on resting

I'm sad to report that I've been (self-)diagnosed with a terrible condition. 

I'm a striver. 

I know, its terrible news.  I really thought I was enlightened, living under grace, and fully aware of my complete and utter inability to do any good thing on my own.  I mean, I knew I was an obsessive planner and list-maker, but that's just because I've got the spiritual gift of organization.  That's not a gift of the spirit?  Hmm...

Recently God did something incredibly kind for me.  And by recently, I mean like yesterday.  And by kind, I mean He sort of broke my heart.

Let me back up.  I love God.  I want to love Him better, serve Him sacrificially, lay down my life in obedience to His plans and do it all for His glory.  But I have another condition.  Yes, I'm a total mess. In addition to being a striver, I'm selfish.  I want what I want, when I want it.  I want to be able to do x, y, z and get the outcome I think I deserve.  I had a pastor once that used a coke machine as a message illustration about how we treat God.  We put in our faith, prayers, etc. and push a button expecting God to spit out blessings.  And when it doesn't work, we get angry with Him.

So, for all my desires to love God and surrender my will to His, I've also been praying He would do something specific for me.  Something good.  Something that should be pretty easy for the Creator of the universe.  And because I'm a selfish striver, I thought I've been "good" and "faithful" and I've sought the Lord so I deserve this thing I'm asking for. 

And I've prayed.  And prayed.  And prayed.

For a long...long...long...long time.

Then, out of nowhere, it seemed like my prayers were answered.  All my dreams had come true.  Finally God was proven faithful.  Wait, what?  Did I just say that?

Because God was proven faithful when He created me out of dust.  And when He gave me life.  And when He loved me long before I comprehended it and long before I'd ever return that love...and long before I deserved to be loved (because let's face it, that's never going to happen).  God was proven faithful when He put on human flesh, was born a helpless baby, lived a sinless life in this uncomfortable and hateful world, endured rejection and humilitation from His very own creation then died a horrific painful death, taking on my shame and my sin.  He was proven faithful when, with His dying breath, He pleaded for my forgiveness.  He has been proven faithful in a million big and small ways that I often fail - or worse, refuse - to see.

I still believe that this gift was from God.  I still believe He works everything out for good.  But I also think He could see that I wasn't ready for the gift.  Because I had waited so long and wished so hard, I rushed right ahead of the gift-Giver.  I starting looking to the gift to make me feel safe and loved and whole.

But the gift couldn't satisfy my soul - only God can.  The gift didn't have the ability to make me feel whole and wholly loved - only God does.  And as long as I'm looking to a blessing from God to meet all the needs only God can meet, I am going to suck the life out of that blessing and turn it into a curse. 

So God, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, took the gift back.  And I cried and wailed and demanded an explanation.  And He gave me one.

Because I love you.

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strenth, but you would have none of it'...Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him."  Isaiah 30:15, 18.

So striving isn't the answer?  Getting what I want isn't the answer?  Waiting on the Lord is the answer?

That's why even in the midst of my great disappointment, I have incredible peace.  Because God truly can...and will...and does...satisfy my soul.  Entirely.  Solely.

He is the gift.

Always has been and always will be.

I hope someday soon He gives the gift back.  After He's prepared me to appreciate it without making it an idol.  But either way, I'm grateful for this lesson...and for rest and strength...and peace that passes understanding...for the end of my striving and for the cure for my selfishness.  I'm thankful for the gift that only God can be.