on letting go

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."  C.S. Lewis

Over the past few weeks and months, I've been slowly letting go of lots of things and I'm realizing that letting go can be a bit of a process. 

Sometimes letting to is hard and painful and feels a little like a twelve-step program.  For example, in a recent situation...first, I had to let go of the fairytale I had in my head.  Then I had to surrender the hope that somehow it would all work out.  Then I had to give up my right to be the mistreated victim and lay down my bitterness...then my anger...then my hurt.  I had to let go of all my expectations and beliefs.  I had to give up the illusion of control.  I had to sacrifice relationships that kept me invested the situation.  A few times I've gone back and picked things back up...only to have to let them go again...and again.  At times, the losses have felt unending.  There's been no real goodbye.  There are so many things I don't understand.  There's nothing left to hold on to - not even friendship - no matter how much I wish there was.  Letting go is my only choice. 

Sometimes letting go is easy.  Over the summer, I finally sold a house I have not lived in since 2009.  I had to get information together, pay for inspections, do paperwork but I was glad to do whatever it took because I was excited to be free of the property.  I didn't feel any nostalgia or regret - it hadn't been my "home" for a long time.  Letting it go felt like laying down a heavy weight.

Often letting go is more complicated.  Friday was my last day at a job that has been good and bad and challenging and exciting and excruciating.  In the beginning, I loved it - I worked long hours and felt excited about everything I was learning.  I had high hope for all the experience I would gain - but that didn't happen.  Circumstances changed and the environment got worse and worse until I got to the point where I couldn't stay.  I was miserable.  Now I have an exciting new job that I'm incredibly blessed to have and I couldn't be any more excited.  I counted down the days I had left at work but when the time came to take my things off the wall and turn in my keys, I felt a great deal of regret about the way I was leaving things and the attitude I've had the past several months.  I'm going to miss getting to work with a really good friend.  I wish I had done so many things differently.  Letting go is easy but leaving is hard.

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you."  Proverbs 4:25

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:18-19

No matter what the circumstances are, you can't move through life and make progress without learning to let go, whether its of the things that are removed against your will or the things you willingly walk away from.

I'm realizing more and more, I have to be willing to let go of things to be able to receive the things God wants for me.  I have to be willing to leave behind the past to move forward into the future.  I can't be looking back and see what God has set before me. 

Learning to live open-handed is hard.  But fortunately, God sets the example by being open-handed toward me...and I'm so grateful that He does. 

"You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."  Psalm 145:16

So, as I move into an exciting new season, I'm full of hope and optimism and peace because God always exceeds my expectations.  Always.  By letting go and opening my hands, instead of clinging desperately to what I will never be able to keep, I am opening myself up to what He wants to put into my life.  And if the last several months - and basically my whole adult life - have taught me anything, it is that He is good.  His plans are better than mine.  His timing is perfect.  He gives good gifts.

Most of all, with an open hand, I'm free to hold on to Him.

"Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind."  
Eccl. 4:6