The Valley of Baca

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools (or blessings). They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84:5-7

I find myself in a hard season. As much as I want to be faithful and trust God and His plans for me, I struggle with asking why and wanting Him to make it ok, to stop the pain. I don't understand why He has allowed this. I believe His word and that He can use all things - even this - for good (Romans 8:28) but it's taking too long and it hurts so much. Surely there is an easier way. 

Today I read the verses above. I looked up the Valley of Baca. It was a part of the desert country that had to be passed through to get to Jerusalem. It was a country full of thorns, wild animals, pitfalls, vipers, danger and water was far apart and difficult to get to. Going through this valley meant facing tremendous hardship and accounts for the name that means "Valley of Tears" - it sounds a lot like where I find myself. 

But I am trying to remind myself that God is my strength. That I have set my heart on this journey with God. I want to pass through this valley and make it a place of springs, drinking deep of the Living Water and allowing Him to refresh and sustain me. I want to trust God's healing rain and provision to cover and bless me. I want to go from strength to strength by His grace and power. 

I don't want to wander in this desert wasteland, plagued by doubt and bitterness and fear. I don't want to allow satan free reign of my mind. I don't want to stay here, stuck in self-pity and frustration. 

The alternative is to go from strength to strength. So when I find myself utterly without strength, what can I do?  I have to GO ON. I have to keep moving forward to where the next strength is and trust that God isn't finished. This valley isn't my destination. I have to keep going. 

Later in the same Psalm: 

"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." (v. 11-12)

God goes before me and behind me and beside me, even in this valley and even when I can't feel His presence.  He promises to never leave or forsake me. He's not going to leave me here but I have to keep walking with Him. 

Lord, thank you for your love and your grace and mercy. Thank you that this Valley of Tears is not the end of the road for me. Thank you for taking me from strength to strength. Please help me put one foot in front of the other and fix my eyes on You. 

on laying Isaac down

I vividly remember once, in college, when I went to a retreat and a woman named Irena talked about "laying her Isaac down" - an idol in her life that she longed for so hard and wanted so much that it had displaced God as first in her life.

Genesis 22
Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.

² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

⁸ Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.

¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

¹⁵ The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time ¹⁶ and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, ¹⁷ I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, ¹⁸ and through your offspring^[b] all nations on earth will be blessed,^[c] because you have obeyed me.”

I have thought about that woman, and her testimony a million times since that night because I often have things that creep up and turn into idols, or Isaacs, in my life.  I remembered her again today because I realize that its time to lay another Isaac down.

Lord, help me to love you and trust you enough to let it go.  I know if it's your will, you can bring it to pass in your perfect way and time and if its not your will, help me to realize whatever you plan for me is better.  Help me to trust that you are and you always will be enough.  Give me strength to keep holding on to you when it feels like you're all I have because the truth is you're all I need.  Thank you for your love and your patience.  Please hold my heart.  As I open my hands and let go of everything I have held on to so tightly, please take my hands and give me comfort.  Restore my hope in you and you alone.  Forgive me for ever putting any thing, any person, any desire ahead of you, Lord.  Thank you that you will never leave me or forsake me.

on seeing the answer

Over the past several days, I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions. 

In one moment I'm full of peace, confident in God's goodness and perfect plans for me, thinking "I love you, Lord.  Thank you that you work everything for my goodness and your glory!"  (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that cheesy.)

Then, in the next moment, I'm sobbing and screaming and asking "WHY WHY WHY are you so MEAN to me, God???"  (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that crazy.)

(I know what you're thinking...and you're right.  I'm a total mess.  He still loves me, though.  And He's awfully patient with me.) 

I don't like feeling this way.  I want to have unshakeable faith and unwavering confidence.  I don't want to have another single pity party again all the days of my life.  I want to walk through this world with such peace and grace and trust in Him that others point and whisper in awe and wonder.  (Okay, maybe not that last part...)

I want to have the kind of faith that inspires people and draws them to my Father.  I've seen it in others and its awesome!  I don't want to be the kind of nut-job, basket case that causes people to think, "Well if THAT'S what walking with God looks like, I think I'll take my chances on my own!"  More than anything in the world, I want to bring God glory and I know when I'm a sniveling, self-absorbed little cry-baby I'm doing the very opposite.

So I keep returning to Him.  I keep reading His word.  I keep treasuring the prayers of those around me that love me and want good for me.  I keep asking for peace and help and wisdom and comfort.  (And if I do these things between fits of rage and pity parties, well, its just because I'm a work in progress.)

Lately, I've also been asking for a sign.  Not a "do this or I won't believe anymore" sign but more of a "send a little life-float of encouragement" sign.  Anything.  Just a little, teeny, tiny hint that He sees my hurt and He's working on the solution.

Except deep down...

I really just want Him to do what I want.  Resolve my situation.  Restore my joy. Answer my prayers already.  Give me my happily ever after and do. it. right. now.

So when He showed scriptures each day to encourage my heart, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

And when an email came that spoke truth over my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

Then a link to a website where the blogger reminded me exactly what I needed to be reminded of, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

When loved ones called and emailed and texted and said they were praying for me and they have great hope and peace for my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

Even when my sweet mom, the non-crier, cried with me and said every single word of encouragement I needed to hear, I really, truly appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

And suddenly, this afternoon it hit me.  (Yes, I really am that slow.)

I'm reminded of the joke where the town floods and the man is on the roof praying for God to rescue him.  And a boat comes by and he doesn't get in because he's praying for God to rescue him.  Then the helicopter comes and he doesn't grab the ladder, just keeps praying for God's rescue.  And when he drowns and gets to heaven and asks why God didn't rescue him, God says, "Well, I sent a boat and a helicoptor???"

Thank you, Lord, for a million big and small signs and encouragements.  Thank you for your patience with my asking.  Because, really, you don't owe me any sign beyond the love you showed me on the cross...and yet, you continually pour out love and sweetness and comfort and peace.  Forgive my self-absorbed, fearful, untrusting heart.  Forgive my small faith.  Thank you for your Word, for surrounding me with loving friends and family and thank you for your endless patience with me.  Thank you that you're good, that you're sovereign and that, if waited on, you always satisfy the desires of my heart. 

Now, if only I could just get that one clear sign...just kidding.  (Mostly.)

on resting

I'm sad to report that I've been (self-)diagnosed with a terrible condition. 

I'm a striver. 

I know, its terrible news.  I really thought I was enlightened, living under grace, and fully aware of my complete and utter inability to do any good thing on my own.  I mean, I knew I was an obsessive planner and list-maker, but that's just because I've got the spiritual gift of organization.  That's not a gift of the spirit?  Hmm...

Recently God did something incredibly kind for me.  And by recently, I mean like yesterday.  And by kind, I mean He sort of broke my heart.

Let me back up.  I love God.  I want to love Him better, serve Him sacrificially, lay down my life in obedience to His plans and do it all for His glory.  But I have another condition.  Yes, I'm a total mess. In addition to being a striver, I'm selfish.  I want what I want, when I want it.  I want to be able to do x, y, z and get the outcome I think I deserve.  I had a pastor once that used a coke machine as a message illustration about how we treat God.  We put in our faith, prayers, etc. and push a button expecting God to spit out blessings.  And when it doesn't work, we get angry with Him.

So, for all my desires to love God and surrender my will to His, I've also been praying He would do something specific for me.  Something good.  Something that should be pretty easy for the Creator of the universe.  And because I'm a selfish striver, I thought I've been "good" and "faithful" and I've sought the Lord so I deserve this thing I'm asking for. 

And I've prayed.  And prayed.  And prayed.

For a long...long...long...long time.

Then, out of nowhere, it seemed like my prayers were answered.  All my dreams had come true.  Finally God was proven faithful.  Wait, what?  Did I just say that?

Because God was proven faithful when He created me out of dust.  And when He gave me life.  And when He loved me long before I comprehended it and long before I'd ever return that love...and long before I deserved to be loved (because let's face it, that's never going to happen).  God was proven faithful when He put on human flesh, was born a helpless baby, lived a sinless life in this uncomfortable and hateful world, endured rejection and humilitation from His very own creation then died a horrific painful death, taking on my shame and my sin.  He was proven faithful when, with His dying breath, He pleaded for my forgiveness.  He has been proven faithful in a million big and small ways that I often fail - or worse, refuse - to see.

I still believe that this gift was from God.  I still believe He works everything out for good.  But I also think He could see that I wasn't ready for the gift.  Because I had waited so long and wished so hard, I rushed right ahead of the gift-Giver.  I starting looking to the gift to make me feel safe and loved and whole.

But the gift couldn't satisfy my soul - only God can.  The gift didn't have the ability to make me feel whole and wholly loved - only God does.  And as long as I'm looking to a blessing from God to meet all the needs only God can meet, I am going to suck the life out of that blessing and turn it into a curse. 

So God, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, took the gift back.  And I cried and wailed and demanded an explanation.  And He gave me one.

Because I love you.

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strenth, but you would have none of it'...Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him."  Isaiah 30:15, 18.

So striving isn't the answer?  Getting what I want isn't the answer?  Waiting on the Lord is the answer?

That's why even in the midst of my great disappointment, I have incredible peace.  Because God truly can...and will...and does...satisfy my soul.  Entirely.  Solely.

He is the gift.

Always has been and always will be.

I hope someday soon He gives the gift back.  After He's prepared me to appreciate it without making it an idol.  But either way, I'm grateful for this lesson...and for rest and strength...and peace that passes understanding...for the end of my striving and for the cure for my selfishness.  I'm thankful for the gift that only God can be.