on struggling

I can't put my finger on it either.  I know you're frustrated and irritated and trying to figure out why and I wish I could help you.

I think what you're realizing is that there is no epiphany to end all epiphanies.  Just because you had a revelation that changed you, changed your heart, changed your perspective...doesn't mean this fallen world has changed.

Every single day brings new challenges...and new opportunities to live by His grace, for His glory.

This doesn't diminish the power of what God has done or change anything He has revealed to you.  His truth never becomes any more or less true based how you might feel in that moment.

I know you want to have that life-altering "ah-ha" moment that makes it easy to trust and have faith and show love and walk in constant grace and favor and never stumble or struggle again...but then you wouldn't need to rely on Him.  He gives you daily bread because that's all you can handle...all you can be trusted with.

The fact that you want a one-time, permanent fix only highlights what is possibly most flawed in you.  Your natural desire is to be made into a perfect, independent being that can control your little realm of the universe.  At the end of they day, you don't naturally desire a relationship based on need and reliance on your Heavenly Father...you want to be made into a god yourself. 

Fortunately, God loves you too much to "fix" you.  It would be a lot less work for Him to just give you all the answers but how amazing that He actually likes spending the time it takes to transform you, revealing new things, strengthening your weaknesses.  As miraculous as it is that the creator of the universe loves you, it might be even more amazing that He also likes you...and He wants to walk through life with you each and every day.

So stop feeling defeated when you have a day that you struggle to love.  Don't question your progress just because you don't react the way you know you should in every encounter.  It's ok to take two steps forward and one step back.  Just keep walking with Him and talking to Him and trusting that He's enough.  It's good to step back and remember that you and all your best efforts are really irrelevant in light of all He already accomplished on the cross. 

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

Maybe instead of classifying each day as "good" or "bad" or giving your efforts a gold star or a frowny face, just keep returning to Him. 

Let Him define you, encourage you, strengthen you, convict you, humble you, carry you, love you.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

 

There will be days when you see progress.  And there will be days when you probably ought to be spanked and sent to your room.  But there will never be a day when He isn't right there with you, loving you and guiding you and making you into the person He created you to be.  And isn't that better than perfection?