on seeing the answer

Over the past several days, I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions. 

In one moment I'm full of peace, confident in God's goodness and perfect plans for me, thinking "I love you, Lord.  Thank you that you work everything for my goodness and your glory!"  (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that cheesy.)

Then, in the next moment, I'm sobbing and screaming and asking "WHY WHY WHY are you so MEAN to me, God???"  (Yes, I really do have moments where I am absolutely that crazy.)

(I know what you're thinking...and you're right.  I'm a total mess.  He still loves me, though.  And He's awfully patient with me.) 

I don't like feeling this way.  I want to have unshakeable faith and unwavering confidence.  I don't want to have another single pity party again all the days of my life.  I want to walk through this world with such peace and grace and trust in Him that others point and whisper in awe and wonder.  (Okay, maybe not that last part...)

I want to have the kind of faith that inspires people and draws them to my Father.  I've seen it in others and its awesome!  I don't want to be the kind of nut-job, basket case that causes people to think, "Well if THAT'S what walking with God looks like, I think I'll take my chances on my own!"  More than anything in the world, I want to bring God glory and I know when I'm a sniveling, self-absorbed little cry-baby I'm doing the very opposite.

So I keep returning to Him.  I keep reading His word.  I keep treasuring the prayers of those around me that love me and want good for me.  I keep asking for peace and help and wisdom and comfort.  (And if I do these things between fits of rage and pity parties, well, its just because I'm a work in progress.)

Lately, I've also been asking for a sign.  Not a "do this or I won't believe anymore" sign but more of a "send a little life-float of encouragement" sign.  Anything.  Just a little, teeny, tiny hint that He sees my hurt and He's working on the solution.

Except deep down...

I really just want Him to do what I want.  Resolve my situation.  Restore my joy. Answer my prayers already.  Give me my happily ever after and do. it. right. now.

So when He showed scriptures each day to encourage my heart, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

And when an email came that spoke truth over my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

Then a link to a website where the blogger reminded me exactly what I needed to be reminded of, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

When loved ones called and emailed and texted and said they were praying for me and they have great hope and peace for my situation, I appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

Even when my sweet mom, the non-crier, cried with me and said every single word of encouragement I needed to hear, I really, truly appreciated it...for a moment...then went back to asking for my sign.

And suddenly, this afternoon it hit me.  (Yes, I really am that slow.)

I'm reminded of the joke where the town floods and the man is on the roof praying for God to rescue him.  And a boat comes by and he doesn't get in because he's praying for God to rescue him.  Then the helicopter comes and he doesn't grab the ladder, just keeps praying for God's rescue.  And when he drowns and gets to heaven and asks why God didn't rescue him, God says, "Well, I sent a boat and a helicoptor???"

Thank you, Lord, for a million big and small signs and encouragements.  Thank you for your patience with my asking.  Because, really, you don't owe me any sign beyond the love you showed me on the cross...and yet, you continually pour out love and sweetness and comfort and peace.  Forgive my self-absorbed, fearful, untrusting heart.  Forgive my small faith.  Thank you for your Word, for surrounding me with loving friends and family and thank you for your endless patience with me.  Thank you that you're good, that you're sovereign and that, if waited on, you always satisfy the desires of my heart. 

Now, if only I could just get that one clear sign...just kidding.  (Mostly.)