"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." C.S. Lewis
Over the past few weeks and months, I've been slowly letting go of lots of things and I'm realizing that letting go can be a bit of a process.
Sometimes letting to is hard and painful and feels a little like a twelve-step program. For example, in a recent situation...first, I had to let go of the fairytale I had in my head. Then I had to surrender the hope that somehow it would all work out. Then I had to give up my right to be the mistreated victim and lay down my bitterness...then my anger...then my hurt. I had to let go of all my expectations and beliefs. I had to give up the illusion of control. I had to sacrifice relationships that kept me invested the situation. A few times I've gone back and picked things back up...only to have to let them go again...and again. At times, the losses have felt unending. There's been no real goodbye. There are so many things I don't understand. There's nothing left to hold on to - not even friendship - no matter how much I wish there was. Letting go is my only choice.
Sometimes letting go is easy. Over the summer, I finally sold a house I have not lived in since 2009. I had to get information together, pay for inspections, do paperwork but I was glad to do whatever it took because I was excited to be free of the property. I didn't feel any nostalgia or regret - it hadn't been my "home" for a long time. Letting it go felt like laying down a heavy weight.
Often letting go is more complicated. Friday was my last day at a job that has been good and bad and challenging and exciting and excruciating. In the beginning, I loved it - I worked long hours and felt excited about everything I was learning. I had high hope for all the experience I would gain - but that didn't happen. Circumstances changed and the environment got worse and worse until I got to the point where I couldn't stay. I was miserable. Now I have an exciting new job that I'm incredibly blessed to have and I couldn't be any more excited. I counted down the days I had left at work but when the time came to take my things off the wall and turn in my keys, I felt a great deal of regret about the way I was leaving things and the attitude I've had the past several months. I'm going to miss getting to work with a really good friend. I wish I had done so many things differently. Letting go is easy but leaving is hard.
"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you." Proverbs 4:25
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19
No matter what the circumstances are, you can't move through life and make progress without learning to let go, whether its of the things that are removed against your will or the things you willingly walk away from.
I'm realizing more and more, I have to be willing to let go of things to be able to receive the things God wants for me. I have to be willing to leave behind the past to move forward into the future. I can't be looking back and see what God has set before me.
Learning to live open-handed is hard. But fortunately, God sets the example by being open-handed toward me...and I'm so grateful that He does.
"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." Psalm 145:16
So, as I move into an exciting new season, I'm full of hope and optimism and peace because God always exceeds my expectations. Always. By letting go and opening my hands, instead of clinging desperately to what I will never be able to keep, I am opening myself up to what He wants to put into my life. And if the last several months - and basically my whole adult life - have taught me anything, it is that He is good. His plans are better than mine. His timing is perfect. He gives good gifts.
Most of all, with an open hand, I'm free to hold on to Him.
"Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind."
Eccl. 4:6
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
on losing the battle of wills
God is sovereign.
God is good and kind and loving and a lot of wonderful things that make me feel warm and fuzzy. But at the end of the day, He's also the boss. He's the Alpha and the Omega and the creator of the universe, so it makes sense that it would be His way or the highway. I understand that there is free will but I still believe everything that happens is somehow filtered through the omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God.
[Obviously there are things I don't understand - I even wrote about it recently in the post too much - and minds far more advanced than mine haven't been able to fully reconcile the mystery of the relationship between God's sovereignty and free will but that is way beyond the point I'm making here.]
Even knowing that God is sovereign and His plans always prevail, sometimes, I still try to get God to do things my way. I've used pretty much every tactic. Reasonable compromise. "Come on, God. I know You created the universe, nice job by the way, but why don't we try things my way just this once?" Hysterical begging and pleading. "Please, God. PUH-LEEEEEASE!!! For the love of...well, you...please just let me have my way!!!!!" Rationalizing flattery. "If you would work this out like so, think of how you'd be glorified...I would give you all the praise and so many people would see how good you are." Bargaining. "God, if you will just do this one thing, I promise I will xyz or I won't xyz anymore."
My success rate is pretty low, something like 0% or so. Plus, fighting with God usually makes me miserable. When I try to bend God to my will, I always end up frustrated and disappointed and questioning what is true in life. When I bend my will to His, I always end up in peace even if what He's asked me to do is difficult.
***
The thing I've been thinking about lately is why I try manipulate God instead of trusting Him. I know He has more information that I do. I know He's smarter than I am. I know His intentions toward me are good. I know He's always right and His plans are always better than mine. Why would I want something He doesn't want to give me? Why would I cling to something He wants to remove? Why would I rush ahead of His perfect timing? (Well, I know the answer to that one...His timeline always seems to be sooooooo....much.....slower.....than...mine.)
I think, at least for me, it all comes back to a lack of faith. I love God. I trust Him. I believe He's good and that His intentions toward me are kind. I believe He can do all things and nothing is impossible for Him. I believe He answers prayers and does miracles and heals and restores. But I'm also a little like the father in Mark 9. I do believe! But God, please help my unbelief.
"When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. "What are you arguing with them about?" he asked. A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." "You unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes." Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He’s dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn’t we drive it out?" He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
Mark 9:14-29
If I really trusted God, I would trust Him to know what I need...and to give it to me. Of course I would still pray, but it would be out of my joyful confidence in Him...instead of trying to get something, it would be more like talking to a beloved friend about what is going on in my life and then leaving it all in His hands to sort out as He sees fit, in His way and His time.
Instead, I often approach God like a beggar - "please oh please oh please "- as if He were a stingy tyrant who would otherwise withhold goodness from me.
Sometimes, I come to Him more like a hostage negotiator - "let's all keep calm here and everyone can get what they want and walk away unharmed" - as if I have anything to leverage against Him.
Most often, I approach Him like a spoiled teenager - "I know you have what I want and you're able to do/give xyz but I'm not sure you're going to...but if you loved me you would do/give xyz because you would want me to be happy" - as if He owes me anything at all...or as if I really know what would make me happy anyway.
He has had to teach me over and over (and over and over, unfortunately) that anything He withholds is withheld because it would not be good for me at this moment or in this way or because He has a better idea. Any delay from my timeline is for my benefit because I'm not ready or He is still working out other circumstances. Anything He removes from my life, no matter how painful, is something that I'm not ready for or something that I've rushed ahead to grab or something that's in the way of something better He's planned for me. Whatever His reasons, He always knows best.
Yes, I have suffered the consequences of other people's free will from time to time just as other people have suffered the consequences of mine. But even in those situations, without exception, God used it for my good. Otherwise, He would never have allowed it. Sometimes, I haven't understood until much later, there are a few things I don't understand yet, and some I may never understand in this lifetime. My understanding (or lack thereof) doesn't change the facts: He is sovereign, everything that happens to me passes through His filter, and He promises to use all things for good.
***
So what is the point of all this rambling? Good question. I guess I just needed to remind myself for the millionth time that God is good. God sees. God knows. God hears. And God is sovereign.
So I can stop begging and pleading and worrying and wondering about how to pray or what to want or how He's going to turn ashes into beauty. God loves all the people I love - more than I do - and He's working things for good for them too so He doesn't need my input. It is a waste of time and energy to be afraid of praying for the wrong thing or missing His will.
And for the millionth time (at least) I can hear Him whispering, "Rest in Me. Trust Me. Believe I know what's best and I won't withhold any good thing from you. Wait on Me. Wait with Me. Lay it all down, let it go and have a little faith, but for the love of Me, REST!" (Ok, that last part was editorializing...but you get the point.)
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matthew 6:5-8
God is good and kind and loving and a lot of wonderful things that make me feel warm and fuzzy. But at the end of the day, He's also the boss. He's the Alpha and the Omega and the creator of the universe, so it makes sense that it would be His way or the highway. I understand that there is free will but I still believe everything that happens is somehow filtered through the omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God.
[Obviously there are things I don't understand - I even wrote about it recently in the post too much - and minds far more advanced than mine haven't been able to fully reconcile the mystery of the relationship between God's sovereignty and free will but that is way beyond the point I'm making here.]
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
Even knowing that God is sovereign and His plans always prevail, sometimes, I still try to get God to do things my way. I've used pretty much every tactic. Reasonable compromise. "Come on, God. I know You created the universe, nice job by the way, but why don't we try things my way just this once?" Hysterical begging and pleading. "Please, God. PUH-LEEEEEASE!!! For the love of...well, you...please just let me have my way!!!!!" Rationalizing flattery. "If you would work this out like so, think of how you'd be glorified...I would give you all the praise and so many people would see how good you are." Bargaining. "God, if you will just do this one thing, I promise I will xyz or I won't xyz anymore."
My success rate is pretty low, something like 0% or so. Plus, fighting with God usually makes me miserable. When I try to bend God to my will, I always end up frustrated and disappointed and questioning what is true in life. When I bend my will to His, I always end up in peace even if what He's asked me to do is difficult.
***
The thing I've been thinking about lately is why I try manipulate God instead of trusting Him. I know He has more information that I do. I know He's smarter than I am. I know His intentions toward me are good. I know He's always right and His plans are always better than mine. Why would I want something He doesn't want to give me? Why would I cling to something He wants to remove? Why would I rush ahead of His perfect timing? (Well, I know the answer to that one...His timeline always seems to be sooooooo....much.....slower.....than...mine.)
I think, at least for me, it all comes back to a lack of faith. I love God. I trust Him. I believe He's good and that His intentions toward me are kind. I believe He can do all things and nothing is impossible for Him. I believe He answers prayers and does miracles and heals and restores. But I'm also a little like the father in Mark 9. I do believe! But God, please help my unbelief.
"When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. "What are you arguing with them about?" he asked. A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." "You unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes." Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He’s dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn’t we drive it out?" He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."
Mark 9:14-29
If I really trusted God, I would trust Him to know what I need...and to give it to me. Of course I would still pray, but it would be out of my joyful confidence in Him...instead of trying to get something, it would be more like talking to a beloved friend about what is going on in my life and then leaving it all in His hands to sort out as He sees fit, in His way and His time.
Instead, I often approach God like a beggar - "please oh please oh please "- as if He were a stingy tyrant who would otherwise withhold goodness from me.
Sometimes, I come to Him more like a hostage negotiator - "let's all keep calm here and everyone can get what they want and walk away unharmed" - as if I have anything to leverage against Him.
Most often, I approach Him like a spoiled teenager - "I know you have what I want and you're able to do/give xyz but I'm not sure you're going to...but if you loved me you would do/give xyz because you would want me to be happy" - as if He owes me anything at all...or as if I really know what would make me happy anyway.
He has had to teach me over and over (and over and over, unfortunately) that anything He withholds is withheld because it would not be good for me at this moment or in this way or because He has a better idea. Any delay from my timeline is for my benefit because I'm not ready or He is still working out other circumstances. Anything He removes from my life, no matter how painful, is something that I'm not ready for or something that I've rushed ahead to grab or something that's in the way of something better He's planned for me. Whatever His reasons, He always knows best.
Yes, I have suffered the consequences of other people's free will from time to time just as other people have suffered the consequences of mine. But even in those situations, without exception, God used it for my good. Otherwise, He would never have allowed it. Sometimes, I haven't understood until much later, there are a few things I don't understand yet, and some I may never understand in this lifetime. My understanding (or lack thereof) doesn't change the facts: He is sovereign, everything that happens to me passes through His filter, and He promises to use all things for good.
***
So what is the point of all this rambling? Good question. I guess I just needed to remind myself for the millionth time that God is good. God sees. God knows. God hears. And God is sovereign.
So I can stop begging and pleading and worrying and wondering about how to pray or what to want or how He's going to turn ashes into beauty. God loves all the people I love - more than I do - and He's working things for good for them too so He doesn't need my input. It is a waste of time and energy to be afraid of praying for the wrong thing or missing His will.
And for the millionth time (at least) I can hear Him whispering, "Rest in Me. Trust Me. Believe I know what's best and I won't withhold any good thing from you. Wait on Me. Wait with Me. Lay it all down, let it go and have a little faith, but for the love of Me, REST!" (Ok, that last part was editorializing...but you get the point.)
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matthew 6:5-8
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