Some days are just too much.
There are moments when this world just feels unbearable. I wonder why God tolerates us sometimes.
A little girl was murdered in my state. The details are too horrific to recount but her last moments on this earth must have been...I can't even think of a word. There's no label bad enough. The worst part is that her mother was involved. I don't know all the details but the woman who gave her life and who was given the unique and miraculous privilege of protecting her, nurturing her, guiding her lovingly into adulthood instead invited in monsters. Offered up her beautiful baby girl to evil beyond all imagination. I don't care if she was a participant or simply stood idly by - she failed to guard the life entrusted to her. The reports say she shows no remorse.
I know the excuses will be made. Drugs. Poverty. Manipulation. Abuse. Nothing will change the fact that a precious child's last hours on this earth were spent in pain and fear - and her mother was right. there. And she did nothing to stop it. Worse still, she set the whole thing in motion.
I. just. cannot.
Thousands upon thousands in Louisiana have lost every single thing they own. Hundreds are dead in Italy after an earthquake. Two nuns were murdered. NUNS! Some guys blew up a turtle with fireworks. A FREAKING TURTLE!!! Cops pulled over a drunk driver and there was a baby in the backseat covered in vomit. Seriously???
I. don't. understand.
***
I gave up tv in July 2013. I don't watch the news anymore, I just get headlines online and occasionally google things. There were lots of reasons I made the choice but one of the big ones was I just couldn't carry the weight of it anymore. Sometimes when I look around the world, the view is so unbearably ugly I feel like I might get swallowed up by the darkness.
***
I can't tie this into a happy ending yet. I don't get it and I don't understand why God tolerates it. But I don't get a lot of things. Gravity. The internet. How a criminal is running for president. Why anyone pays attention to Kimye. Pokemon. Vegans.
So tonight I will try and stick to what I know. God is good. Without exception. God is sovereign. Without flaw. God is love. Without ending.
And when I really stop and think about it, for every single act of evil I've ever seen or heard about, I've seen or heard about 10,000 acts of good. So tonight, when I don't have words or scriptures and I don't understand, I will think about all I know and focus on all the good I've seen. I will trust that the hands that formed the world are holding each and every hurting heart tonight.
***
From the end of the Mockingjay...
Katniss: "Did you have a nightmare? I have nightmares too. Someday I'll explain it to you. Why they came, why they won't ever go away. But I'll tell you how I survive it. I make a list in my head... of all the good things I've seen someone do. Every little thing I can remember. It's like a game. I do it over and over. Gets a little tedious after all these years, but... there are much worse games to play."
***
UPDATE: If you read this, please take a moment to pray for the officers and first responders that found Victoria and for all her friends and family. Thank you.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
on people over politics
It might be hard to imagine, but I really have come a long way. I used to get sucked into political arguments like matter gets sucked into black holes. During the 2012 election, I couldn't scroll 3 inches without offering my opinion, correcting someone's misinformation, or starting a fight. I wasn't necessarily trying to be argumentative (I told myself), I was just passionate about this country, ideals, the role of politics in our lives. Unfortunately, I was also prideful, overly invested in my position and genuinely offended by people that didn't see things correctly (i.e. like I did).
I can't pinpoint when I started tearing down the idol of politics in my life - and there is still a lot of work to be done - but a few things come to mind as markers in the journey.
At some point it struck me that if I'm a believer, no matter how much I love America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment, all of those things are all secondary to Christ. His glory, His kingdom, His people always come first. ALWAYS. That isn't to say that I don't think America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment are important - I do! They are vitally important. People need to be aware and educated. What happens in politics matters. But not compared to Christ. Only He is sovereign. Only He is eternal. Only He is above all else.
"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." Ephesians 1:18-23
Recently, it hit me again that I was putting the idol of politics (or perhaps the idol of my opinion) before people. I was crafting a particularly snarky comment about a politician who doesn't need to be named (but if he was named, his name would rhyme with Ernie Flanders). About the time I finished my scathing critique of anyone who could possibly be considering voting for him, I noticed a dear and lovely person whom I adore had just posted something showing support for said politician...and instantly, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Because if I had posted my comment moments before, I would have inadvertently been directing my hateful comment right. at. her. I would never in a million years want to say or do anything that would hurt this person - no matter how much I disagreed with her politics. I immediately deleted the post and I have tried really hard to refrain from any condescending rants since which, let's face it, is particularly hard in this insane political season we find ourselves in.
[Disclaimer - I still sometimes post political comments but I truly try to keep it to a minimum and I really do attempt to refrain from snark as much as possible. I'm trying to stop altogether but I'm a work in progress. Plus, in the cesspool that is politics, I still think there are still lesser evils that need to be pointed out to people that don't seem to see it. Just keep praying for me.]
***
Still the point is this: my voice doesn't really impact the current political climate and is unlikely to sway the minds of voters. It is highly unlikely that anything I say or think or post is going to change the world or the issues.
BUT...my voice may impact the heart of someone I care about. It could sway someone's mind about me...and if I'm sharing my faith (and I try to) then it might also impact someone's opinion about God. And if there is even the smallest chance of that, I don't want the impact to be negative. I would rather someone vote for Ernie Flanders or keep the current guy a third term than get a bad picture of God because of me.
Because I don't know what would solve all the world's problems politically, but I definitely know the only one who CAN save this world and He isn't running for president. But He IS sovereign. And eternal. And He adores each and every someone I risk impacting negatively. I don't ever want to be a stumbling block for someone knowing Him or receiving His love.
I will still vote and learn about the issues and have strong opinions and probably be overly passionate from time to time. But with all my heart, I truly want to put God and the people He so dearly loves first. ALWAYS. Without exception. Even those of you on the other side of the aisle. ;)
"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17
I can't pinpoint when I started tearing down the idol of politics in my life - and there is still a lot of work to be done - but a few things come to mind as markers in the journey.
- I dated an amazing guy who was politically on the other end of the spectrum.
- I went to law school and met people, good and smart and godly people, that didn't agree with me on politics. (I know it sounds condescending, but this was truly shocking for me.)
- I moved in to a missional living community and realized these people had radically different priorities than I did and their personal values trumped concepts like politics or democracy or capitalism...and their ideals seemed to line up way better with scripture than mine.
- I began learning more and more about the power of the spoken word and that by speaking out fear and negativity about the state of politics, I was only feeding other people's fear and negativity...I wasn't educating people or actually changing anything, I was just adding fuel to the fire more often than not.
- I heard Andy Stanley preach a series called "Tough as Nails" and he talked about how Christians should be the least afraid people in the world - particularly in the area of politics - because we know God is sovereign.
- I studied teaching after teaching about the greatest command (see Matthew 22:36-40 below about loving God and loving others) and realized you can't truly love someone you look down on.
At some point it struck me that if I'm a believer, no matter how much I love America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment, all of those things are all secondary to Christ. His glory, His kingdom, His people always come first. ALWAYS. That isn't to say that I don't think America or democracy or freedom or small government or the second amendment are important - I do! They are vitally important. People need to be aware and educated. What happens in politics matters. But not compared to Christ. Only He is sovereign. Only He is eternal. Only He is above all else.
"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." Ephesians 1:18-23
Recently, it hit me again that I was putting the idol of politics (or perhaps the idol of my opinion) before people. I was crafting a particularly snarky comment about a politician who doesn't need to be named (but if he was named, his name would rhyme with Ernie Flanders). About the time I finished my scathing critique of anyone who could possibly be considering voting for him, I noticed a dear and lovely person whom I adore had just posted something showing support for said politician...and instantly, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Because if I had posted my comment moments before, I would have inadvertently been directing my hateful comment right. at. her. I would never in a million years want to say or do anything that would hurt this person - no matter how much I disagreed with her politics. I immediately deleted the post and I have tried really hard to refrain from any condescending rants since which, let's face it, is particularly hard in this insane political season we find ourselves in.
[Disclaimer - I still sometimes post political comments but I truly try to keep it to a minimum and I really do attempt to refrain from snark as much as possible. I'm trying to stop altogether but I'm a work in progress. Plus, in the cesspool that is politics, I still think there are still lesser evils that need to be pointed out to people that don't seem to see it. Just keep praying for me.]
***
Still the point is this: my voice doesn't really impact the current political climate and is unlikely to sway the minds of voters. It is highly unlikely that anything I say or think or post is going to change the world or the issues.
BUT...my voice may impact the heart of someone I care about. It could sway someone's mind about me...and if I'm sharing my faith (and I try to) then it might also impact someone's opinion about God. And if there is even the smallest chance of that, I don't want the impact to be negative. I would rather someone vote for Ernie Flanders or keep the current guy a third term than get a bad picture of God because of me.
Because I don't know what would solve all the world's problems politically, but I definitely know the only one who CAN save this world and He isn't running for president. But He IS sovereign. And eternal. And He adores each and every someone I risk impacting negatively. I don't ever want to be a stumbling block for someone knowing Him or receiving His love.
I will still vote and learn about the issues and have strong opinions and probably be overly passionate from time to time. But with all my heart, I truly want to put God and the people He so dearly loves first. ALWAYS. Without exception. Even those of you on the other side of the aisle. ;)
"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17
Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:34-40
Monday, August 15, 2016
on sticking it to satan
I have an obsessive mind. I don't let things go. I dwell. I ruminate. I weigh pros and cons and imagine all possible scenarios. I have pretend conversations in my head. Sometimes I draw friends and family in to my crazy and invite them to obsess and dwell and imagine with me.
Having a recurring thought loop usually wears me down and stresses me out and generally steals my attention and my joy. I get distracted at work. I get depressed when I'm alone with my thoughts. It rarely helps me solve anything, instead it just makes the situation seem bigger and worse the more I obsess.
Lately I have been practicing taking my thoughts captive and trying to make them obedient to Christ. The problem is, because I have an obsessive mind, I have to do it over and over and over. It's exhausting. To be totally honest, lots of days I don't really have much success.
Lately I have been practicing taking my thoughts captive and trying to make them obedient to Christ. The problem is, because I have an obsessive mind, I have to do it over and over and over. It's exhausting. To be totally honest, lots of days I don't really have much success.
Then a new alternative came to mind.
What if every single time one of these thoughts came to mind, instead of trying to solve it, I just started praying about it? What if I turned my obsessive thinking into obsessive praying? What if every trigger that starts me down the road of worry instead drove me to my knees? I still need to make my thoughts line up with God's Word but for some of the harder, more repetitious worries/fears/obsessions, what if instead of having a battle of wills again and again, I just surrender and say to my brain, "You win - I have no idea about that but my God can figure it out...Lord, will you take this and make something good of it? Will you heal him? Will you restore her? Will you do a miracle beyond anything I can even imagine right now?"
I can't imagine that anything but good could come of this new habit and I certainly have nothing to lose...but then I got to thinking about another totally added bonus...
If I really could start taking these thoughts/worries/fears/obsessions that have plagued me for so long and turning them into prayers and communications with God, that would mean taking something the enemy has used to torment me and distract me from God's goodness and using it to draw closer to God and build up my faith...
and that would really stick it to satan, wouldn't it?
That's reason enough for me to give it a try.
What if every single time one of these thoughts came to mind, instead of trying to solve it, I just started praying about it? What if I turned my obsessive thinking into obsessive praying? What if every trigger that starts me down the road of worry instead drove me to my knees? I still need to make my thoughts line up with God's Word but for some of the harder, more repetitious worries/fears/obsessions, what if instead of having a battle of wills again and again, I just surrender and say to my brain, "You win - I have no idea about that but my God can figure it out...Lord, will you take this and make something good of it? Will you heal him? Will you restore her? Will you do a miracle beyond anything I can even imagine right now?"
I can't imagine that anything but good could come of this new habit and I certainly have nothing to lose...but then I got to thinking about another totally added bonus...
If I really could start taking these thoughts/worries/fears/obsessions that have plagued me for so long and turning them into prayers and communications with God, that would mean taking something the enemy has used to torment me and distract me from God's goodness and using it to draw closer to God and build up my faith...
and that would really stick it to satan, wouldn't it?
That's reason enough for me to give it a try.
Friday, August 12, 2016
you can't stop me
I just had the most rebellious thought. And then it snowballed into dozens of others. Total anarchy in my mind. I feel so wild and crazy.
I can love someone who doesn't love me. Even if she hates me, I can love her. I can pray for her every single day and wish good for her and want God's best for her. She doesn't believe in God? That's ok. I do. I can pray that the God she doesn't believe in just dumps blessing after blessing on her and chases her down with His kindness and love.
And she can't stop me.
I can be kind to someone who is not kind to me. Has never been kind to me and will never be kind to me. Someone who will likely mock me for any kindness I show. I can show kindness over and over and laugh to myself as I walk away, thinking...
"You can't stop me."
I can refuse to let any bad rumor I hear change my opinion of someone I care about. I can decide that no matter how many bad choices he makes, no matter how messy he makes his life, I will not judge him. I will be his friend if he ever needs me. I will always believe the best about him.
No one can stop me.
I could work hard and do a really great job for an employer that has not treated me well or fairly. I don't want to...I haven't been...and I'm not entirely sure yet if I actually will...but I could...
They couldn't stop me.
***
All that gets me to thinking how this kind of behavior could get right out of control...
I could over tip for bad service just to try and bless the servers that clearly despise their jobs.
I could let someone share his or her totally illogical and insane political argument that has no basis in fact or reality and just nod politely or say, "Hmm...I hadn't really thought of that" without any rebuttal whatsoever.
I could "like" a picture of the umpteenth "I love my spouse" challenge post and not roll my eyes or be jealous or resentful because even thought it's not my turn today someday it will be and I might want to post a lovey-dovey picture every single day. Let's face it, I'm totally going to want to do that.
I could forego the "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" yell and matching hand signals when someone is driving five under the speed limit in the passing lane, back up off his bumper and just smile sweetly when I finally get a chance to blow his doors off.
***
Yes, this might all lead to me getting taken advantage of or hurt or labeled a doormat or mocked and ridiculed. I will probably look stupid...a lot. It might be painful and expensive and exhausting and discouraging. I might not make good time on the interstate. It would certainly require me to die to myself repeatedly...but maybe that would be good practice.
And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
***
It's just a thought.
I'm not saying I will do any of these things (I certainly don't want to right this minute) but perhaps I should at least consider it...because I could...
No one could stop me.
I can love someone who doesn't love me. Even if she hates me, I can love her. I can pray for her every single day and wish good for her and want God's best for her. She doesn't believe in God? That's ok. I do. I can pray that the God she doesn't believe in just dumps blessing after blessing on her and chases her down with His kindness and love.
And she can't stop me.
I can be kind to someone who is not kind to me. Has never been kind to me and will never be kind to me. Someone who will likely mock me for any kindness I show. I can show kindness over and over and laugh to myself as I walk away, thinking...
"You can't stop me."
I can refuse to let any bad rumor I hear change my opinion of someone I care about. I can decide that no matter how many bad choices he makes, no matter how messy he makes his life, I will not judge him. I will be his friend if he ever needs me. I will always believe the best about him.
No one can stop me.
I could work hard and do a really great job for an employer that has not treated me well or fairly. I don't want to...I haven't been...and I'm not entirely sure yet if I actually will...but I could...
They couldn't stop me.
***
All that gets me to thinking how this kind of behavior could get right out of control...
I could over tip for bad service just to try and bless the servers that clearly despise their jobs.
I could let someone share his or her totally illogical and insane political argument that has no basis in fact or reality and just nod politely or say, "Hmm...I hadn't really thought of that" without any rebuttal whatsoever.
I could "like" a picture of the umpteenth "I love my spouse" challenge post and not roll my eyes or be jealous or resentful because even thought it's not my turn today someday it will be and I might want to post a lovey-dovey picture every single day. Let's face it, I'm totally going to want to do that.
I could forego the "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" yell and matching hand signals when someone is driving five under the speed limit in the passing lane, back up off his bumper and just smile sweetly when I finally get a chance to blow his doors off.
***
Yes, this might all lead to me getting taken advantage of or hurt or labeled a doormat or mocked and ridiculed. I will probably look stupid...a lot. It might be painful and expensive and exhausting and discouraging. I might not make good time on the interstate. It would certainly require me to die to myself repeatedly...but maybe that would be good practice.
And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23
***
It's just a thought.
I'm not saying I will do any of these things (I certainly don't want to right this minute) but perhaps I should at least consider it...because I could...
No one could stop me.
on peace
All my life, I've prayed for peace. It's pretty standard boilerplate in my prayers for myself and others. God, give me your peace that passes understanding. Pour out your peace over him. Fill them with your supernatural peace, Lord. Give us peace like a river in this situation.
But recently God showed me something that totally ASTOUNDED me. An epiphany. Seriously. It blew my mind. (I realize others may have already figured this out but sometimes I struggle with even the basic concepts. It's ok. God is patient with me.)
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
He left peace for me. With me. HIS PEACE. As a gift. He expects that peace to keep my heart from being troubled. He thinks that peace should prevent me from fearing anything.
As in, peace is just here all around me, freely available for the taking. And if I don't have it, it's because I'm choosing not to. Peace isn't something I have to beg Him for, its something I already have access to - I simply have to choose to experience it. To take hold of it. Pick it up. Live in it.
Peace is my inheritance. It cannot be taken away by my circumstances. It isn't weakened by my trials or strengthened by my blessings. In fact, I've found recently that the more painful my external situation, the deeper and more powerful that peace feels. Because its HIS peace. And He is all-powerful and perfect and unchanging. Of course His peace is also powerful and perfect and unchanging.
So why don't I always have it? I'm not entirely sure, but I have a few ideas:
I'm thinking about the wrong things.
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15
I've heard it said a number of different ways but the bottom lines is what you focus on, you magnify. Whatever rules your mind will eventually rule your heart and then your actions and ultimately your life. I have the choice to make peace a priority...but if instead I choose to fixate on my lack or my trial or my stress or even my lousy mood, I probably will sacrifice the peace that's available to me. Thankfulness is always a good place to park my mind if I'm trying to get it off the wrong things and it almost always opens my eyes to the peace that's available to me.
I'm doing or pursuing the wrong things.
"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11
Some days, I just want to pout. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to whine and moan and grumble and complain. I know that's really stupid but I'm being honest. Sometimes there is something about a pity party that just feels good.
Other days, I just want to be lazy. I don't feel like taking my thoughts captive or praying or meditating on truth. I'd rather watch trash tv and surf the internet and Facebook stalk people and maybe do a little judging and comparing and mocking. I know that's really awful but I'm being honest.
There are a million big and small ways I pursue anything and everything but peace - and I always suffer the consequences because where there is no peace, there is a vacuum for a lot of other miserable things like jealousy, hatred, bitterness, disdain...sin, sin, sin...the list goes on and on.
I'm trying to understand instead of trusting God.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
God's smarter than I am. Obviously. But even more than that, He has the whole picture - as in, from the beginning to the end of time. He knows the hearts of everyone involved. He knows not only the who and the what and the where, He knows the how and the why. And then there's the fact that He's sovereign. He's in control. He can actually work on the situation without making it worse like I so often do. If I will just accept all of this, pick up His peace and lay down trying to work it out - because let's face it, I can't even solve a Rubik's cube - then His peace can guard my heart and my mind from all those things that steal the peace in the first place.
Because I'm realizing that when I don't take hold of the peace He's offered me, I suffer more than just the lack of peace...I become weak and open to discouragement, fear, exhaustion, worry, self-pity, unbelief, even just a plain old bad attitude. It's one more way of basically shouting to the enemy, "Hey, look over here! I'm totally unprotected by His peace so you should come torment me awhile!" Dumb, dumb, dumb.
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3
"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10
Peace is a gift, a blessing. It is a protection for my mind and heart. It is freely given and cannot be shaken or removed. God gave it to me. I'd be crazy not to grab it and hold on to it with all my might.
But recently God showed me something that totally ASTOUNDED me. An epiphany. Seriously. It blew my mind. (I realize others may have already figured this out but sometimes I struggle with even the basic concepts. It's ok. God is patient with me.)
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
He left peace for me. With me. HIS PEACE. As a gift. He expects that peace to keep my heart from being troubled. He thinks that peace should prevent me from fearing anything.
As in, peace is just here all around me, freely available for the taking. And if I don't have it, it's because I'm choosing not to. Peace isn't something I have to beg Him for, its something I already have access to - I simply have to choose to experience it. To take hold of it. Pick it up. Live in it.
Peace is my inheritance. It cannot be taken away by my circumstances. It isn't weakened by my trials or strengthened by my blessings. In fact, I've found recently that the more painful my external situation, the deeper and more powerful that peace feels. Because its HIS peace. And He is all-powerful and perfect and unchanging. Of course His peace is also powerful and perfect and unchanging.
So why don't I always have it? I'm not entirely sure, but I have a few ideas:
I'm thinking about the wrong things.
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15
I've heard it said a number of different ways but the bottom lines is what you focus on, you magnify. Whatever rules your mind will eventually rule your heart and then your actions and ultimately your life. I have the choice to make peace a priority...but if instead I choose to fixate on my lack or my trial or my stress or even my lousy mood, I probably will sacrifice the peace that's available to me. Thankfulness is always a good place to park my mind if I'm trying to get it off the wrong things and it almost always opens my eyes to the peace that's available to me.
I'm doing or pursuing the wrong things.
"They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11
Some days, I just want to pout. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to whine and moan and grumble and complain. I know that's really stupid but I'm being honest. Sometimes there is something about a pity party that just feels good.
Other days, I just want to be lazy. I don't feel like taking my thoughts captive or praying or meditating on truth. I'd rather watch trash tv and surf the internet and Facebook stalk people and maybe do a little judging and comparing and mocking. I know that's really awful but I'm being honest.
There are a million big and small ways I pursue anything and everything but peace - and I always suffer the consequences because where there is no peace, there is a vacuum for a lot of other miserable things like jealousy, hatred, bitterness, disdain...sin, sin, sin...the list goes on and on.
I'm trying to understand instead of trusting God.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
God's smarter than I am. Obviously. But even more than that, He has the whole picture - as in, from the beginning to the end of time. He knows the hearts of everyone involved. He knows not only the who and the what and the where, He knows the how and the why. And then there's the fact that He's sovereign. He's in control. He can actually work on the situation without making it worse like I so often do. If I will just accept all of this, pick up His peace and lay down trying to work it out - because let's face it, I can't even solve a Rubik's cube - then His peace can guard my heart and my mind from all those things that steal the peace in the first place.
Because I'm realizing that when I don't take hold of the peace He's offered me, I suffer more than just the lack of peace...I become weak and open to discouragement, fear, exhaustion, worry, self-pity, unbelief, even just a plain old bad attitude. It's one more way of basically shouting to the enemy, "Hey, look over here! I'm totally unprotected by His peace so you should come torment me awhile!" Dumb, dumb, dumb.
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalm 29:11
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3
"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10
Peace is a gift, a blessing. It is a protection for my mind and heart. It is freely given and cannot be shaken or removed. God gave it to me. I'd be crazy not to grab it and hold on to it with all my might.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
all things
Let me be clear. This blog was never meant to be about love or relationships or my longing for a husband. Those things tend to come up now and then because of the season of life I'm in (and have been in for what feels like an eternity now...but that's neither here nor there...)
Regardless, the focus was never on my earthly circumstances whatsoever.
This has always been about seeking God...finding Him and missing Him...knowing Him and being known by Him...trying to understand His heart toward me...growing more like Him...faltering and allowing Him to pick me up...wrestling with Him...learning His will...loving Him and letting Him love me...serving Him...being fully satisfied in Him alone...
This blog simply catalogues the process of me sorting out what He's teaching me in hopes that I can really get it and maybe encourage someone else along the way.
***
A verse that has been swirling around in my life recently:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (emphasis added)
***
I've always loved this verse and mostly believed it. Obviously there are seasons when it feels harder to believe than others but ultimately, I know it has to be true because God included it in the Bible and God doesn't lie and because I've seen it play out in my life and the lives of those around me over and over and over again.
God using sickness to restore relationships...turning an unplanned baby into a miracle child that blesses a family...taking a childless couple and making them amazing parents to children that would have otherwise been dealt a terrible hand...healing and showing off His awesome power while knitting together an incredible gift in her mother's womb and then continuing to amaze and astound at every phase of growth...refusing to answer prayers that would have ultimately destroyed the person asking...opening and closing doors to get someone to the exact right place and time...
I really could go on and on. And yet, every time I'm in the experiencing "all things" phase, I tend to focus on my characterization of the thing - this is sad, unfair, impossible, devastating, hopeless. Even knowing the promise and the Promise-Keeper, it is so hard to take my eyes of the situation and put them on Him while waiting for Him to bless me with the "works for good" part.
Right now, I'm trusting (ok, trying really hard to trust) that God is going to use the most recent thing for good - not just for me but for every other person involved. Right now, I can't imagine how He could possibly do it.
What was lost seemed so amazing, how could He possibly improve upon that? The wounds seem too deep, how could He possibly bring anything good out of this mess? And yet, I know that He will work it for good because He always does. He promises He will and He always keeps His promise. He will work all things for good. Not some things, all things. Not for something tolerable, for something good. No exceptions.
So all my hopes and dreams that now seem impossible? He will work them for good.
My broken heart and disappointment? He will work them for good.
The confusion and stress and conflicts and loss swirling around those I love? He will work them for good.
The same is true of the many other much harder things that others find themselves up again in this moment. Cancer. Death. Divorce. Loss. Betrayal. Prison. Financial ruin. He will work them all for good.
ALL OF IT.
ALL THINGS.
FOR GOOD.
***
So right now I don't have to understand or imagine how He will manage it because His ways are beyond my comprehension.
I don't actually have to do anything.
He did it all when He called me according to His purpose...and when I loved Him because He first loved me.
After I wrestle my way through all the swirling thoughts, somehow it always circles back to the same instructions He has been lovingly whispering over me for years - simple words that are clear and straightforward and unmistakable but oh so hard for me to obey...
Trust Me. Rest in Me. Wait on Me. Believe I'm working on your behalf. All things. For good.
Regardless, the focus was never on my earthly circumstances whatsoever.
This has always been about seeking God...finding Him and missing Him...knowing Him and being known by Him...trying to understand His heart toward me...growing more like Him...faltering and allowing Him to pick me up...wrestling with Him...learning His will...loving Him and letting Him love me...serving Him...being fully satisfied in Him alone...
This blog simply catalogues the process of me sorting out what He's teaching me in hopes that I can really get it and maybe encourage someone else along the way.
***
A verse that has been swirling around in my life recently:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (emphasis added)
***
I've always loved this verse and mostly believed it. Obviously there are seasons when it feels harder to believe than others but ultimately, I know it has to be true because God included it in the Bible and God doesn't lie and because I've seen it play out in my life and the lives of those around me over and over and over again.
God using sickness to restore relationships...turning an unplanned baby into a miracle child that blesses a family...taking a childless couple and making them amazing parents to children that would have otherwise been dealt a terrible hand...healing and showing off His awesome power while knitting together an incredible gift in her mother's womb and then continuing to amaze and astound at every phase of growth...refusing to answer prayers that would have ultimately destroyed the person asking...opening and closing doors to get someone to the exact right place and time...
I really could go on and on. And yet, every time I'm in the experiencing "all things" phase, I tend to focus on my characterization of the thing - this is sad, unfair, impossible, devastating, hopeless. Even knowing the promise and the Promise-Keeper, it is so hard to take my eyes of the situation and put them on Him while waiting for Him to bless me with the "works for good" part.
Right now, I'm trusting (ok, trying really hard to trust) that God is going to use the most recent thing for good - not just for me but for every other person involved. Right now, I can't imagine how He could possibly do it.
What was lost seemed so amazing, how could He possibly improve upon that? The wounds seem too deep, how could He possibly bring anything good out of this mess? And yet, I know that He will work it for good because He always does. He promises He will and He always keeps His promise. He will work all things for good. Not some things, all things. Not for something tolerable, for something good. No exceptions.
So all my hopes and dreams that now seem impossible? He will work them for good.
My broken heart and disappointment? He will work them for good.
The confusion and stress and conflicts and loss swirling around those I love? He will work them for good.
The same is true of the many other much harder things that others find themselves up again in this moment. Cancer. Death. Divorce. Loss. Betrayal. Prison. Financial ruin. He will work them all for good.
ALL OF IT.
ALL THINGS.
FOR GOOD.
***
So right now I don't have to understand or imagine how He will manage it because His ways are beyond my comprehension.
I don't actually have to do anything.
He did it all when He called me according to His purpose...and when I loved Him because He first loved me.
After I wrestle my way through all the swirling thoughts, somehow it always circles back to the same instructions He has been lovingly whispering over me for years - simple words that are clear and straightforward and unmistakable but oh so hard for me to obey...
Trust Me. Rest in Me. Wait on Me. Believe I'm working on your behalf. All things. For good.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
on going to war (choosing)
Sometimes when God is really trying to get my attention, it seems like I hear the same thing over and over from a dozen different sources. My most recent example is this statement:
YOU MUST DECLARE WAR ON NEGATIVITY
The idea keeps coming up in almost everything I read, every podcast I listen to, random conversations I overhear...its like a broken record. Now, God has been dealing with me about being negative for months but lately He's gotten really specific...and very emphatic. No more "focus on the good" or "practice gratitude" or even "feed the right wolf" - no, playtime is over.
We're going to war.
***
I've been working on this post for awhile but I'm still struggling with how to put into words an idea that feels so big and profound and important, especially because God seems to be beating me over the head with it. It just keeps coming up.
Recently I've been having some really, really, amazingly good days. I've been full of peace and joy and hope. It's important to note that NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES. The only shift has been my perspective. Instead of focusing on how sad I am over what was lost, I've been trying to focus on all that the good that God promises to bring out of any situation I surrender to Him. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I've been trying to thank God for rescuing me quickly. Instead of giving in to anger and bitterness, I've truly tried to pray for blessings for those who have hurt me. Instead of questioning why God allowed this, I've been trusting that He knows best and all His plans are good. I can't deny the results - I've truly felt like a new person.
But the past couple of days I've been distracted. I've been wishing for some kind of peace or closure. I've been wondering how people that I care about are doing but I'm unable to reach out because of everything that's happened. I've been thinking about how different things were two months ago and trying to predict what will be different two months from now. Instead of trusting God with the situation I find myself in, I've been wishing somehow the situation could be different. I've slacked off with my praying and thanking God. And I can feel the shift in my attitude.
***
Over the last month or so, I've been learning about the atmosphere we create with our thoughts, words and actions. All day every day we are creating an atmosphere around us and it is either an atmosphere of hope, peace, joy, and trust or one of doubt, fear, worry and negativity. A positive atmosphere invites the Holy Spirit but a negative atmosphere invites the enemy.
In addition to the atmosphere we're creating around us, we are also traveling in and out of other atmospheres. There is an atmosphere where you work, where you go to school, where you live...and each person you interact with brings his or her atmosphere. [I know it sounds a little kooky but bear with me...]
So, when I dwell on God's goodness and the great things I trust He is working out in my life (even if I don't currently see any changes), I'm creating a hopeful, joyful atmosphere. That kind of atmosphere welcomes the Holy Spirit to speak more goodness over me, to give me greater vision and revelation for a positive future...it allows me to experience more of God's nature: peace, patience, joy, etc. But if I drift into wistfulness or discouragement or fear or worry, then I create an atmosphere of negativity that actually attracts affliction from the enemy.
When I get into negative thoughts, words or actions, I'm basically sending a formal invitation to the one who came to kill, steal and destroy to come hang out and torment me. It's like painting a giant bullseye on myself for the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Why would I ever do that?
***
I don't know if any of this makes sense but here are a few thoughts God keeps bringing to my mind:
You have to declare war on hopelessness/depression/despair/worry/fear - they are all from the enemy.
Get in agreement with God - He is good, His plans are good, His timing is good.
You don't need to understand why - you just need to trust Him.
Your feelings lie. Focus on truth. Stop focusing on your feelings. Focus on God's nature.
You overcome negativity by rejoicing and being thankful.
It is better to be presumptuous about God's goodness than to hang back in unbelief.
Negative feelings and thoughts make you vulnerable to the enemy.
You get to choose what to think - replace lies with truth. Always listen to God instead of the enemy.
The enemy hates joy because he knows it is your strength but you can always be joyful because of who God is and how He loves you.
Any circumstance God allows He will use for good.
Joy, peace and rest are always an available option.
Your confession should always be about God's nature instead of your circumstances.
Believe the best in every situation. Be filled with hope. Trust God. Decide in advance that nothing can steal your joy.
***
The thing I'm realizing is that taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) is hard work. Its constant...continual...and it never stops. I can't do it once or twice or even for one whole day and then expect my mind to be healed and ready to think only positive thoughts. I've got an enemy working against me, I live in a broken world and I've developed the habitual mindset I have now over decades.
I am going to have to choose over and over and over and over.
Eventually, it might get easier. There is plenty of research that focusing on the positive and practicing gratitude and choosing your thoughts actually changes your brain. But until then, I'm in a battle. And odds are, even if I experience tremendous growth and change and victory, this battle will come up again in my life. Likely, I will have to fight for control of my mind and my words and my actions for the rest of my life - certainly in the valleys and we all know the valleys are inevitable. But I don't have to be caught off guard by the battle...after all, God has already told me: this is war.
And the good news is that its a war that's already been won.
PS I have a lot of recommendations of good resources if you're interested in learning more about this topic - just message me.
YOU MUST DECLARE WAR ON NEGATIVITY
The idea keeps coming up in almost everything I read, every podcast I listen to, random conversations I overhear...its like a broken record. Now, God has been dealing with me about being negative for months but lately He's gotten really specific...and very emphatic. No more "focus on the good" or "practice gratitude" or even "feed the right wolf" - no, playtime is over.
We're going to war.
***
I've been working on this post for awhile but I'm still struggling with how to put into words an idea that feels so big and profound and important, especially because God seems to be beating me over the head with it. It just keeps coming up.
Recently I've been having some really, really, amazingly good days. I've been full of peace and joy and hope. It's important to note that NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES. The only shift has been my perspective. Instead of focusing on how sad I am over what was lost, I've been trying to focus on all that the good that God promises to bring out of any situation I surrender to Him. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I've been trying to thank God for rescuing me quickly. Instead of giving in to anger and bitterness, I've truly tried to pray for blessings for those who have hurt me. Instead of questioning why God allowed this, I've been trusting that He knows best and all His plans are good. I can't deny the results - I've truly felt like a new person.
But the past couple of days I've been distracted. I've been wishing for some kind of peace or closure. I've been wondering how people that I care about are doing but I'm unable to reach out because of everything that's happened. I've been thinking about how different things were two months ago and trying to predict what will be different two months from now. Instead of trusting God with the situation I find myself in, I've been wishing somehow the situation could be different. I've slacked off with my praying and thanking God. And I can feel the shift in my attitude.
***
Over the last month or so, I've been learning about the atmosphere we create with our thoughts, words and actions. All day every day we are creating an atmosphere around us and it is either an atmosphere of hope, peace, joy, and trust or one of doubt, fear, worry and negativity. A positive atmosphere invites the Holy Spirit but a negative atmosphere invites the enemy.
In addition to the atmosphere we're creating around us, we are also traveling in and out of other atmospheres. There is an atmosphere where you work, where you go to school, where you live...and each person you interact with brings his or her atmosphere. [I know it sounds a little kooky but bear with me...]
So, when I dwell on God's goodness and the great things I trust He is working out in my life (even if I don't currently see any changes), I'm creating a hopeful, joyful atmosphere. That kind of atmosphere welcomes the Holy Spirit to speak more goodness over me, to give me greater vision and revelation for a positive future...it allows me to experience more of God's nature: peace, patience, joy, etc. But if I drift into wistfulness or discouragement or fear or worry, then I create an atmosphere of negativity that actually attracts affliction from the enemy.
When I get into negative thoughts, words or actions, I'm basically sending a formal invitation to the one who came to kill, steal and destroy to come hang out and torment me. It's like painting a giant bullseye on myself for the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Why would I ever do that?
***
I don't know if any of this makes sense but here are a few thoughts God keeps bringing to my mind:
You have to declare war on hopelessness/depression/despair/worry/fear - they are all from the enemy.
Get in agreement with God - He is good, His plans are good, His timing is good.
You don't need to understand why - you just need to trust Him.
Your feelings lie. Focus on truth. Stop focusing on your feelings. Focus on God's nature.
You overcome negativity by rejoicing and being thankful.
It is better to be presumptuous about God's goodness than to hang back in unbelief.
Negative feelings and thoughts make you vulnerable to the enemy.
You get to choose what to think - replace lies with truth. Always listen to God instead of the enemy.
The enemy hates joy because he knows it is your strength but you can always be joyful because of who God is and how He loves you.
Any circumstance God allows He will use for good.
Joy, peace and rest are always an available option.
Your confession should always be about God's nature instead of your circumstances.
Believe the best in every situation. Be filled with hope. Trust God. Decide in advance that nothing can steal your joy.
***
The thing I'm realizing is that taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) is hard work. Its constant...continual...and it never stops. I can't do it once or twice or even for one whole day and then expect my mind to be healed and ready to think only positive thoughts. I've got an enemy working against me, I live in a broken world and I've developed the habitual mindset I have now over decades.
I am going to have to choose over and over and over and over.
Eventually, it might get easier. There is plenty of research that focusing on the positive and practicing gratitude and choosing your thoughts actually changes your brain. But until then, I'm in a battle. And odds are, even if I experience tremendous growth and change and victory, this battle will come up again in my life. Likely, I will have to fight for control of my mind and my words and my actions for the rest of my life - certainly in the valleys and we all know the valleys are inevitable. But I don't have to be caught off guard by the battle...after all, God has already told me: this is war.
And the good news is that its a war that's already been won.
PS I have a lot of recommendations of good resources if you're interested in learning more about this topic - just message me.
when you don't understand and there is no closure
For a week or so I was feeling much better - hopeful, joyful, expectant. But over the weekend, the clouds of self-pity rolled back in, the tears came down and I found myself back in a flood of negativity, bitterness and pain. I'm not sure where it came from. I really thought I had come to peace with everything. I accept that its over. I know God has already used it for more good than I thought possible and I know He isn't finished. I wouldn't go back to the way things were now even if that was an option and I know its not. I'm excited and hopeful about the future. I know God will take care of those I love that are no longer a part of my life. He has good plans for all of us. I trust Him to bring them to pass. I have joy and peace and expectation for this new season of growth and change.
And yet...I've been sad the last few days and I don't know why. I suppose there are just so many things I still don't understand. How do you go from planning a life together to never speaking again? Why bring me into the family and make me feel a part of something and then suddenly take it all back? How can someone love you one day and feel nothing at all for you days later? Why make promises like forever and "I'll never hurt you" only to turn around and break them all without any explanation? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Didn't I deserve a face-to-face conversation? How could I be so easily and so quickly replaced and rejected by everyone I thought cared about me? How could I have been so mistaken to think this was my fairytale?
I know the questions aren't really fair. There are three sides to every story - his, mine and the truth. I know that I will never get answers, even if there were answers to be had. A part of me just wants an explanation or a simple, but genuine "I'm sorry." I guess I'd like an acknowledgment that promises were made and broken and I didn't just make the whole thing up...that I didn't start this or accelerate it, that I wasn't plotting some elaborate life for us all by myself, that we both bought into this love and got swept away by it, even if only for a moment. I suppose I would like a face-to-face conversation so I can look into those eyes I've adored my whole life - to get one last look and hopefully see for myself that I didn't completely misjudge this person for thirty years...that the good is still there, that it hurt him to hurt me, that neither of us ever dreamed it would turn out this way.
But I'm not going to get any of that. There will be no closure because sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes, despite all the best intentions, feelings change. Circumstances get in the way. Promises that were true when given become impossible to keep. I don't know if I believe any of that but whether or not I do, I think it might still be true. I don't think there was a malicious intent. I think sometimes life is overwhelming and the path of least resistance just becomes the only way out when you're mentally and physically and emotionally beaten down. I think easy becomes more appealing that honest. Maybe it's easier to scrap everything and start over, fresh, without all the pressure and obligation and expectation.
Part of my problem in life is that I like things to be clear cut - black or white, right or wrong, good guy and bad guy...but the reality is that a whole lot of life, especially life with other human beings, ends up being lived in the gray area.
The bottom line is I don't understand and I may never understand. I don't have closure and I probably never will. I still have to go forward and trust that God is still good and everything that happens in my life is filtered through His kindness. Perhaps knowing that is enough.
When I try to understand my circumstances, I end up lost in a sea of confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, self-pity and discouragement. But when I fix my eyes on God - His goodness, His power, His sovereignty, and His provision, the waters calm and I can rest and hope and wait in joyful expectation because He's always working for my good and always surprising me with His exceedingly, abundantly more.
"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:3-4
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6
So tonight, I'm choosing to let go of trying to understand and I'm accepting that there is no closure. Because God loves me and He's good and He's sovereign and He promises to use all things for good. And that will be enough.
And yet...I've been sad the last few days and I don't know why. I suppose there are just so many things I still don't understand. How do you go from planning a life together to never speaking again? Why bring me into the family and make me feel a part of something and then suddenly take it all back? How can someone love you one day and feel nothing at all for you days later? Why make promises like forever and "I'll never hurt you" only to turn around and break them all without any explanation? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Didn't I deserve a face-to-face conversation? How could I be so easily and so quickly replaced and rejected by everyone I thought cared about me? How could I have been so mistaken to think this was my fairytale?
I know the questions aren't really fair. There are three sides to every story - his, mine and the truth. I know that I will never get answers, even if there were answers to be had. A part of me just wants an explanation or a simple, but genuine "I'm sorry." I guess I'd like an acknowledgment that promises were made and broken and I didn't just make the whole thing up...that I didn't start this or accelerate it, that I wasn't plotting some elaborate life for us all by myself, that we both bought into this love and got swept away by it, even if only for a moment. I suppose I would like a face-to-face conversation so I can look into those eyes I've adored my whole life - to get one last look and hopefully see for myself that I didn't completely misjudge this person for thirty years...that the good is still there, that it hurt him to hurt me, that neither of us ever dreamed it would turn out this way.
But I'm not going to get any of that. There will be no closure because sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes, despite all the best intentions, feelings change. Circumstances get in the way. Promises that were true when given become impossible to keep. I don't know if I believe any of that but whether or not I do, I think it might still be true. I don't think there was a malicious intent. I think sometimes life is overwhelming and the path of least resistance just becomes the only way out when you're mentally and physically and emotionally beaten down. I think easy becomes more appealing that honest. Maybe it's easier to scrap everything and start over, fresh, without all the pressure and obligation and expectation.
Part of my problem in life is that I like things to be clear cut - black or white, right or wrong, good guy and bad guy...but the reality is that a whole lot of life, especially life with other human beings, ends up being lived in the gray area.
The bottom line is I don't understand and I may never understand. I don't have closure and I probably never will. I still have to go forward and trust that God is still good and everything that happens in my life is filtered through His kindness. Perhaps knowing that is enough.
When I try to understand my circumstances, I end up lost in a sea of confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, self-pity and discouragement. But when I fix my eyes on God - His goodness, His power, His sovereignty, and His provision, the waters calm and I can rest and hope and wait in joyful expectation because He's always working for my good and always surprising me with His exceedingly, abundantly more.
"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:3-4
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6
So tonight, I'm choosing to let go of trying to understand and I'm accepting that there is no closure. Because God loves me and He's good and He's sovereign and He promises to use all things for good. And that will be enough.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
if I'm being honest
When I start writing on here, its usually because one of two things has happened:
If I'm being honest...I have been praying a lot more than normal lately just to get through the days (and nights) so I feel like I've been learning a lot more than normal (and therefore posting a lot more than normal). It often works like that for me - you can see it in the timeline of this blog. In the valleys, I seek God with a lot more consistency and intensity...then He brings me out into the green meadow beside the still waters and I get distracted by other things or just busy enjoying the fact that I'm not in a valley anymore. Inevitably, I drift off course and eventually find myself back in the valley. Once I'm there, my misery and confusion drive me back to seeking God and His rescue. And because He is faithful even when I am not, He never rejects me. Instead, He welcomes me with open arms and I always find myself wondering why I ever looked for joy or peace or satisfaction anywhere other than in Him.
- I've gotten a revelation I want to remember or need to put into practice
- I'm working through something and struggling and I hope that by putting it out into cyberspace I can get a revelation
If I'm being honest...I have been praying a lot more than normal lately just to get through the days (and nights) so I feel like I've been learning a lot more than normal (and therefore posting a lot more than normal). It often works like that for me - you can see it in the timeline of this blog. In the valleys, I seek God with a lot more consistency and intensity...then He brings me out into the green meadow beside the still waters and I get distracted by other things or just busy enjoying the fact that I'm not in a valley anymore. Inevitably, I drift off course and eventually find myself back in the valley. Once I'm there, my misery and confusion drive me back to seeking God and His rescue. And because He is faithful even when I am not, He never rejects me. Instead, He welcomes me with open arms and I always find myself wondering why I ever looked for joy or peace or satisfaction anywhere other than in Him.
If I'm being honest...this pattern of up and down, near and far from God has been the story of my life. Although I have always loved God and been drawn to spiritual things, even as a young child, I haven't walked with Him very consistently. We do lots of trips in and out of the valley. And because of my inconsistency in seeking Him, I haven't experienced the victorious life I'm promised as a believer.
Take, for example, the past several months. I had other priorities - things I thought were good priorities - that kept me from focusing on God. I didn't have the time or inclination to really seek Him and His will. It wasn't that I turned my back on Him or stopped believing altogether. I just didn't have room or time in my life to make him a priority. And because of the growing distance between us, I made choices I knew dishonored Him. I ignored His whispered warnings and red flags. I focused on my desires and didn't consider what was best for those around me. Not because I didn't want to be obedient or because I didn't trust God. I just had other things I wanted more and I thought it would work out ok in the end because I love Him and He loves me and He's forgiving. Besides, everyone falls short, right? I know lots of people that didn't do everything right at the beginning of their relationship and it still all worked out. The rules are kind of impractical in this day and age, aren't they?
The only reason I mention all of this is clarify that I don't walk around on a cloud of holiness obeying God and hearing His voice 24/7. Not that anyone thinks that...especially anyone that knows me.
Still, I don't want a single person to read this and think I'm trying to come across as holier than thou. I'm not.
If I'm being honest...I'm a complete hot mess, despite my prayers and studies and good intentions and even with all God's power and love and goodness working in me. I still have road rage on a daily basis...basically every single time I get behind the wheel. My attitude at work right now is atrocious. I gossip. I whine and complain. I battle with self-pity to an embarrassing degree. Sometimes I go out with a friend for happy hour, have one glass of wine too many and send long, sad emails or texts to people that I know do not want to hear from me anymore. I'm undisciplined to a degree that is appalling. (A few examples: I have stayed up until nearly 1 a.m. every night this week on social media, I have done so much online shopping lately that I get as many Amazon shipping notices as I do family group texts, and I have been eating cookie dough for dinner lately...and those are just off the top of my head.) I try to control people when I feel insecure and when I feel hurt or scared, I push the ones I love to their breaking point. Even when God tells me to let things go and trust Him with them, sometimes I still think He needs my help and I end up being a bit of a stalker and ultimately making things much, much worse. I'm prideful and selfish and lazy and sometimes I'm downright mean...and I could go on and on with my flaws and failures...and those are just the ones I'm brave enough to mention.
I just want to make it clear that these notes are part of my struggle...my journey toward and with God...and not an attempt to make myself look like I have it altogether, which should be obvious from the notes themselves. I know better than anyone how far I am from where I want to be. I know the smallest hint of good in me is only the result of God's miraculous work.
Still, if I'm being honest...I know I'm not the same person I was when we started this walk...and I'm pressing on to where God wants to lead me. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that I am perfectly loved.
These notes are a way of trying to sort out and settle the lessons I feel like God is teaching me. I share them because I feel like He's asked me to even though it makes me feel raw and exposed sometimes. I try not to worry about how people respond because I know I'm doing this for Him and not for anyone else. But if I'm being honest, sometimes I still worry about sharing this much of my soul. I'm scared about how people will take it and use it and whether or not they will judge me. I'm afraid of what happens when I stumble or stop hearing God or hear Him completely wrong.
But...if I'm being honest...none of that matters when I return my eyes to Him.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:14
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
Still, I don't want a single person to read this and think I'm trying to come across as holier than thou. I'm not.
If I'm being honest...I'm a complete hot mess, despite my prayers and studies and good intentions and even with all God's power and love and goodness working in me. I still have road rage on a daily basis...basically every single time I get behind the wheel. My attitude at work right now is atrocious. I gossip. I whine and complain. I battle with self-pity to an embarrassing degree. Sometimes I go out with a friend for happy hour, have one glass of wine too many and send long, sad emails or texts to people that I know do not want to hear from me anymore. I'm undisciplined to a degree that is appalling. (A few examples: I have stayed up until nearly 1 a.m. every night this week on social media, I have done so much online shopping lately that I get as many Amazon shipping notices as I do family group texts, and I have been eating cookie dough for dinner lately...and those are just off the top of my head.) I try to control people when I feel insecure and when I feel hurt or scared, I push the ones I love to their breaking point. Even when God tells me to let things go and trust Him with them, sometimes I still think He needs my help and I end up being a bit of a stalker and ultimately making things much, much worse. I'm prideful and selfish and lazy and sometimes I'm downright mean...and I could go on and on with my flaws and failures...and those are just the ones I'm brave enough to mention.
I just want to make it clear that these notes are part of my struggle...my journey toward and with God...and not an attempt to make myself look like I have it altogether, which should be obvious from the notes themselves. I know better than anyone how far I am from where I want to be. I know the smallest hint of good in me is only the result of God's miraculous work.
Still, if I'm being honest...I know I'm not the same person I was when we started this walk...and I'm pressing on to where God wants to lead me. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that I am perfectly loved.
These notes are a way of trying to sort out and settle the lessons I feel like God is teaching me. I share them because I feel like He's asked me to even though it makes me feel raw and exposed sometimes. I try not to worry about how people respond because I know I'm doing this for Him and not for anyone else. But if I'm being honest, sometimes I still worry about sharing this much of my soul. I'm scared about how people will take it and use it and whether or not they will judge me. I'm afraid of what happens when I stumble or stop hearing God or hear Him completely wrong.
But...if I'm being honest...none of that matters when I return my eyes to Him.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:14
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
Monday, August 1, 2016
on new beginnings
I love a new month! It's like a blank slate, a fresh start, a do-over. And after the last month, I could really use all of the above. My intention is always to start off awesome - get up early, work out, spend time reading my bible, etc. etc.
That didn't happen today. Instead, I totally overslept.
I couldn't sleep last night because something I posted on here offended someone I care about. That truly wasn't my intent and what I posted was true so I immediately wanted to explain and defend myself, but all night as I tossed and turned, God kept telling me to lay it down. Telling me that He's my defender. Telling me that the part of me that wants to explain and justify is pride and fear of man. Telling me to rest...to trust Him...to let go.
The verse that kept coming back to me is this one:
(Jesus speaking:) "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:43
Now I don't think of the person I accidentally hurt as my enemy so I couldn't figure out why this verse kept coming to my mind. Then I felt like God showed me that I might unknowingly be the enemy. What the what?!?!?
Perhaps because of the strain in the relationship and a myriad of other circumstances, I feel like the enemy to this person? Perhaps it's not about this person but other people that view me as the enemy right now? Perhaps its some altogether different concept I just haven't been able to grasp yet?
I have no idea but I do know that I have been studying about practicing the fruits of the spirit and the one God has given me to focus on is love. Seriously. Like I couldn't use a little break from that particular four-letter word. But He's the boss and He keeps bringing me back to love. Love strangers. Love those who don't love me. Love when it costs you something. Love when it makes you look stupid. Love when you don't have the time or energy. And now, apparently, love your enemies even if they are completely unknown to you.
So I'm praying and practicing love to the best of my ability and letting go of trying to control how other people see me or my motives. If you read this and I am your enemy, would you consider saying a little prayer for me?
***
P.S. Despite my good intentions, it is so easy for me to fall back into trying to control how others perceive me. I keep learning over and over that no matter how much I want someone to understand my heart or my love for them even if they don't love me back, I have no control over how someone interprets my words and actions. I get no say in how people respond to me.
In His infinite wisdom and mercy, God keeps reminding me I have to stop trying to please men and trust Him with those I feel misunderstood by, those I'm worried about, those I want to help but cannot. It's a constant struggle to let go and acknowledge that sometimes I can do nothing to change someone else's mind/heart/circumstances.
Still, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration and He loves those I love perfectly. He will make good out of everything I surrender to Him. So I keep trying to lay it all down.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18
And one of my all-time favorites:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
Lord, I truly want your peace - for me and for those that I know are struggling. I want to love others well - even those that would call me their enemy. Help me stop trying to control perceptions and plead my case. Help me remember that You are in control. You are always working things out for good. Only you, Lord, can change the hearts of men. Only you can heal and restore. Only you are able to make all things work for good and for your glory. I ask for your supernatural peace to be poured out. Help me fix my eyes on you, Lord, and refuse to defend myself or seek to influence or control. I surrender, Lord. I trust you know best.
That didn't happen today. Instead, I totally overslept.
I couldn't sleep last night because something I posted on here offended someone I care about. That truly wasn't my intent and what I posted was true so I immediately wanted to explain and defend myself, but all night as I tossed and turned, God kept telling me to lay it down. Telling me that He's my defender. Telling me that the part of me that wants to explain and justify is pride and fear of man. Telling me to rest...to trust Him...to let go.
The verse that kept coming back to me is this one:
(Jesus speaking:) "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:43
Now I don't think of the person I accidentally hurt as my enemy so I couldn't figure out why this verse kept coming to my mind. Then I felt like God showed me that I might unknowingly be the enemy. What the what?!?!?
Perhaps because of the strain in the relationship and a myriad of other circumstances, I feel like the enemy to this person? Perhaps it's not about this person but other people that view me as the enemy right now? Perhaps its some altogether different concept I just haven't been able to grasp yet?
I have no idea but I do know that I have been studying about practicing the fruits of the spirit and the one God has given me to focus on is love. Seriously. Like I couldn't use a little break from that particular four-letter word. But He's the boss and He keeps bringing me back to love. Love strangers. Love those who don't love me. Love when it costs you something. Love when it makes you look stupid. Love when you don't have the time or energy. And now, apparently, love your enemies even if they are completely unknown to you.
So I'm praying and practicing love to the best of my ability and letting go of trying to control how other people see me or my motives. If you read this and I am your enemy, would you consider saying a little prayer for me?
***
P.S. Despite my good intentions, it is so easy for me to fall back into trying to control how others perceive me. I keep learning over and over that no matter how much I want someone to understand my heart or my love for them even if they don't love me back, I have no control over how someone interprets my words and actions. I get no say in how people respond to me.
In His infinite wisdom and mercy, God keeps reminding me I have to stop trying to please men and trust Him with those I feel misunderstood by, those I'm worried about, those I want to help but cannot. It's a constant struggle to let go and acknowledge that sometimes I can do nothing to change someone else's mind/heart/circumstances.
Still, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration and He loves those I love perfectly. He will make good out of everything I surrender to Him. So I keep trying to lay it all down.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18
And one of my all-time favorites:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
Lord, I truly want your peace - for me and for those that I know are struggling. I want to love others well - even those that would call me their enemy. Help me stop trying to control perceptions and plead my case. Help me remember that You are in control. You are always working things out for good. Only you, Lord, can change the hearts of men. Only you can heal and restore. Only you are able to make all things work for good and for your glory. I ask for your supernatural peace to be poured out. Help me fix my eyes on you, Lord, and refuse to defend myself or seek to influence or control. I surrender, Lord. I trust you know best.
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