on the battle between present and future self

So many times, when confronted with a temptation or a chore, you pause and listen to input from two very opinionated contributors: Present self and Future self.

Future self is usually more reserved, almost quiet, but speaks with reason and wisdom.  Future self has your best interest in mind. 

Present self, on the other hand, is loud, argumentative and extremely persuasive.  Present self is completely focused on what feels good right this second with little thought of the long-term consequences.

Future self offers insights and logic but leaves the choice with you.  Future self is a good friend. 

Present self is all about getting you to focus on your feelings.  Present self is basically a big bully.

So, when the alarm goes off, future self quietly reminds you that your whole day goes better if you get up on time.  Present self wails and screams and whines, "But I'm tired!!!  I didn't get enough sleep!  I don't want to be tired all day! You always set the alarm too early and you can get ready way faster than you allow for, just wear your hair in a messy bun...puh-leeeeeezeee just five more minutes!!!"

So when you listen to present self, you hit snooze about 20 times, get up 2 hours late, feel rushed and frustrated and crabby and flustered the rest of the day.  Oh, and your hair looks ridiculous.

Perhaps you get home from work and sit down on the couch and turn on the tv.  Future self politely mentions that you should put on your workout clothes and go run before you get caught up in other things or too tired or it gets too dark outside.  But Present self immediately starts rushing to distract you.  Check the fridge, read your mail, look at Facebook.  Present self is full of discouragement: it is too hot or cold outside, you had such a hard day, this is such a good episode of 30 Rock, you're awfully tired.  "Besides," whispers present self, "you can get up early tomorrow and work out!"  (Never mind that Present self is the one that kept you from getting up and doing your workout every single morning this week.)

If you listen to Present self, you grab a snack, sit in front of the tv the rest of the night and go to bed late feeling the same frustration and irritation you've felt with yourself all day because you've wasted hours and have nothing to show for it - except all the stuff you've added to the to do list for tomorrow!

Present self picks junk food and Future self is stuck with the extra weight.  Present self buys whatever it wants then Future self gets left with the bill.  Present self wastes the time and Future self is the one left scrambling and stressed at the last minute.  Its not fair!

On those rare occasions when Future self does win out, don't you feel better?  Don't you always think, "I should listen to you more often - you're so wise!"  Afterwards it is always easier to see why Future self is a better advisor.  But in the moment, Present self always makes the better argument.

I guess what I'm trying to say is not all of your advisors are created equal and they shouldn't all get the same vote or the same authority.  Present self is selfish and only lives in the moment because all the consequences fall on Future self.  Future self is going to live with the repercussions of the choices Present self made, so Future self has a stake in your long-term wellbeing.  Present self is short-sighted and can't be trusted.  Future self has your best interest at heart and wants the same things you really want, deep down.

So maybe it's time to stop letting Present self ruin things for you!  Decide to give Future self the authority to make the majority of your choices going forward.  Present self can still choose every now and then - like when we're deciding what to do on the weekends with free time or choosing what movie to see.  Otherwise, let's put Future self in charge.

Now that its settled, Future self thinks you should get off the computer and go be productive out in the world...

on feeling worn

I'm worn.  I could say tired or discouraged or afraid...but the truth is, I'm all of those things mixed together.  More than just crabby or frustrated.  More that just in a mood.

I know I'm blessed, I know God is faithful, I know that my feelings are fickle and I know that a lot of factors are contributing to my angst...stress at work and the gray skies outside and a general discomfort with my place in this world...

I have Pandora on in the background and a song just came on that brings me to tears every single time I hear it.  It puts words to all the feelings I've been having and have tried to articulate in many of my posts and so, today, instead of trying to explain myself, I just wanted to share the lyrics.  There is a link at the bottom to the youtube video.  You should take 4 minutes and 8 seconds and watch/listen.

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn

Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
I'm worn
Songwriter(s): Jason Ingram, Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen
Copyright: Sony/Atv Timber Publishing, Open Hands Music, Formerly Music, West Main Music, Prepare For The Zombie Apocalypse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

Matthew 11:28-29“…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Thank you, Lord.  For loving me, for music and rest and new mercies every morning.  For being bigger than my feelings and failings and this world.  For reminders that I matter because you love me.  For that being enough.  Thank you for you.  Everything else pales in comparison.