on goodwill toward men

sometimes it sneaks up on you and you hear an old Patti Griffin song and you think of  the boy that played you her album in a college dorm room a million moments ago and you run a quick search on facebook and you see a face that has inspired love and hate and movie-scene heart thumping and cry-your-eyes-out heartbreak and you feel only goodwill...happy you knew him and loved him once, relief your paths went in different directions and peace with the time and the distance and the new lives the years have brought each of you

sometimes you're still waiting on it when you hear a name in passing and your heart contracts and knots form instantly in your gut and you think of all the plans and dreams that turned out to be lies and empty promises and you feel a sliver of fear that you're permanently crippled by the mistakes and misjudgments and you don't want the future man in your life to suffer the consequences of the wounds of the past that are slow in healing

but even in the hard and scary and lonely moments you realize how much you want to believe and how far you've come and how no matter how long it seems to be taking or how foolish you feel so often that you still have hope

so you pray for help and direction and wisdom to recognize the real thing and not to settle for anything less and you grab on to the tiniest flicker of peace and you hang on to it and you remember to be thankful that you're already loved enough for a million lifetimes

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."  Psalm 13:5

on counting your blessings

As we gear up for Thanksgiving, a time when we all seem to take a moment of pause, and no matter our differences in beliefs or circumstances, we all share a humble moment of gratitude for the many blessings that fill our lives.  I've noticed on Facebook that a number of people have sought to be thankful each day this month for everything from Dr. Pepper to God's love in a season of brokenheartedness.  I have been thinking about this post for awhile and have been very slack in my blogging but decided now was the perfect time, so no more delaying!

In the spririt of this special season of thankfulness that prepares all our hearts for the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior, I share my count(down) of blessings.

10+ wonderful friends, both past and present, that have loved me, encouraged me, mocked me, laughed with (and at) me and cried when I've cried; we have been through so many adventures (the good, the bad, the ugly...hello law school!) and I have become the woman I am today because of all the incredible people that have sewn into my life and shaped me - it is a miracle to find one true friend...and I have had so many it overwhelms me to think of how incredibly fortunate I am

9 hours of work each day (give or take) to learn from some of the most brilliant people in the field, but more importantly, some of the kindest and most wonderful co-workers a girl could ask for

8 amazing pastors in my life who have loved me and led me to (and back to) Jesus; some with words from a pulpit, some from the internet or books that I will probably never meet, some as friends who allowed me into the lives and homes and families, some from different denominations with different personalities but all pointing in the same direction, both with their ministries and their lives

7 hours of sleep each night (give or take) to rest in a cozy little king-sized bed in a safe little studio apartment in the downtown metro of a wonderful city in a wholesome state in a free and prosperous nation on a life-sustaining planet

6 is the number of times I've been to Hawaii; is any further explanation really needed?

5 certificates I hung on my office wall last night and what they represent - opportunity...for education and experiences that so few have access to...I'm incredibly grateful

4 wonderful grandparents and although I never knew one and another has gone to be with the Lord, they raised my parents so they blessed me before I was even born; the time I have been given with them has been such a gift and I'm so thankful for the Godly heritage I have

3 great dentists...I know that might seem silly but if you'd had as much dental work as I have, including 3 crowns in less than a year, and if you've ever been to a lousy dentist, then you understand and I'm telling you, mine are really, really good...and that's not the laughing gas talking

2 baby geniuses that call me auntie and 2 amazing sisters and 2 incredible parents - they truly are my best friends in the world and words really fail me here...I've said often that if God never did another kind thing for me, the fact that he let me be born into my family is enough kindness for a dozen lifetimes...I am blessed beyond measure

1 God who loved me so much that he sent his only son to die a sinner's death on a cross so that I might have eternal life...and life in abundance on this earth, in this and every season...

Lord, thank you isn't enough but I am so overwhelmingly grateful for your love, your forgiveness, your many, many blessings and your unending, completely unmerited favor...and I want so much to live my life by your grace for your glory because you first loved me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

on struggling

I can't put my finger on it either.  I know you're frustrated and irritated and trying to figure out why and I wish I could help you.

I think what you're realizing is that there is no epiphany to end all epiphanies.  Just because you had a revelation that changed you, changed your heart, changed your perspective...doesn't mean this fallen world has changed.

Every single day brings new challenges...and new opportunities to live by His grace, for His glory.

This doesn't diminish the power of what God has done or change anything He has revealed to you.  His truth never becomes any more or less true based how you might feel in that moment.

I know you want to have that life-altering "ah-ha" moment that makes it easy to trust and have faith and show love and walk in constant grace and favor and never stumble or struggle again...but then you wouldn't need to rely on Him.  He gives you daily bread because that's all you can handle...all you can be trusted with.

The fact that you want a one-time, permanent fix only highlights what is possibly most flawed in you.  Your natural desire is to be made into a perfect, independent being that can control your little realm of the universe.  At the end of they day, you don't naturally desire a relationship based on need and reliance on your Heavenly Father...you want to be made into a god yourself. 

Fortunately, God loves you too much to "fix" you.  It would be a lot less work for Him to just give you all the answers but how amazing that He actually likes spending the time it takes to transform you, revealing new things, strengthening your weaknesses.  As miraculous as it is that the creator of the universe loves you, it might be even more amazing that He also likes you...and He wants to walk through life with you each and every day.

So stop feeling defeated when you have a day that you struggle to love.  Don't question your progress just because you don't react the way you know you should in every encounter.  It's ok to take two steps forward and one step back.  Just keep walking with Him and talking to Him and trusting that He's enough.  It's good to step back and remember that you and all your best efforts are really irrelevant in light of all He already accomplished on the cross. 

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

Maybe instead of classifying each day as "good" or "bad" or giving your efforts a gold star or a frowny face, just keep returning to Him. 

Let Him define you, encourage you, strengthen you, convict you, humble you, carry you, love you.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

 

There will be days when you see progress.  And there will be days when you probably ought to be spanked and sent to your room.  But there will never be a day when He isn't right there with you, loving you and guiding you and making you into the person He created you to be.  And isn't that better than perfection?

on parents

Do you realize how blessed you are? 

To have parents that go out of their way, regularly, to

• Do kind things for you
• Help you
• Encourage you
• Speak blesssings over you
• Show generosity to you
• Express pride in you
• Tell you the truth even when its hard
• Wish good things for you
• Support you
• Tell you they love you...and show you by their actions

...the list goes on and on.  So many people have trouble seeing our Heavenly Father for who He truly is because their perspective is so skewed by their earthly parents.  You are so incredibly fortunate that your parents make it easy to believe in a good God who loves unconditionally and always wants good for you. 

Don't ever forget what a tremendous blessing you've been given.

on the cricket in the room

You saw it in the hallway.  You debated doing something...killing it, moving it, something.  But you decided to walk by it and leave it for someone else to deal with.

Now it has made its way down the hall and into your office.  Its inching closer and closer and ignoring it is no longer an option.

***

It occurs to me that maybe the scary little bug is kind of a metaphor for those little issues you ignore and avoid and allow to fester into big, scary problems that sneak up on you and stalk you and interrupt you at the most inopportune time.

Just a thought...

on being annoyed (aka on being humbled)

Self,

I think we should try and get to the root of what it is about a certain personality type that always annoys you.  What can you learn from what irritates you?  Why does a certain mix of arrogance and condescension cause such a strong reaction in you?  Its strange that it bugs you on both ends of the spectrum: the in-your-face atheist egomaniac is just as frustrating as the obnoxious, false humility of the modern day Pharisee.  It's weird, too, because usually when something bugs you, if you start praying about it, God starts changing the thing you're praying about...or He starts changing you.  So why are you having such a hard time praying for these certain individuals?  I know you tell yourself that it is because they are too arrogant, too radical, too hypocritical, too far gone, incapable of change...but is that the whole truth?  I mean, look at Saul/Paul...he was radical and arrogant and look at how God worked in him, how powerfully God changed him and then used him.  Why does the idea of God changing these individuals bother you?  Why can't you love them the way you know you've been called to?  Do you feel a little bit like Jonah, scared that God might actually have some mercy on these modern-day Ninevites and change them and then you'll have been wrong about them?

The common denominator seems to be pride...and they say what rubs us wrong in others is usually something we don't like in ourselves...hmmmm....

Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.
Matthew 23:12

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  
Phil 2:3

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders.  All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
1 Peter 5:5-6

But he gives us more grace.  That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."
James 4:6

Self, I know our heart.  I know we are grateful for God's mercy.  I know we don't want to have this hard heart toward others.  I know we want to love others with the same love that we've received.  Maybe we've put off praying for long enough...

Lord, I know you love me not because I'm loveable but in spite of myself.  I know you give me grace that I have never deserved and will never deserve as long as I live.  I know you've commanded me to love others.  Forgive me for wanting to pick and choose.  Forgive me for thinking I know someone's heart.  Forgive me for even considering withholding the kind of love and grace you've freely given me.  Change ME, Lord.  Make ME humble.  Teach ME to love like you do.  Don't let me spend another second annoyed or disdainful or apathetic.  Give me a soft heart toward those people I tend to feel most hard-hearted towards.  Show me how to be more like you.  Thank you that by YOUR grace and YOUR love we are all capable of being re-made in YOUR image.  Amen.

Now go spend some time praying for these people specifically, by name.  Who knows what amazing thing God might do in them...or in us.  But don't do it on here because that wouldn't be appropriate. ;)

on perspective

My dear self,

You can talk about perspective all day long, think on it, read up about it, and all those things are good for starters...but eventually you need to change it.  But how, you ask.  It's a two-step process that requires 1) a decision and 2) a power source. 

Step 1 is all you.  The decision is your responsibility.  You have to choose to view the problem, fear, worry, whatever, from another angle.  You stop letting your feelings or your past or your limited understanding shape the way you view the situation and decide (in a very active, deliberate way) to adopt a perspective that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with God and His truth.

Step 2 is where God's grace and power come in.  Once you decide to let Him re-shape your perspective, He can infuse and empower and revolutionize.  He can change things, fix the problem, reveal new information, or He might just give you the peace that comes from putting Him back in control (where we both know He's always been, whether we choose to recognize it or not).

Think about what you read in Jesus Calling this morning:

 

Remember that joy is not dependent on your circumstances...do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me.  Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves.  Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them.  If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.

 

I know there are few things going on right now that you're worried and mad and sad about and you don't understand...and you don't know what to do...but maybe the best thing for you to do is just stop.  Decide that you don't have the whole picture, you aren't the boss of the universe, and all your obsessing is useless...decide that the God of the Universe who loves you and loves all those you love is big enough to handle it - any it - and then be still.  Let Him work and trust Him in the meantime.  Let Him shift your perspective.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17–19

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

Besides, its Friday afternoon...better to relax and dump the whole "solve the world's problems" on somebody that works weekends...we have some serious relaxing to do!

 

on checking your motives

You really need to remember why you started this blog - to help you pay more attention to the things God is teaching you, to take more time to hear Him speak, and to record those little revelations so that you don't lose the lesson and have to keep relearning it over and over.

I remind you of all that because I know what you've been thinking...how you've wanted to use this little forum to preach, not to me (or you, since we are one and the same) but to someone else that you don't have the courage to approach directly.

I just wanted to remind you this is not a weapon you use against others...its a mirror...and its for YOU.

My dear self, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger doesn't produce the righteousness God desires.  Because you know this, you need to get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent, including your self-righteousness and your "at least I'm better than so-and-so" mentality, and humbly accept the word planted in YOU, which can save YOU.  Don't just listen to the Word and deceive yourself - DO WHAT IT SAYS! If you just listen to the Word and don't DO WHAT IT SAYS (i.e. let it change you) then you'll be just like someone who looks in a mirror and then walks away and forgets what she just saw there.  But if you look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continue looking and learning and changing and applying all those things in YOUR LIFE, then you will blessed in whatever you do.  If you think you're religious and you can't even control your own tongue, you're delusional and you would be better off not even dragging Jesus' name into things.  All your talk doesn't matter to God...he cares about your heart - do you look after the orphans and widows?  Do you care about the hurting?  Are you trying to keep pure and doing all you can to avoid getting stained and polluted by this fallen world?  (James 1:19-27, translation mine)

This is just a gentle reminder that we have plenty of work to do, and to allow Jesus to do, in US.  We really don't need to worry about anybody else.

PS We're still friends, right?  You know I only say these things because I love you.

on road rage

What is it about getting behind the wheel of a car that makes you so hateful and arrogant and impatient and angry and borderline homicidal?  I'm just wondering...

on being right

So you're back to this moment...that quesy feeling in the pit of your stomach because you couldn't bear not to correct the flaws in someone else's reasoning/opinion/stance.  I kind of thought after the last debacle you'd be more inclined to keep your pie-hole zipped up.  I get that you're passionate and that you really do think you're right...or at least more right than that other person.  I understand that you work hard at learning and reading and being up on what's going on in the world so that you can form these strong opinions you have.  I think we both know you are willing to listen to other perspectives and adjust your world-view when the situation calls for it.   And I totally agree - the worldview that other guy was advocating was naive at best and downright irresponsible at worst.  I think God made you to be passionate and opinionated and to be a silent, apathetic bystander would not be a good use of the equipping you've been given...and yet...you still have that queasy feeling, don't you?

Remember that verse that's been really stepping on your toes lately? 

Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Or what about that other one that keeps coming up over and over and over?

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  (Phil 2:3)

I know you think you're right and I know you think its an important issue...but maybe this is one of those areas where you should die to self and sacrifice being right.  Maybe you should choose humility.  Maybe you should let someone else have the last word, no matter how erroneous you think that word might be.  Maybe if someone wants your opinion they will ask for it.  Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, this one little issue doesn't matter all that much anyway.  Maybe this is more about you and your heart and your pride than anything else. 

Just something to think about...

PS You might also wanna lay off the banana chips - that might help with the whole quesy stomach thing...

on finding a church home

Dear self,

You have been living in Oklahoma City for 3 years and 2 months and since arriving here, you've claimed to have been looking for a church to call home.  You've visited churches based on location, recommendation, service time and because you just happened to be driving by as people flooded into a building.  Until today, nothing felt completely like home.  Some had great worship and preaching but very unwelcoming people.  Some had great people but terribly dry worship and preaching.  Some started too early or seemed like too far to drive.  Some were great in every way but you were the bad fit, with insufficient facial piercings and tattoos or in the wrong age group or economic class.  

A few times you've tried to just "plug in" and make it work.  Join a group, volunteer to serve, answer the alter call...because you understand after having worked at a church that finding a church to call home requires some effort on your part, a willingness to go outside your comfort zone and make an effort to get to know people.  But it never worked and eventually, you would begin searching again.

Today you went to two services.  Two different churches on opposite sides of town recommended by two different friends.  These two churches could not have been more different.  In the first, you felt shamefully underdressed in your jeans and leopard print wedges, but in the second, you felt a little too dolled up.  One group sang hymns which you never mind because they remind you of the church you grew up in.  The other felt more like a rock concert which you loved because nobody loves great worship music more than you do.  One made you almost angry and the other made you weep with joy and peace and gratefulness.  And as you were driving home, suddenly, to borrow a phrase from the bible (and Springsteen), you were blinded by the light.  And you knew you'd found a church home.

You finally remembered what Pete used to say: when you want to do God's will but don't know where to begin, just look to see where God is moving and then go there and join Him.  

I know you've been spoiled because you've had the chance to be a part of some amazing churches where you got to know some incredible pastors and their families.  The idea of joining a church where you'll probably never meet the pastor, where he will probably never know your name, where you'll never tell him your struggles or ask for his prayers...well...it seems weird somehow.  And yet, when you think of other pastors whose messages have impacted you powerfully, they are part of churches that, if you attended, would be the same way - you'd never get to have coffee with Andy Stanley and his family or ask Joel Osteen for prayer or hang out with Steven Furtick and his wife or babysit for Joseph Prince.  Even if you still attended the church most dear to your heart, you probably wouldn't have the same access to Pete and Brandi Wilson like you did back when it was a start-up church meeting in the school.  And yet, you have the chance to be a part of a church here in Oklahoma City that is making a powerful impact just like all those others.

So self, you know what to do.  Now do it.  Pick a location, find a life group, start volunteering and commit to your new local church home because it truly is the hope of the world.

PS  I am pretty sure the words to that song in your head are NOT "wrap it up like a deuce and then a'roll it tight" - I'm just saying...