on fear and worry and the rage-inducing insanity of 2020

Confession time.  

Despite my faith - that God is good (ALL THE TIME) and that He is sovereign and in total control (even when circumstances seem out of control) - I have really been struggling the past few months...struggling with fear and helplessness and worry and anger. Actually, anger is too tame of a word. I have been full of rage. Like drive my car into another car, punch someone in the face rage. (It's not good.)

I started out scared. In the beginning, when we didn't know much about COVID, I was afraid. I was worried. But as time went on, and it became clear that we were lied to and made to feel afraid for a very specific agenda, I began to feel angry. Angry about lost freedoms, about people judging anyone who dared ask questions, about the complete misinformation from the media, about the attack on the economy, about the out and out lies from leadership. Two weeks of staying home turned in to two months turned into nearly half the year (with no end in sight!) Our state is one of the most locked-down in the country, despite these facts: we are the 5th largest state with one of the lowest populations per capita, we've had low COVID numbers and the cases we have had were primarily isolated to one small pocket of the state. But did our leaders focus restrictions to those areas? Nope, we were all locked down. Did we open up when deaths and hospitalizations declined? Nope. Angry. Frustrated. Helpless. Then came protests and looting and rioting. And I felt afraid again. Confused. Then came the attacks on police officers. Worried. Angry. Heartsick. More power plays from our politicians, more misrepresentation of numbers to support lockdown because it fits one party's agenda. (I'm no math genius but when you increase testing numbers from 40,000-50,000 to nearly 400,000 in a state where it is a KNOWN FACT based on antibody testing that there is some herd immunity, then OF COURSE you can show evidence of a spike in cases - even if hospitalizations and deaths do not track with those increases.). Angry. Helpless. Afraid of our quick slide in the direction of socialism. Learning how many people actually think they want socialism. Even more afraid. More enraged. So so so angry. Angry at the voters who elected our leadership. Angry at the people thanking our leaders for keeping them safe. Angry at the uninformed masses that cannot comprehend the unavoidable and inherent evil and danger in socialism.

But what of my faith? I have trusted God with the very life of my dearest love and watched Him do miracles - over and over, big and small. We celebrated the anniversary of one of those big miracles yesterday. Why isn't my faith bigger? Why can't I trust Him with all this?

I know I'm not alone. My counselor told me that many are struggling with the same things right now. [Yes, I sometimes see an amazing counselor. Yes, I have phone counseling now because of the whole pandemic mess. Yes, I recommend it for everyone. Find someone that shares your beliefs. It can be life-saving.]

My counselor talked about how, as a world, we are going through a major life disruption. It's frustrating and scary. Disruptions to structure and routine lead to anxiety. There's no end in sight, no timeline, no guarantee we will ever return to "normal." She listened to me whine and rage and then she gave me some really great advice. I'm sharing it as a personal reminder (note to self) and in hopes that it might help some of you as well.

1. Don't undermine your feelings. Validate yourself and what you are going through. There are no "bad" emotions. We just get to decide what to do with them. We don't have to beat ourselves up for feeling fear or even anger, but we have to choose how we respond to our feelings - whether we deal with them productively or let them sweep us up and lead us into bad actions, i.e. punching someone or posting angry things on Facebook. It is ok to give yourself permission to not be ok right now. You can be grateful and still feel scared, frustrated, sad, angry. You can trust God and still feel loss, confusion, uncertainty. You don't have to deny reality - life as we know it has been altered in a way most of us are very uncomfortable with. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel.

2. Identify small steps you can take. The world is out of control. (It always has been but it is way more evident to me right now on a very personal level.) Control issues always lead to anxiety (thanks Beth Moore for that timely reminder!). Recognize that this is nobody's preferred way of living. Ask yourself: What can I do that is next best? How can I cope with what is right now? How can I move forward in my small way? Even though I may feel powerless when I look at the big picture, I'm not. I have some control in my small universe - what is that? What are ways I can contribute? Serve? Support? Recognize people?  

One small example: The service industry in our state has taken a beating because our lockdown has been so strict and has lasted so long. So when Kenny and I eat out or do takeout, we try to tip outrageously. We both worked in the service industry and were good tippers to start with but we are trying to go above and beyond right now. I don't say this to be self-congratulating. In light of what people are dealing with, this is super small. But it is something we can do and it makes me feel less powerless given my inability to change the lockdown or the economy here.  

Another thing I've started trying to do is reaching out to people I know and care about and trying to encourage them. Again, it's super small. Sometimes it's a Facebook comment, sometimes it's a note in the mail, sometimes it's a phone call. But it makes me feel like I'm putting goodness out instead of fear, or worry, or rage. (I won't lie, I still put out way too much of that stuff, but I'm trying to add in some good stuff too. I'm a work in progress, people!)

3. Return your focus to your faith. God is not surprised by any of this. He loves us. He knows we're made of dust and we get scared. We worry. We get mad. We don't understand and we fail so often to do what He asked us to do: to LOVE each other. He's not diminished or weakened by my fear or anger. My testimony might be if I'm not constantly returning to Him...but His grace and goodness have never been measured by my ability to showcase them. I WANT to look like love. I WANT to give grace. I WANT to possess peace that passes understanding - and I can!!! He promised that to us - He makes it available!!! And He knows that, despite my failings, I want all that, because He knows my heart. He's endlessly patient with me. Some days I have to return my focus to Him (what feels like) a hundred times. He's always there. He always meets me where I am. He loves me endlessly. He loves you too. More than I can possibly explain. He is our ultimate COUNSELOR and He gives wisdom that saves and heals and transforms. All we have to do is ask. In my case, it usually just means stopping - stop raging or worrying or fearing or ranting...and listen to His voice. Cry out to Him before I cry out (or scream) to others. He is always there. ALWAYS.

This might all just be an exercise for me to calm my heart. I needed a balm to soothe my rage tonight. God always does that. He is always kind to me - humbling me and reminding me that this world is not my home, that He sets up kings and deposes them, that He didn't leave me in charge so I don't need to try and solve the world's problems. (Weird how I always forget that!)

If there is any part of this that encourages you, that's God's grace. Hold on to it. Rest in Him for a minute and let everything else fall away.  

My counselor (the human one) reminded me that this was not the design. We are created for community, for relationship, for closeness. While we can't always have that physically with those we love right now, we can alway have that with our Heavenly Father. And He can - and will - meet all our needs.

I just needed to remind myself.

I love you all and pray for peace.