with Him...learning His will...loving Him and letting Him love me...serving Him...being fully satisfied in Him alone...

This blog simply catalogues the process of me sorting out what He's teaching me in hopes that I can really get it and maybe encourage someone else along the way. 

***

A verse that has been swirling around in my life recently:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28 (emphasis added)

***

I've always loved this verse and mostly believed it.  Obviously there are seasons when it feels harder to believe than others but ultimately, I know it has to be true because God included it in the Bible and God doesn't lie and because I've seen it play out in my life and the lives of those around me over and over and over again.

God using sickness to restore relationships...turning an unplanned baby into a miracle child that blesses a family...taking a childless couple and making them amazing parents to children that would have otherwise been dealt a terrible hand...healing and showing off His awesome power while knitting together an incredible gift in her mother's womb and then continuing to amaze and astound at every phase of growth...refusing to answer prayers that would have ultimately destroyed the person asking...opening and closing doors to get someone to the exact right place and time...

I really could go on and on.  And yet, every time I'm in the experiencing "all things" phase, I tend to focus on my characterization of the thing - this is sad, unfair, impossible, devastating, hopeless.  Even knowing the promise and the Promise-Keeper, it is so hard to take my eyes of the situation and put them on Him while waiting for Him to bless me with the "works for good" part.

Right now, I'm trusting (ok, trying really hard to trust) that God is going to use the most recent thing for good - not just for me but for every other person involved.  Right now, I can't imagine how He could possibly do it. 

What was lost seemed so amazing, how could He possibly improve upon that?  The wounds seem too deep, how could He possibly bring anything good out of this mess?  And yet, I know that He will work it for good because He always does.  He promises He will and He always keeps His promise.  He will work all things for good.  Not some things, all things.  Not for something tolerable, for something good.  No exceptions. 

So all my hopes and dreams that now seem impossible?  He will work them for good.
My broken heart and disappointment?  He will work them for good.
The confusion and stress and conflicts and loss swirling around those I love?  He will work them for good.

The same is true of the many other much harder things that others find themselves up again in this moment.  Cancer.  Death.  Divorce.  Loss.  Betrayal.  Prison.  Financial ruin.  He will work them all for good. 

ALL OF IT. 

ALL THINGS. 

FOR GOOD.

***

So right now I don't have to understand or imagine how He will manage it because His ways are beyond my comprehension. 

I don't actually have to do anything. 

He did it all when He called me according to His purpose...and when I loved Him because He first loved me. 

After I wrestle my way through all the swirling thoughts, somehow it always circles back to the same instructions He has been lovingly whispering over me for years - simple words that are clear and straightforward and unmistakable but oh so hard for me to obey...

Trust Me.  Rest in Me.  Wait on Me.  Believe I'm working on your behalf.  All things. For good.

on going to war (choosing)

Sometimes when God is really trying to get my attention, it seems like I hear the same thing over and over from a dozen different sources.  My most recent example is this statement:

YOU MUST DECLARE WAR ON NEGATIVITY

The idea keeps coming up in almost everything I read, every podcast I listen to, random conversations I overhear...its like a broken record.  Now, God has been dealing with me about being negative for months but lately He's gotten really specific...and very emphatic.  No more "focus on the good" or "practice gratitude" or even "feed the right wolf" - no, playtime is over. 

We're going to war. 

***

I've been working on this post for awhile but I'm still struggling with how to put into words an idea that feels so big and profound and important, especially because God seems to be beating me over the head with it.  It just keeps coming up.

Recently I've been having some really, really, amazingly good days.  I've been full of peace and joy and hope.  It's important to note that NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES.  The only shift has been my perspective.  Instead of focusing on how sad I am over what was lost, I've been trying to focus on all that the good that God promises to bring out of any situation I surrender to Him.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I've been trying to thank God for rescuing me quickly.  Instead of giving in to anger and bitterness, I've truly tried to pray for blessings for those who have hurt me.  Instead of questioning why God allowed this, I've been trusting that He knows best and all His plans are good.  I can't deny the results - I've truly felt like a new person.

But the past couple of days I've been distracted.  I've been wishing for some kind of peace or closure.  I've been wondering how people that I care about are doing but I'm unable to reach out because of everything that's happened.  I've been thinking about how different things were two months ago and trying to predict what will be different two months from now.  Instead of trusting God with the situation I find myself in, I've been wishing somehow the situation could be different.  I've slacked off with my praying and thanking God.  And I can feel the shift in my attitude.

***

Over the last month or so, I've been learning about the atmosphere we create with our thoughts, words and actions.  All day every day we are creating an atmosphere around us and it is either an atmosphere of hope, peace, joy, and trust or one of doubt, fear, worry and negativity.  A positive atmosphere invites the Holy Spirit but a negative atmosphere invites the enemy. 

In addition to the atmosphere we're creating around us, we are also traveling in and out of other atmospheres.  There is an atmosphere where you work, where you go to school, where you live...and each person you interact with brings his or her atmosphere.  [I know it sounds a little kooky but bear with me...]

So, when I dwell on God's goodness and the great things I trust He is working out in my life (even if I don't currently see any changes), I'm creating a hopeful, joyful atmosphere.  That kind of atmosphere welcomes the Holy Spirit to speak more goodness over me, to give me greater vision and revelation for a positive future...it allows me to experience more of God's nature: peace, patience, joy, etc.  But if I drift into wistfulness or discouragement or fear or worry, then I create an atmosphere of negativity that actually attracts affliction from the enemy. 

When I get into negative thoughts, words or actions, I'm basically sending a formal invitation to the one who came to kill, steal and destroy to come hang out and torment me.  It's like painting a giant bullseye on myself for the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Why would I ever do that?

***

I don't know if any of this makes sense but here are a few thoughts God keeps bringing to my mind:

You have to declare war on hopelessness/depression/despair/worry/fear - they are all from the enemy.

Get in agreement with God - He is good, His plans are good, His timing is good.

You don't need to understand why - you just need to trust Him.

Your feelings lie.  Focus on truth.  Stop focusing on your feelings.  Focus on God's nature.

You overcome negativity by rejoicing and being thankful.

It is better to be presumptuous about God's goodness than to hang back in unbelief.

Negative feelings and thoughts make you vulnerable to the enemy.

You get to choose what to think - replace lies with truth.  Always listen to God instead of the enemy.

The enemy hates joy because he knows it is your strength but you can always be joyful because of who God is and how He loves you.

Any circumstance God allows He will use for good.

Joy, peace and rest are always an available option.

Your confession should always be about God's nature instead of your circumstances.

Believe the best in every situation.  Be filled with hope.  Trust God.  Decide in advance that nothing can steal your joy.

***

The thing I'm realizing is that taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) is hard work.  Its constant...continual...and it never stops.  I can't do it once or twice or even for one whole day and then expect my mind to be healed and ready to think only positive thoughts.  I've got an enemy working against me, I live in a broken world and I've developed the habitual mindset I have now over decades.

I am going to have to choose over and over and over and over.

Eventually, it might get easier.  There is plenty of research that focusing on the positive and practicing gratitude and choosing your thoughts actually changes your brain.  But until then, I'm in a battle.  And odds are, even if I experience tremendous growth and change and victory, this battle will come up again in my life.  Likely, I will have to fight for control of my mind and my words and my actions for the rest of my life - certainly in the valleys and we all know the valleys are inevitable.  But I don't have to be caught off guard by the battle...after all, God has already told me: this is war. 

And the good news is that its a war that's already been won.




PS I have a lot of recommendations of good resources if you're interested in learning more about this topic - just message me.

when you don't understand and there is no closure

For a week or so I was feeling much better - hopeful, joyful, expectant.  But over the weekend, the clouds of self-pity rolled back in, the tears came down and I found myself back in a flood of negativity, bitterness and pain.  I'm not sure where it came from.  I really thought I had come to peace with everything.  I accept that its over.  I know God has already used it for more good than I thought possible and I know He isn't finished.  I wouldn't go back to the way things were now even if that was an option and I know its not.  I'm excited and hopeful about the future.  I know God will take care of those I love that are no longer a part of my life.  He has good plans for all of us.  I trust Him to bring them to pass.  I have joy and peace and expectation for this new season of growth and change.

And yet...I've been sad the last few days and I don't know why.  I suppose there are just so many things I still don't understand.  How do you go from planning a life together to never speaking again?  Why bring me into the family and make me feel a part of something and then suddenly take it all back?  How can someone love you one day and feel nothing at all for you days later?  Why make promises like forever and "I'll never hurt you" only to turn around and break them all without any explanation?  Why wasn't I worth fighting for?  Didn't I deserve a face-to-face conversation?  How could I be so easily and so quickly replaced and rejected by everyone I thought cared about me?  How could I have been so mistaken to think this was my fairytale? 

I know the questions aren't really fair.  There are three sides to every story - his, mine and the truth.  I know that I will never get answers, even if there were answers to be had.  A part of me just wants an explanation or a simple, but genuine "I'm sorry."  I guess I'd like an acknowledgment that promises were made and broken and I didn't just make the whole thing up...that I didn't start this or accelerate it, that I wasn't plotting some elaborate life for us all by myself, that we both bought into this love and got swept away by it, even if only for a moment.  I suppose I would like a face-to-face conversation so I can look into those eyes I've adored my whole life - to get one last look and hopefully see for myself that I didn't completely misjudge this person for thirty years...that the good is still there, that it hurt him to hurt me, that neither of us ever dreamed it would turn out this way.

But I'm not going to get any of that.  There will be no closure because sometimes there is no explanation.  Sometimes, despite all the best intentions, feelings change.  Circumstances get in the way.  Promises that were true when given become impossible to keep.  I don't know if I believe any of that but whether or not I do, I think it might still be true.  I don't think there was a malicious intent.  I think sometimes life is overwhelming and the path of least resistance just becomes the only way out when you're mentally and physically and emotionally beaten down.  I think easy becomes more appealing that honest.  Maybe it's easier to scrap everything and start over, fresh, without all the pressure and obligation and expectation.

Part of my problem in life is that I like things to be clear cut - black or white, right or wrong, good guy and bad guy...but the reality is that a whole lot of life, especially life with other human beings, ends up being lived in the gray area.

The bottom line is I don't understand and I may never understand.  I don't have closure and I probably never will.  I still have to go forward and trust that God is still good and everything that happens in my life is filtered through His kindness.  Perhaps knowing that is enough.

When I try to understand my circumstances, I end up lost in a sea of confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, self-pity and discouragement.  But when I fix my eyes on God - His goodness, His power, His sovereignty, and His provision, the waters calm and I can rest and hope and wait in joyful expectation because He's always working for my good and always surprising me with His exceedingly, abundantly more. 

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" 
Psalm 8:3-4

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 
Isaiah 55:9

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." 
Proverbs 3:5-6

So tonight, I'm choosing to let go of trying to understand and I'm accepting that there is no closure.  Because God loves me and He's good and He's sovereign and He promises to use all things for good. And that will be enough.

if I'm being honest

When I start writing on here, its usually because one of two things has happened:

1. I've gotten a revelation I want to remember or need to put into practice
2. I'm working through something and struggling and I hope that by putting it out into cyberspace I can get a revelation

This post is different - it is less of a note to self and more of a disclaimer to anyone reading...

If I'm being honest...I have been praying a lot more than normal lately just to get through the days (and nights) so I feel like I've been learning a lot more than normal (and therefore posting a lot more than normal).  It often works like that for me - you can see it in the timeline of this blog.  In the valleys, I seek God with a lot more consistency and intensity...then He brings me out into the green meadow beside the still waters and I get distracted by other things or just busy enjoying the fact that I'm not in a valley anymore.  Inevitably, I drift off course and eventually find myself back in the valley.  Once I'm there, my misery and confusion drive me back to seeking God and His rescue.  And because He is faithful even when I am not, He never rejects me.  Instead, He welcomes me with open arms and I always find myself wondering why I ever looked for joy or peace or satisfaction anywhere other than in Him.

If I'm being honest...this pattern of up and down, near and far from God has been the story of my life.  Although I have always loved God and been drawn to spiritual things, even as a young child, I haven't walked with Him very consistently.  We do lots of trips in and out of the valley.  And because of my inconsistency in seeking Him, I haven't experienced the victorious life I'm promised as a believer.

Take, for example, the past several months.  I had other priorities - things I thought were good priorities - that kept me from focusing on God.  I didn't have the time or inclination to really seek Him and His will.  It wasn't that I turned my back on Him or stopped believing altogether.  I just didn't have room or time in my life to make him a priority.  And because of the growing distance between us, I made choices I knew dishonored Him.  I ignored His whispered warnings and red flags.  I focused on my desires and didn't consider what was best for those around me.  Not because I didn't want to be obedient or because I didn't trust God.  I just had other things I wanted more and I thought it would work out ok in the end because I love Him and He loves me and He's forgiving.  Besides, everyone falls short, right?  I know lots of people that didn't do everything right at the beginning of their relationship and it still all worked out.  The rules are kind of impractical in this day and age, aren't they? 

The only reason I mention all of this is clarify that I don't walk around on a cloud of holiness obeying God and hearing His voice 24/7.  Not that anyone thinks that...especially anyone that knows me. 

Still, I don't want a single person to read this and think I'm trying to come across as holier than thou.  I'm not.

If I'm being honest...I'm a complete hot mess, despite my prayers and studies and good intentions and even with all God's power and love and goodness working in me.  I still have road rage on a daily basis...basically every single time I get behind the wheel.  My attitude at work right now is atrocious.  I gossip.  I whine and complain.  I battle with self-pity to an embarrassing degree.  Sometimes I go out with a friend for happy hour, have one glass of wine too many and send long, sad emails or texts to people that I know do not want to hear from me anymore.  I'm undisciplined to a degree that is appalling.  (A few examples: I have stayed up until nearly 1 a.m. every night this week on social media, I have done so much online shopping lately that I get as many Amazon shipping notices as I do family group texts, and I have been eating cookie dough for dinner lately...and those are just off the top of my head.)  I try to control people when I feel insecure and when I feel hurt or scared, I push the ones I love to their breaking point.  Even when God tells me to let things go and trust Him with them, sometimes I still think He needs my help and I end up being a bit of a stalker and ultimately making things much, much worse.  I'm prideful and selfish and lazy and sometimes I'm downright mean...and I could go on and on with my flaws and failures...and those are just the ones I'm brave enough to mention.

I just want to make it clear that these notes are part of my struggle...my journey toward and with God...and not an attempt to make myself look like I have it altogether, which should be obvious from the notes themselves.  I know better than anyone how far I am from where I want to be.  I know the smallest hint of good in me is only the result of God's miraculous work.

Still, if I'm being honest...I know I'm not the same person I was when we started this walk...and I'm pressing on to where God wants to lead me.  I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that I am perfectly loved. 

These notes are a way of trying to sort out and settle the lessons I feel like God is teaching me.  I share them because I feel like He's asked me to even though it makes me feel raw and exposed sometimes.  I try not to worry about how people respond because I know I'm doing this for Him and not for anyone else.  But if I'm being honest, sometimes I still worry about sharing this much of my soul.  I'm scared about how people will take it and use it and whether or not they will judge me.  I'm afraid of what happens when I stumble or stop hearing God or hear Him completely wrong. 

But...if I'm being honest...none of that matters when I return my eyes to Him.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  Hebrews 12:1-3

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:14

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

                                                                

on new beginnings

I love a new month!  It's like a blank slate, a fresh start, a do-over.  And after the last month, I could really use all of the above.  My intention is always to start off awesome - get up early, work out, spend time reading my bible, etc. etc.

That didn't happen today.  Instead, I totally overslept.

I couldn't sleep last night because something I posted on here offended someone I care about.  That truly wasn't my intent and what I posted was true so I immediately wanted to explain and defend myself, but all night as I tossed and turned, God kept telling me to lay it down.  Telling me that He's my defender.  Telling me that the part of me that wants to explain and justify is pride and fear of man.  Telling me to rest...to trust Him...to let go. 

The verse that kept coming back to me is this one:

(Jesus speaking:) "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven." 
Matthew 5:43

Now I don't think of the person I accidentally hurt as my enemy so I couldn't figure out why this verse kept coming to my mind.  Then I felt like God showed me that I might unknowingly be the enemy.  What the what?!?!? 

Perhaps because of the strain in the relationship and a myriad of other circumstances, I feel like the enemy to this person?  Perhaps it's not about this person but other people that view me as the enemy right now?  Perhaps its some altogether different concept I just haven't been able to grasp yet? 

I have no idea but I do know that I have been studying about practicing the fruits of the spirit and the one God has given me to focus on is love.  Seriously.  Like I couldn't use a little break from that particular four-letter word.  But He's the boss and He keeps bringing me back to love.  Love strangers.  Love those who don't love me.  Love when it costs you something.  Love when it makes you look stupid.  Love when you don't have the time or energy.  And now, apparently, love your enemies even if they are completely unknown to you.

So I'm praying and practicing love to the best of my ability and letting go of trying to control how other people see me or my motives.  If you read this and I am your enemy, would you consider saying a little prayer for me?

***

P.S.  Despite my good intentions, it is so easy for me to fall back into trying to control how others perceive me.  I keep learning over and over that no matter how much I want someone to understand my heart or my love for them even if they don't love me back, I have no control over how someone interprets my words and actions.  I get no say in how people respond to me.  

In His infinite wisdom and mercy, God keeps reminding me I have to stop trying to please men and trust Him with those I feel misunderstood by, those I'm worried about, those I want to help but cannot.  It's a constant struggle to let go and acknowledge that sometimes I can do nothing to change someone else's mind/heart/circumstances.

Still, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration and He loves those I love perfectly.  He will make good out of everything I surrender to Him.  So I keep trying to lay it all down.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."  Romans 12:18

And one of my all-time favorites:

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."  Hebrews 10:23

Lord, I truly want your peace - for me and for those that I know are struggling.  I want to love others well - even those that would call me their enemy.  Help me stop trying to control perceptions and plead my case.  Help me remember that You are in control.  You are always working things out for good.  Only you, Lord, can change the hearts of men.  Only you can heal and restore.  Only you are able to make all things work for good and for your glory.  I ask for your supernatural peace to be poured out.  Help me fix my eyes on you, Lord, and refuse to defend myself or seek to influence or control.  I surrender, Lord.  I trust you know best.

on ending up in Nineveh

The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”  Jonah 1:1-2

Sometimes God gives us clear instructions.  Maybe you feel prompted to speak to the lonely looking person across the waiting room.  Perhaps you get the sense you need to apologize to someone you really feel owes you the apology.  Or perhaps God simply tells you to trust and rest - stop talking, stop pushing, stop trying to figure it out, just be still and know that He is God.

The last instruction is one God has been giving me for nearly three years.  It may have been longer and I just didn't realize it, but it has been unmistakable since sometime in the fall of 2013.  At times, I've really tried.  I've started.  But life goes on, I get busy, new blessings or challenges come along and something happens and I get distracted and go right back into my habits.  I stop listening, resting trusting and go right back to my way of doing things - striving, worrying, trying to plan and plot and predict.

But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord. Jonah 1:3

I'm starting to realize you don't have to run in the opposite direction to disobey God - you just have to stop moving in step with Him.  You just fix your eyes on your deal instead of His.  You might just get distracted or lax in your prayer life.  But inevitably, God will have his way.  He will get your attention. 

Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Jonah 1:17

In my case, there is always some circumstance (stress, fear, heartache) that comes along and drives me back to my knees.  I end up crying out to God for direction, wisdom, help.    

From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. Jonah 2:1

And when I finally get quiet and seek Him, the message is still the same: Trust.  Rest.  Wait.  Believe I'm good and I have good plans for you.  God hasn't changed His mind and He hasn't decided to give me a watered down instruction.  He simply restates the original instruction and waits to see if I want to pick a different response this time.

Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.”  Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh.  Jonah 3:1-3

As I reflect on the last few years, I wonder where I would be or what my life would look like if I had just obeyed the first time God asked me instead of taking all the detours and pit stops I've taken.  Because the reality is if God wants to send you to Nineveh, you WILL end up in Nineveh.  You can take the direct route or the "scenic route" through the belly of the fish and it will likely be more painful, more costly, more time-consuming and more challenging.

Thankfully, God is bigger than our disobedience and His grace and kindness are mind-boggling.  He promises to use everything - even the detours - for good if we let Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I know God is working all things out for good and I'm excited to see what He will do with everything I have to surrender - the good, the bad, the ugly.  And I hope that next time He gives me instructions, I will just go straight to Nineveh.