on feeling stupid

Lately I have felt like God is asking too much



to love when I'm not loved back

and wait while nothing changes

and hope when things seem hopeless

and believe when there is no reason to

and give when I haven't received




and I feel stupid

embarrassed

afraid

lonely

weak

helpless

foolish

rejected



I've been asking for a sign

or a change in my circumstances

or permission to give up and move on



for any indication things are changing or I am changing or there is hope for change



nothing



except the same scriptures that keep popping up over and over in all different places and ways


"In quietness and confidence shall be your strength."  Isaiah 30:15


"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."  Psalm 37:3-7


"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."  1 Corinthians 13:4-7



Over and over...



Wait and be quiet.

Trust and obey.

Love without expectation.

Be patient.

Have faith.

Love when its undeserved.

Be still.

Wait.

Trust me.

Love.

Be quiet.

Obey.



And sometimes I still feel stupid

embarrassed

afraid

lonely

weak

helpless

foolish

rejected




But sometimes I feel hopeful

courageous

free


Sometimes I feel peace

expectation

joy



and sometimes I don't feel anything


so since my feelings can't be trusted anyway I am trying to focus on what I know to be true



He loves me

He is sovereign

He is good

He is with me

He is worthy



and perhaps that is enough