Lately I have felt like God is asking too much
to love when I'm not loved back
and wait while nothing changes
and hope when things seem hopeless
and believe when there is no reason to
and give when I haven't received
and I feel stupid
embarrassed
afraid
lonely
weak
helpless
foolish
rejected
I've been asking for a sign
or a change in my circumstances
or permission to give up and move on
for any indication things are changing or I am changing or there is hope for change
nothing
except the same scriptures that keep popping up over and over in all different places and ways
"In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15
"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:3-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Over and over...
Wait and be quiet.
Trust and obey.
Love without expectation.
Be patient.
Have faith.
Love when its undeserved.
Be still.
Wait.
Trust me.
Love.
Be quiet.
Obey.
And sometimes I still feel stupid
embarrassed
afraid
lonely
weak
helpless
foolish
rejected
But sometimes I feel hopeful
courageous
free
Sometimes I feel peace
expectation
joy
and sometimes I don't feel anything
so since my feelings can't be trusted anyway I am trying to focus on what I know to be true
He loves me
He is sovereign
He is good
He is with me
He is worthy
and perhaps that is enough
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Valley of Baca
"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools (or blessings). They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84:5-7
I find myself in a hard season. As much as I want to be faithful and trust God and His plans for me, I struggle with asking why and wanting Him to make it ok, to stop the pain. I don't understand why He has allowed this. I believe His word and that He can use all things - even this - for good (Romans 8:28) but it's taking too long and it hurts so much. Surely there is an easier way.
Today I read the verses above. I looked up the Valley of Baca. It was a part of the desert country that had to be passed through to get to Jerusalem. It was a country full of thorns, wild animals, pitfalls, vipers, danger and water was far apart and difficult to get to. Going through this valley meant facing tremendous hardship and accounts for the name that means "Valley of Tears" - it sounds a lot like where I find myself.
But I am trying to remind myself that God is my strength. That I have set my heart on this journey with God. I want to pass through this valley and make it a place of springs, drinking deep of the Living Water and allowing Him to refresh and sustain me. I want to trust God's healing rain and provision to cover and bless me. I want to go from strength to strength by His grace and power.
I don't want to wander in this desert wasteland, plagued by doubt and bitterness and fear. I don't want to allow satan free reign of my mind. I don't want to stay here, stuck in self-pity and frustration.
The alternative is to go from strength to strength. So when I find myself utterly without strength, what can I do? I have to GO ON. I have to keep moving forward to where the next strength is and trust that God isn't finished. This valley isn't my destination. I have to keep going.
Later in the same Psalm:
"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." (v. 11-12)
God goes before me and behind me and beside me, even in this valley and even when I can't feel His presence. He promises to never leave or forsake me. He's not going to leave me here but I have to keep walking with Him.
Lord, thank you for your love and your grace and mercy. Thank you that this Valley of Tears is not the end of the road for me. Thank you for taking me from strength to strength. Please help me put one foot in front of the other and fix my eyes on You.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
on laying Isaac down
I vividly remember once, in college, when I went to a retreat and a woman named Irena talked about "laying her Isaac down" - an idol in her life that she longed for so hard and wanted so much that it had displaced God as first in her life.
Genesis 22
Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
15 The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring[b] all nations on earth will be blessed,[c] because you have obeyed me.”
I have thought about that woman, and her testimony a million times since that night because I often have things that creep up and turn into idols, or Isaacs, in my life. I remembered her again today because I realize that its time to lay another Isaac down.
Lord, help me to love you and trust you enough to let it go. I know if it's your will, you can bring it to pass in your perfect way and time and if its not your will, help me to realize whatever you plan for me is better. Help me to trust that you are and you always will be enough. Give me strength to keep holding on to you when it feels like you're all I have because the truth is you're all I need. Thank you for your love and your patience. Please hold my heart. As I open my hands and let go of everything I have held on to so tightly, please take my hands and give me comfort. Restore my hope in you and you alone. Forgive me for ever putting any thing, any person, any desire ahead of you, Lord. Thank you that you will never leave me or forsake me.
Genesis 22
Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”
6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”
15 The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring[b] all nations on earth will be blessed,[c] because you have obeyed me.”
I have thought about that woman, and her testimony a million times since that night because I often have things that creep up and turn into idols, or Isaacs, in my life. I remembered her again today because I realize that its time to lay another Isaac down.
Lord, help me to love you and trust you enough to let it go. I know if it's your will, you can bring it to pass in your perfect way and time and if its not your will, help me to realize whatever you plan for me is better. Help me to trust that you are and you always will be enough. Give me strength to keep holding on to you when it feels like you're all I have because the truth is you're all I need. Thank you for your love and your patience. Please hold my heart. As I open my hands and let go of everything I have held on to so tightly, please take my hands and give me comfort. Restore my hope in you and you alone. Forgive me for ever putting any thing, any person, any desire ahead of you, Lord. Thank you that you will never leave me or forsake me.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
on seeing the answer
Over the past several days, I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions.
In one moment I'm full of peace, confident in God's goodness and perfect plans for me, thinking "I love you, Lord. Thank you that you work everything for my goodness and your glory!" (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that cheesy.)
Then, in the next moment, I'm sobbing and screaming and asking "WHY WHY WHY are you so MEAN to me, God???" (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that crazy.)
(I know what you're thinking...and you're right. I'm a total mess. He still loves me, though. And He's awfully patient with me.)
I don't like feeling this way. I want to have unshakeable faith and unwavering confidence. I don't want to have another single pity party again all the days of my life. I want to walk through this world with such peace and grace and trust in Him that others point and whisper in awe and wonder. (Okay, maybe not that last part...)
I want to have the kind of faith that inspires people and draws them to my Father. I've seen it in others and its awesome! I don't want to be the kind of nut-job, basket case that causes people to think, "Well if THAT'S what walking with God looks like, I think I'll take my chances on my own!" More than anything in the world, I want to bring God glory and I know when I'm a sniveling, self-absorbed little cry-baby I'm doing the very opposite.
So I keep returning to Him. I keep reading His word. I keep treasuring the prayers of those around me that love me and want good for me. I keep asking for peace and help and wisdom and comfort. (And if I do these things between fits of rage and pity parties, well, its just because I'm a work in progress.)
Lately, I've also been asking for a sign. Not a "do this or I won't believe anymore" sign but more of a "send a little life-float of encouragement" sign. Anything. Just a little, teeny, tiny hint that He sees my hurt and He's working on the solution.
Except deep down...
I really just want Him to do what I want. Resolve my situation. Restore my joy. Answer my prayers already. Give me my happily ever after and do. it. right. now.
So when He showed scriptures each day to encourage my heart, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
And when an email came that spoke truth over my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
Then a link to a website where the blogger reminded me exactly what I needed to be reminded of, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
When loved ones called and emailed and texted and said they were praying for me and they have great hope and peace for my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
Even when my sweet mom, the non-crier, cried with me and said every single word of encouragement I needed to hear, I really, truly appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
And suddenly, this afternoon it hit me. (Yes, I really am that slow.)
I'm reminded of the joke where the town floods and the man is on the roof praying for God to rescue him. And a boat comes by and he doesn't get in because he's praying for God to rescue him. Then the helicopter comes and he doesn't grab the ladder, just keeps praying for God's rescue. And when he drowns and gets to heaven and asks why God didn't rescue him, God says, "Well, I sent a boat and a helicoptor???"
Thank you, Lord, for a million big and small signs and encouragements. Thank you for your patience with my asking. Because, really, you don't owe me any sign beyond the love you showed me on the cross...and yet, you continually pour out love and sweetness and comfort and peace. Forgive my self-absorbed, fearful, untrusting heart. Forgive my small faith. Thank you for your Word, for surrounding me with loving friends and family and thank you for your endless patience with me. Thank you that you're good, that you're sovereign and that, if waited on, you always satisfy the desires of my heart.
Now, if only I could just get that one clear sign...just kidding. (Mostly.)
In one moment I'm full of peace, confident in God's goodness and perfect plans for me, thinking "I love you, Lord. Thank you that you work everything for my goodness and your glory!" (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that cheesy.)
Then, in the next moment, I'm sobbing and screaming and asking "WHY WHY WHY are you so MEAN to me, God???" (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that crazy.)
(I know what you're thinking...and you're right. I'm a total mess. He still loves me, though. And He's awfully patient with me.)
I don't like feeling this way. I want to have unshakeable faith and unwavering confidence. I don't want to have another single pity party again all the days of my life. I want to walk through this world with such peace and grace and trust in Him that others point and whisper in awe and wonder. (Okay, maybe not that last part...)
I want to have the kind of faith that inspires people and draws them to my Father. I've seen it in others and its awesome! I don't want to be the kind of nut-job, basket case that causes people to think, "Well if THAT'S what walking with God looks like, I think I'll take my chances on my own!" More than anything in the world, I want to bring God glory and I know when I'm a sniveling, self-absorbed little cry-baby I'm doing the very opposite.
So I keep returning to Him. I keep reading His word. I keep treasuring the prayers of those around me that love me and want good for me. I keep asking for peace and help and wisdom and comfort. (And if I do these things between fits of rage and pity parties, well, its just because I'm a work in progress.)
Lately, I've also been asking for a sign. Not a "do this or I won't believe anymore" sign but more of a "send a little life-float of encouragement" sign. Anything. Just a little, teeny, tiny hint that He sees my hurt and He's working on the solution.
Except deep down...
I really just want Him to do what I want. Resolve my situation. Restore my joy. Answer my prayers already. Give me my happily ever after and do. it. right. now.
So when He showed scriptures each day to encourage my heart, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
And when an email came that spoke truth over my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
Then a link to a website where the blogger reminded me exactly what I needed to be reminded of, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
When loved ones called and emailed and texted and said they were praying for me and they have great hope and peace for my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
Even when my sweet mom, the non-crier, cried with me and said every single word of encouragement I needed to hear, I really, truly appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.
And suddenly, this afternoon it hit me. (Yes, I really am that slow.)
I'm reminded of the joke where the town floods and the man is on the roof praying for God to rescue him. And a boat comes by and he doesn't get in because he's praying for God to rescue him. Then the helicopter comes and he doesn't grab the ladder, just keeps praying for God's rescue. And when he drowns and gets to heaven and asks why God didn't rescue him, God says, "Well, I sent a boat and a helicoptor???"
Thank you, Lord, for a million big and small signs and encouragements. Thank you for your patience with my asking. Because, really, you don't owe me any sign beyond the love you showed me on the cross...and yet, you continually pour out love and sweetness and comfort and peace. Forgive my self-absorbed, fearful, untrusting heart. Forgive my small faith. Thank you for your Word, for surrounding me with loving friends and family and thank you for your endless patience with me. Thank you that you're good, that you're sovereign and that, if waited on, you always satisfy the desires of my heart.
Now, if only I could just get that one clear sign...just kidding. (Mostly.)
Thursday, October 3, 2013
on resting
I'm sad to report that I've been (self-)diagnosed with a terrible condition.
I'm a striver.
I know, its terrible news. I really thought I was enlightened, living under grace, and fully aware of my complete and utter inability to do any good thing on my own. I mean, I knew I was an obsessive planner and list-maker, but that's just because I've got the spiritual gift of organization. That's not a gift of the spirit? Hmm...
Recently God did something incredibly kind for me. And by recently, I mean like yesterday. And by kind, I mean He sort of broke my heart.
Let me back up. I love God. I want to love Him better, serve Him sacrificially, lay down my life in obedience to His plans and do it all for His glory. But I have another condition. Yes, I'm a total mess. In addition to being a striver, I'm selfish. I want what I want, when I want it. I want to be able to do x, y, z and get the outcome I think I deserve. I had a pastor once that used a coke machine as a message illustration about how we treat God. We put in our faith, prayers, etc. and push a button expecting God to spit out blessings. And when it doesn't work, we get angry with Him.
So, for all my desires to love God and surrender my will to His, I've also been praying He would do something specific for me. Something good. Something that should be pretty easy for the Creator of the universe. And because I'm a selfish striver, I thought I've been "good" and "faithful" and I've sought the Lord so I deserve this thing I'm asking for.
And I've prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
For a long...long...long...long time.
Then, out of nowhere, it seemed like my prayers were answered. All my dreams had come true. Finally God was proven faithful. Wait, what? Did I just say that?
Because God was proven faithful when He created me out of dust. And when He gave me life. And when He loved me long before I comprehended it and long before I'd ever return that love...and long before I deserved to be loved (because let's face it, that's never going to happen). God was proven faithful when He put on human flesh, was born a helpless baby, lived a sinless life in this uncomfortable and hateful world, endured rejection and humilitation from His very own creation then died a horrific painful death, taking on my shame and my sin. He was proven faithful when, with His dying breath, He pleaded for my forgiveness. He has been proven faithful in a million big and small ways that I often fail - or worse, refuse - to see.
I still believe that this gift was from God. I still believe He works everything out for good. But I also think He could see that I wasn't ready for the gift. Because I had waited so long and wished so hard, I rushed right ahead of the gift-Giver. I starting looking to the gift to make me feel safe and loved and whole.
But the gift couldn't satisfy my soul - only God can. The gift didn't have the ability to make me feel whole and wholly loved - only God does. And as long as I'm looking to a blessing from God to meet all the needs only God can meet, I am going to suck the life out of that blessing and turn it into a curse.
So God, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, took the gift back. And I cried and wailed and demanded an explanation. And He gave me one.
Because I love you.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strenth, but you would have none of it'...Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him." Isaiah 30:15, 18.
So striving isn't the answer? Getting what I want isn't the answer? Waiting on the Lord is the answer?
That's why even in the midst of my great disappointment, I have incredible peace. Because God truly can...and will...and does...satisfy my soul. Entirely. Solely.
He is the gift.
Always has been and always will be.
I hope someday soon He gives the gift back. After He's prepared me to appreciate it without making it an idol. But either way, I'm grateful for this lesson...and for rest and strength...and peace that passes understanding...for the end of my striving and for the cure for my selfishness. I'm thankful for the gift that only God can be.
I'm a striver.
I know, its terrible news. I really thought I was enlightened, living under grace, and fully aware of my complete and utter inability to do any good thing on my own. I mean, I knew I was an obsessive planner and list-maker, but that's just because I've got the spiritual gift of organization. That's not a gift of the spirit? Hmm...
Recently God did something incredibly kind for me. And by recently, I mean like yesterday. And by kind, I mean He sort of broke my heart.
Let me back up. I love God. I want to love Him better, serve Him sacrificially, lay down my life in obedience to His plans and do it all for His glory. But I have another condition. Yes, I'm a total mess. In addition to being a striver, I'm selfish. I want what I want, when I want it. I want to be able to do x, y, z and get the outcome I think I deserve. I had a pastor once that used a coke machine as a message illustration about how we treat God. We put in our faith, prayers, etc. and push a button expecting God to spit out blessings. And when it doesn't work, we get angry with Him.
So, for all my desires to love God and surrender my will to His, I've also been praying He would do something specific for me. Something good. Something that should be pretty easy for the Creator of the universe. And because I'm a selfish striver, I thought I've been "good" and "faithful" and I've sought the Lord so I deserve this thing I'm asking for.
And I've prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
For a long...long...long...long time.
Then, out of nowhere, it seemed like my prayers were answered. All my dreams had come true. Finally God was proven faithful. Wait, what? Did I just say that?
Because God was proven faithful when He created me out of dust. And when He gave me life. And when He loved me long before I comprehended it and long before I'd ever return that love...and long before I deserved to be loved (because let's face it, that's never going to happen). God was proven faithful when He put on human flesh, was born a helpless baby, lived a sinless life in this uncomfortable and hateful world, endured rejection and humilitation from His very own creation then died a horrific painful death, taking on my shame and my sin. He was proven faithful when, with His dying breath, He pleaded for my forgiveness. He has been proven faithful in a million big and small ways that I often fail - or worse, refuse - to see.
I still believe that this gift was from God. I still believe He works everything out for good. But I also think He could see that I wasn't ready for the gift. Because I had waited so long and wished so hard, I rushed right ahead of the gift-Giver. I starting looking to the gift to make me feel safe and loved and whole.
But the gift couldn't satisfy my soul - only God can. The gift didn't have the ability to make me feel whole and wholly loved - only God does. And as long as I'm looking to a blessing from God to meet all the needs only God can meet, I am going to suck the life out of that blessing and turn it into a curse.
So God, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, took the gift back. And I cried and wailed and demanded an explanation. And He gave me one.
Because I love you.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strenth, but you would have none of it'...Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him." Isaiah 30:15, 18.
So striving isn't the answer? Getting what I want isn't the answer? Waiting on the Lord is the answer?
That's why even in the midst of my great disappointment, I have incredible peace. Because God truly can...and will...and does...satisfy my soul. Entirely. Solely.
He is the gift.
Always has been and always will be.
I hope someday soon He gives the gift back. After He's prepared me to appreciate it without making it an idol. But either way, I'm grateful for this lesson...and for rest and strength...and peace that passes understanding...for the end of my striving and for the cure for my selfishness. I'm thankful for the gift that only God can be.
Friday, June 28, 2013
on open-handedness
I'm learning about open-handedness...
the practice of relinquishing my tendency/need/desire to clutch/cling/grip in an attempt to manage/control/rule
so that I can be in right relationship and complete surrender to my Creator
***
I see my close-handedness in a thousand big and small things...my selfishness with my time and money, my need to be right or have the last word, my frequently-offended heart...every single time my focus or priority is me.
Identifying it is the first step.
Then I can start confessing my closed hands
and praying for God's direction and strength
to start opening up my fists
and giving all the thousand big and small things back to Him.
***
Progress seems slow and small and sometimes painful.
I congratulate myself for giving away possessions or sacrificing my time and denying myself comforts, and I feel such pride...over what? Obedience? Giving away things that were never truly mine? O Pharisee, guard your heart.
Because I realize that as hard as it may feel in these beginning stages to open my hands when it comes to stuff or money or time...that's child's play.
I think of a friend who is burying his father this week
or friends who long for the love of a spouse or the blessing of a child
or friends who struggle with failing health or the terrifying diagnosis
and sometimes the idea of such loss/grief/pain feels overwhelming and unbearable
The thought of living open-handed with my loved ones
or my health
or my deepest longings
or my biggest dreams
...that would be true sacrifice. Dear God, please don't ask me to live without [insert him, her, it].
***
Hebrews 13:5
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down ( relax My hold on you)! [ Assuredly not!]
***
I'm learning about open-handedness
...and I'm starting to realize it has nothing to do with the thing in my hand
and everything to do with faith...and trust...and love...and my Heavenly Father
and HIS hands
that hold mine
and hold me
and hold the thousand big and small things.
the practice of relinquishing my tendency/need/desire to clutch/cling/grip in an attempt to manage/control/rule
so that I can be in right relationship and complete surrender to my Creator
***
I see my close-handedness in a thousand big and small things...my selfishness with my time and money, my need to be right or have the last word, my frequently-offended heart...every single time my focus or priority is me.
Identifying it is the first step.
Then I can start confessing my closed hands
and praying for God's direction and strength
to start opening up my fists
and giving all the thousand big and small things back to Him.
***
Progress seems slow and small and sometimes painful.
I congratulate myself for giving away possessions or sacrificing my time and denying myself comforts, and I feel such pride...over what? Obedience? Giving away things that were never truly mine? O Pharisee, guard your heart.
Because I realize that as hard as it may feel in these beginning stages to open my hands when it comes to stuff or money or time...that's child's play.
I think of a friend who is burying his father this week
or friends who long for the love of a spouse or the blessing of a child
or friends who struggle with failing health or the terrifying diagnosis
and sometimes the idea of such loss/grief/pain feels overwhelming and unbearable
The thought of living open-handed with my loved ones
or my health
or my deepest longings
or my biggest dreams
...that would be true sacrifice. Dear God, please don't ask me to live without [insert him, her, it].
***
Hebrews 13:5
Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down ( relax My hold on you)! [ Assuredly not!]
***
I'm learning about open-handedness
...and I'm starting to realize it has nothing to do with the thing in my hand
and everything to do with faith...and trust...and love...and my Heavenly Father
and HIS hands
that hold mine
and hold me
and hold the thousand big and small things.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
when there are no words
Today another horrible, evil thing happened. Why it impacted me differently than any of the other horrible, evil things, I'm not sure. Maybe because I live about 3 blocks from the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial and news like this just feels different here. Maybe because the anniversary of that attack is this very week. Maybe because I'm running in my own race "to remember" in 12 days. Maybe because no one has twisted this into an agenda yet. Maybe it's cumulative - seeing evil being evil yet again has worn me down and made me especially raw.
Every now and then, when I can't quite process something or my heart feels heavy, I write a song. I finished writing it in about 30 minutes with a bible next to me. The vocals are pitchy and the guitar playing is worse. A single take, the first and only one, with no effects. No excuses for why it's not better...but the truth is, its not about me. Or the song. Its about the promise.
God promised to never leave or forsake us. To bind up our wounds. To hear our cries. He promised that darkness doesn't ever get the last word. In short, he promised that no matter what it looks like, no matter what happens in this fallen world, no matter how awful things get...in the end, LOVE WINS.
And on a night like tonight, that's about the only hope we have.
***
Love Wins
Every now and then, when I can't quite process something or my heart feels heavy, I write a song. I finished writing it in about 30 minutes with a bible next to me. The vocals are pitchy and the guitar playing is worse. A single take, the first and only one, with no effects. No excuses for why it's not better...but the truth is, its not about me. Or the song. Its about the promise.
God promised to never leave or forsake us. To bind up our wounds. To hear our cries. He promised that darkness doesn't ever get the last word. In short, he promised that no matter what it looks like, no matter what happens in this fallen world, no matter how awful things get...in the end, LOVE WINS.
And on a night like tonight, that's about the only hope we have.
***
Love Wins
Its all over the news again
The blood the screams the whole world’s ugly sins
It looks like we’re losing
But you promised
So when the fear cuts me to the quick
And the haters laugh and lovers just feel sick
I remind myself not to forget
That it’s finished
Chorus:
The wicked will not stand but your righteous will not fall
You see our broken hearts you answer when we call
And though we are afraid and we don’t understand
When it looks like the whole world has gone dark again
We remember your love wins
So please come close and comfort us tonight
Bind up the wounds and pour our your lovelight
My soul is weary and I need your strength
To keep believing
This world is broken, that seems crystal clear
Sometimes I wonder why you leave us here
But you say to trust and not to fear
You’re the overcomer
Bridge:
The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them
He delivers them from all their troubles
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit
The righteous person may have many troubles
but the Lord delivers them from them all
Saturday, February 23, 2013
on the battle between present and future self
So many times, when confronted with a temptation or a chore, you pause and listen to input from two very opinionated contributors: Present self and Future self.
Future self is usually more reserved, almost quiet, but speaks with reason and wisdom. Future self has your best interest in mind.
Present self, on the other hand, is loud, argumentative and extremely persuasive. Present self is completely focused on what feels good right this second with little thought of the long-term consequences.
Future self offers insights and logic but leaves the choice with you. Future self is a good friend.
Present self is all about getting you to focus on your feelings. Present self is basically a big bully.
So, when the alarm goes off, future self quietly reminds you that your whole day goes better if you get up on time. Present self wails and screams and whines, "But I'm tired!!! I didn't get enough sleep! I don't want to be tired all day! You always set the alarm too early and you can get ready way faster than you allow for, just wear your hair in a messy bun...puh-leeeeeezeee just five more minutes!!!"
So when you listen to present self, you hit snooze about 20 times, get up 2 hours late, feel rushed and frustrated and crabby and flustered the rest of the day. Oh, and your hair looks ridiculous.
Perhaps you get home from work and sit down on the couch and turn on the tv. Future self politely mentions that you should put on your workout clothes and go run before you get caught up in other things or too tired or it gets too dark outside. But Present self immediately starts rushing to distract you. Check the fridge, read your mail, look at Facebook. Present self is full of discouragement: it is too hot or cold outside, you had such a hard day, this is such a good episode of 30 Rock, you're awfully tired. "Besides," whispers present self, "you can get up early tomorrow and work out!" (Never mind that Present self is the one that kept you from getting up and doing your workout every single morning this week.)
If you listen to Present self, you grab a snack, sit in front of the tv the rest of the night and go to bed late feeling the same frustration and irritation you've felt with yourself all day because you've wasted hours and have nothing to show for it - except all the stuff you've added to the to do list for tomorrow!
Present self picks junk food and Future self is stuck with the extra weight. Present self buys whatever it wants then Future self gets left with the bill. Present self wastes the time and Future self is the one left scrambling and stressed at the last minute. Its not fair!
On those rare occasions when Future self does win out, don't you feel better? Don't you always think, "I should listen to you more often - you're so wise!" Afterwards it is always easier to see why Future self is a better advisor. But in the moment, Present self always makes the better argument.
I guess what I'm trying to say is not all of your advisors are created equal and they shouldn't all get the same vote or the same authority. Present self is selfish and only lives in the moment because all the consequences fall on Future self. Future self is going to live with the repercussions of the choices Present self made, so Future self has a stake in your long-term wellbeing. Present self is short-sighted and can't be trusted. Future self has your best interest at heart and wants the same things you really want, deep down.
So maybe it's time to stop letting Present self ruin things for you! Decide to give Future self the authority to make the majority of your choices going forward. Present self can still choose every now and then - like when we're deciding what to do on the weekends with free time or choosing what movie to see. Otherwise, let's put Future self in charge.
Now that its settled, Future self thinks you should get off the computer and go be productive out in the world...
Future self is usually more reserved, almost quiet, but speaks with reason and wisdom. Future self has your best interest in mind.
Present self, on the other hand, is loud, argumentative and extremely persuasive. Present self is completely focused on what feels good right this second with little thought of the long-term consequences.
Future self offers insights and logic but leaves the choice with you. Future self is a good friend.
Present self is all about getting you to focus on your feelings. Present self is basically a big bully.
So, when the alarm goes off, future self quietly reminds you that your whole day goes better if you get up on time. Present self wails and screams and whines, "But I'm tired!!! I didn't get enough sleep! I don't want to be tired all day! You always set the alarm too early and you can get ready way faster than you allow for, just wear your hair in a messy bun...puh-leeeeeezeee just five more minutes!!!"
So when you listen to present self, you hit snooze about 20 times, get up 2 hours late, feel rushed and frustrated and crabby and flustered the rest of the day. Oh, and your hair looks ridiculous.
Perhaps you get home from work and sit down on the couch and turn on the tv. Future self politely mentions that you should put on your workout clothes and go run before you get caught up in other things or too tired or it gets too dark outside. But Present self immediately starts rushing to distract you. Check the fridge, read your mail, look at Facebook. Present self is full of discouragement: it is too hot or cold outside, you had such a hard day, this is such a good episode of 30 Rock, you're awfully tired. "Besides," whispers present self, "you can get up early tomorrow and work out!" (Never mind that Present self is the one that kept you from getting up and doing your workout every single morning this week.)
If you listen to Present self, you grab a snack, sit in front of the tv the rest of the night and go to bed late feeling the same frustration and irritation you've felt with yourself all day because you've wasted hours and have nothing to show for it - except all the stuff you've added to the to do list for tomorrow!
Present self picks junk food and Future self is stuck with the extra weight. Present self buys whatever it wants then Future self gets left with the bill. Present self wastes the time and Future self is the one left scrambling and stressed at the last minute. Its not fair!
On those rare occasions when Future self does win out, don't you feel better? Don't you always think, "I should listen to you more often - you're so wise!" Afterwards it is always easier to see why Future self is a better advisor. But in the moment, Present self always makes the better argument.
I guess what I'm trying to say is not all of your advisors are created equal and they shouldn't all get the same vote or the same authority. Present self is selfish and only lives in the moment because all the consequences fall on Future self. Future self is going to live with the repercussions of the choices Present self made, so Future self has a stake in your long-term wellbeing. Present self is short-sighted and can't be trusted. Future self has your best interest at heart and wants the same things you really want, deep down.
So maybe it's time to stop letting Present self ruin things for you! Decide to give Future self the authority to make the majority of your choices going forward. Present self can still choose every now and then - like when we're deciding what to do on the weekends with free time or choosing what movie to see. Otherwise, let's put Future self in charge.
Now that its settled, Future self thinks you should get off the computer and go be productive out in the world...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
on feeling worn
I'm worn. I could say tired or discouraged or afraid...but the truth is, I'm all of those things mixed together. More than just crabby or frustrated. More that just in a mood.
I know I'm blessed, I know God is faithful, I know that my feelings are fickle and I know that a lot of factors are contributing to my angst...stress at work and the gray skies outside and a general discomfort with my place in this world...
I have Pandora on in the background and a song just came on that brings me to tears every single time I hear it. It puts words to all the feelings I've been having and have tried to articulate in many of my posts and so, today, instead of trying to explain myself, I just wanted to share the lyrics. There is a link at the bottom to the youtube video. You should take 4 minutes and 8 seconds and watch/listen.
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
I'm worn
Songwriter(s): Jason Ingram, Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen
Copyright: Sony/Atv Timber Publishing, Open Hands Music, Formerly Music, West Main Music, Prepare For The Zombie Apocalypse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Matthew 11:28-29“…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Thank you, Lord. For loving me, for music and rest and new mercies every morning. For being bigger than my feelings and failings and this world. For reminders that I matter because you love me. For that being enough. Thank you for you. Everything else pales in comparison.
I know I'm blessed, I know God is faithful, I know that my feelings are fickle and I know that a lot of factors are contributing to my angst...stress at work and the gray skies outside and a general discomfort with my place in this world...
I have Pandora on in the background and a song just came on that brings me to tears every single time I hear it. It puts words to all the feelings I've been having and have tried to articulate in many of my posts and so, today, instead of trying to explain myself, I just wanted to share the lyrics. There is a link at the bottom to the youtube video. You should take 4 minutes and 8 seconds and watch/listen.
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I'm tired, I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though, I'm worn
I'm worn
Songwriter(s): Jason Ingram, Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen
Copyright: Sony/Atv Timber Publishing, Open Hands Music, Formerly Music, West Main Music, Prepare For The Zombie Apocalypse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
Matthew 11:28-29“…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Thank you, Lord. For loving me, for music and rest and new mercies every morning. For being bigger than my feelings and failings and this world. For reminders that I matter because you love me. For that being enough. Thank you for you. Everything else pales in comparison.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
on remembering who you really are
Recently my sister gave me one of her Netflix logins. Unfortunately, because I am a tv/movie junkie and borderline hermit, this has become a huge problem. Case in point: I started watching the first season of "Once Upon a Time" and from the opening credits, I was hooked. 22 episodes. I was obsessed. I watched late into the night. All weekend long. Every spare minute, I was glued to my computer. The show is about a town, Storybrook, where all the fairytale characters live together, in modern times, under the evil queen's curse. But the thing is, they don't remember anything - not the past, not about magic, not even who they really are. They have forgotten their true identity.
I love this show for lots of reasons but the single idea of the forgotten identity has completely wrecked me...because in so many ways, I think its also the curse of our modern world. We go through our days, drinking our morning coffee, heading to our jobs, answering emails and phone calls or driving our trucks or taking care of our kids, we pay bills, we plan for the next calendar event (birthday, wedding, dentist appointment), we watch our sitcoms then fall asleep at night with a nagging sense of something more, some greater meaning or purpose...but its just out of the periphery. We have a fuzzy sense of it but most of the time, it feels just beyond our reach...foggy...surreal. We have moments of clarity when we hear a great message or God interrupts us with something miraculous or wonderful and we're reminded of it when the skies get dark and our hearts get broken by death or loss or general numbness.
I'm not smart enough, or articulate enough, to bring it into focus entirely but I can try and explain what I know in this moment. We were created. We were formed. We were designed. We were dreamed up. By a God capable of creating mountains and oceans and trees and giraffes and sunrises and flowers and snow and horses and stars and Hawaii. And that's the short list. And of all he ever created, only we were made in His own image.
Only we were chosen.
Adopted.
Loved.
Saved.
I struggle with trusting God. I always know he's able to do whatever I'm asking but sometimes I wonder if he's willing. If he's paying attention. If he cares about my small requests or my temporary happiness. And I know in my head that he knows best and his ways are good and his timing is perfect. But that doesn't change anything about how it feels to be stuck in a situation where he doesn't seem to see me or care about my hurt or worry or fear.
I want to have great faith. But I get worn out sometimes from believing and not seeing. From clinging to truth while this world batters me with lies. Sometimes it just gets to be too hard and just like a toddler, I want to just have a complete fit. Sometimes I do. Literally. Sometimes I go into a cave of self-pity and just stay there waiting for a rescue I really don't deserve.
But my God is a God of rescue. He always pursues me. He helps me remember who I am. Whose I am. He helps me remember that if he loved me enough to create me and choose me and adopt me and love me and save me...of course he cares about the details of my life. If he knows the number of hairs on my head, of course he knows about the desires of my heart. Of course he cares. Of course he will move heaven and earth for me. Of course. Of course.
And just like that, even if only for a moment, the curse is broken. I remember.
Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me. Psalm 103:2
I love this show for lots of reasons but the single idea of the forgotten identity has completely wrecked me...because in so many ways, I think its also the curse of our modern world. We go through our days, drinking our morning coffee, heading to our jobs, answering emails and phone calls or driving our trucks or taking care of our kids, we pay bills, we plan for the next calendar event (birthday, wedding, dentist appointment), we watch our sitcoms then fall asleep at night with a nagging sense of something more, some greater meaning or purpose...but its just out of the periphery. We have a fuzzy sense of it but most of the time, it feels just beyond our reach...foggy...surreal. We have moments of clarity when we hear a great message or God interrupts us with something miraculous or wonderful and we're reminded of it when the skies get dark and our hearts get broken by death or loss or general numbness.
I'm not smart enough, or articulate enough, to bring it into focus entirely but I can try and explain what I know in this moment. We were created. We were formed. We were designed. We were dreamed up. By a God capable of creating mountains and oceans and trees and giraffes and sunrises and flowers and snow and horses and stars and Hawaii. And that's the short list. And of all he ever created, only we were made in His own image.
Only we were chosen.
Adopted.
Loved.
Saved.
I struggle with trusting God. I always know he's able to do whatever I'm asking but sometimes I wonder if he's willing. If he's paying attention. If he cares about my small requests or my temporary happiness. And I know in my head that he knows best and his ways are good and his timing is perfect. But that doesn't change anything about how it feels to be stuck in a situation where he doesn't seem to see me or care about my hurt or worry or fear.
I want to have great faith. But I get worn out sometimes from believing and not seeing. From clinging to truth while this world batters me with lies. Sometimes it just gets to be too hard and just like a toddler, I want to just have a complete fit. Sometimes I do. Literally. Sometimes I go into a cave of self-pity and just stay there waiting for a rescue I really don't deserve.
But my God is a God of rescue. He always pursues me. He helps me remember who I am. Whose I am. He helps me remember that if he loved me enough to create me and choose me and adopt me and love me and save me...of course he cares about the details of my life. If he knows the number of hairs on my head, of course he knows about the desires of my heart. Of course he cares. Of course he will move heaven and earth for me. Of course. Of course.
And just like that, even if only for a moment, the curse is broken. I remember.
Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me. Psalm 103:2
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
on hardheartedness
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
I got online today with a blog post in mind: hardheartedness. Imagine my shock when I saw a draft with that title already started...in October. Apparently, this is a lingering condition.
I am naturally a very tenderhearted person. It makes me weak or emotional in some ways but I've always counted it among my better qualities on the whole. I cry with strangers in airports, I ache for lonely people I pass on the street, I long for everyone to feel loved and known and appreciated and I desire to hear God's voice and walk with Him and sense His leading.
But lately, or perhaps not so lately, I've noticed a certain hardness in me and I don't like it. Oh, I might call it by a different name - I'm just crabby or irritable or tired or overwhelmed - or I might chalk it up to a momentary or situational indifference or apathy, but at the heart (pun intended) there is something deeper...darker...harder.
I'm not sure where its coming from either. Loneliness. Frustration. The day-in-day-out of routine and stress and bills and to-do lists. The neverending cycle of alarms going off and exhausted crawling into bed at night feeling like there's so little to show for the day...for my life. Worldliness. Sin. Disobedience. Maybe it's just sadness. I'm homesick for my family. The holidays are over. Working full-time now so every day for the next 40 years looks scarily similar. Rejection. Hopelessness. The loss of loved ones. So many little things (how can these pants not fit and where did those forehead lines come from and I really spent that much last month) and so many big things (will I spend my whole life alone and will anyone ever really know me and still love me and is anything I do in life really going to matter) that somehow attach to me until I feel like I'm encased in concrete. I feel like I'm stuck out in a dust storm...dirty, gritty, dry, brittle, rough...hard.
It is evident in the many things that frustrate me now, in the kindness I'm unwilling to show, the way I shut people out and avoid doing the things that would require feeling, the way I pick and push and nag to start an argument, the way I make excuses and complain and whine, the way I justify my rudeness and antisocial behavior, the way I read an insult or offense into every encounter, the petty annoyance at the perceived flaws of those around me, the way I shut the world out to lose myelf in a movie or tv show, insensitivity to truth or insights that used to fire me up, a lack of desire for spiritual things, a pessimistic outlook and constant assuming the worst, the list goes on and on...
And today, in this moment, I don't know how to fix it.
I am a self-improvement junkie. I like to see a problem and find a solution. I like a checklist, a plan, a to-do list, softening your heart in 3 easy steps. I like the closing statement and the wrap-up summary. I literally googled "how to cure a hard heart" this morning with pen and paper in hand to get this little issue handled and get on with my day. But the thing is, my heart didn't get hard overnight. I can't expect that an online how-to or wiki-article to soften it in an instant. I don't know what to do. But I know where to begin. Lord, help me.
Perhaps recognizing it and being grieved about it and wanting to change it is a good start. And ultimately, I know it can be changed:
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
Today's Jesus Calling chips away a little more:
Softly I announce My presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your everpresent Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through darkness.
I don't have any clarity or answers yet, and I still feel the weight of a cold, hard heart...but I know that I'm not alone. I know it is not permanent. I know I want to keep chipping...
-C.S. Lewis
I got online today with a blog post in mind: hardheartedness. Imagine my shock when I saw a draft with that title already started...in October. Apparently, this is a lingering condition.
I am naturally a very tenderhearted person. It makes me weak or emotional in some ways but I've always counted it among my better qualities on the whole. I cry with strangers in airports, I ache for lonely people I pass on the street, I long for everyone to feel loved and known and appreciated and I desire to hear God's voice and walk with Him and sense His leading.
But lately, or perhaps not so lately, I've noticed a certain hardness in me and I don't like it. Oh, I might call it by a different name - I'm just crabby or irritable or tired or overwhelmed - or I might chalk it up to a momentary or situational indifference or apathy, but at the heart (pun intended) there is something deeper...darker...harder.
I'm not sure where its coming from either. Loneliness. Frustration. The day-in-day-out of routine and stress and bills and to-do lists. The neverending cycle of alarms going off and exhausted crawling into bed at night feeling like there's so little to show for the day...for my life. Worldliness. Sin. Disobedience. Maybe it's just sadness. I'm homesick for my family. The holidays are over. Working full-time now so every day for the next 40 years looks scarily similar. Rejection. Hopelessness. The loss of loved ones. So many little things (how can these pants not fit and where did those forehead lines come from and I really spent that much last month) and so many big things (will I spend my whole life alone and will anyone ever really know me and still love me and is anything I do in life really going to matter) that somehow attach to me until I feel like I'm encased in concrete. I feel like I'm stuck out in a dust storm...dirty, gritty, dry, brittle, rough...hard.
It is evident in the many things that frustrate me now, in the kindness I'm unwilling to show, the way I shut people out and avoid doing the things that would require feeling, the way I pick and push and nag to start an argument, the way I make excuses and complain and whine, the way I justify my rudeness and antisocial behavior, the way I read an insult or offense into every encounter, the petty annoyance at the perceived flaws of those around me, the way I shut the world out to lose myelf in a movie or tv show, insensitivity to truth or insights that used to fire me up, a lack of desire for spiritual things, a pessimistic outlook and constant assuming the worst, the list goes on and on...
And today, in this moment, I don't know how to fix it.
I am a self-improvement junkie. I like to see a problem and find a solution. I like a checklist, a plan, a to-do list, softening your heart in 3 easy steps. I like the closing statement and the wrap-up summary. I literally googled "how to cure a hard heart" this morning with pen and paper in hand to get this little issue handled and get on with my day. But the thing is, my heart didn't get hard overnight. I can't expect that an online how-to or wiki-article to soften it in an instant. I don't know what to do. But I know where to begin. Lord, help me.
Perhaps recognizing it and being grieved about it and wanting to change it is a good start. And ultimately, I know it can be changed:
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
Today's Jesus Calling chips away a little more:
Softly I announce My presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your everpresent Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through darkness.
I don't have any clarity or answers yet, and I still feel the weight of a cold, hard heart...but I know that I'm not alone. I know it is not permanent. I know I want to keep chipping...
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