March 1 marked three years since I moved to here and basically
started my life over again...again. [If you know me, you know that I
tend to do that (start my life over) on a fairly regular basis.] It has
been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I love being close to
my family, I love living in the shadow of the gorgeous Organ Mountains,
I love the 300+ days of sunshine and I love the abundance of chips and
salsa.
There have been some changes over the past three
years...I made new friends, added a dog to my family, started a new
job, left that job and started another new job, sold a house, built a
house, welcomed a nephew, lost loved ones, grew my hair, cut my hair,
dyed my hair...like 10 times. Still, in some ways, I feel like I
haven't made as much progress as I would have liked. I get frustrated
because I'm not moving forward (whatever that means) as fast as I should.
I should be more disciplined by now. I should be out of debt by now. I should be over it by now. I should be at my goal weight by now. I should be ready to settle down and start a family. I should have a church home or a small group or some accountability. I should stay in better touch. I should keep a cleaner house. I should teach my dog to stop barking. I should stick to my budget. I should eat more veggies and stop giving so much money to those girl scouts.
I should should should...
I
get up on time one day and oversleep the other 6. (Yes, you can
oversleep on the weekend...it happens when you set your alarm for
something ridiculous like 10 am and still hit snooze and sleep until
noon.)
I run regularly for 6 months then take 2 months off.
I look put together on Monday and like I got hit by a train by Friday.
I read my bible and listen to church podcasts in the morning then spend all evening watching crap tv.
I bring my lunch to work all week then blow all the money I saved on Amazon Prime. (But seriously, I really needed
that firepit and firepit cover and marshmallow roasting sticks and food
scale and barking collar and approximately 15 books on various topics.)
I
have friends that are creating nonprofits and bodybuilding and running
successful businesses while raising kids and having their own ministry
and writing books and running ultra marathons and I'm trying to finish
watching all the episodes of Dawson's Creek and eating frozen burritos
for dinner. For me, an aspirational goal is doing a load of laundry
from start to finish (i.e. getting it all the way to the closet in a
single day, not a day to wash three days in the dryer and two weeks in a
pile on top of the dryer).
***
March 1 also marked the beginning of Lent, Ash Wednesday. The solemn
season leading up to Easter Sunday, when we celebrate the resurrection
of Christ, the hope of the world. A season of fasting and reflection -
making sacrifices to focus our hearts on the One who sacrificed
everything to save us.
In
deciding how I wanted to fix my eyes on Jesus this season, I found
myself going back through all my "shoulds" and trying to pick one. [Ultimately, I did feel
very convicted to give up watching t.v. and Netflix and Amazon Prime
etc. so the Dawson's Creak marathon has been postponed indefinitely.]
But
recently in the quiet moments, when I have tried to get really still
and listen for the Holy Spirit's prompting, I keep sensing something
bigger and more profound that I'm still trying to fully understand.
Something to do with how little it matters that I struggle so much with I should because I'm loved by I AM.
Jesus said in John 14:6: "I AM the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." God told Moses in Exodus 3:14: "I AM WHO I AM."
He is I AM. And He loves me.
And because of that, I think He wants me to take a break from my shoulds.
***
That's
not to say I don't need to make changes. I am always going to have
improvements to make so that I can be and have and do all I am called to
be and have and do. I'm certainly not throwing away my life-long
addiction to personal development (as if I could). But I am going to
try and beat myself up a little less and rest in my Father's love a
little more. Stop regretting the past or fearing the future and
enjoying the present because He's here with me.
Most of all, I'm going to focus on laying down all my shoulds at the feet of the great I AM. Because He cares for me...and meets my needs...and strengthens me...and because I AM is always going to be enough for me. And I AM trumps I should.
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