For me, it started with a sore throat.
Even though I felt really tired all week and it was a huge struggle to get up every morning, I didn’t think anything of it until my throat started hurting and I started getting really congested and achy all over. Still, I assumed it was a cold but when I realized I was panting and struggling to catch my breath, I became concerned and began googling COVID symptoms. Even though I was a little alarmed, I tried to convince myself I was overreacting. For a lot of reasons I'm not going to go into, I really didn't want to be tested. But my husband is immune-suppressed and I decided I just couldn't risk it. I went to a mobile testing center, where they swabbed me in my car and told me I would receive a text the following day if the test was negative and a call if it was positive. [For the record, the test itself was fine - nobody likes a q-tip up the nose but it wasn't especially invasive or uncomfortable, certainly nothing to be afraid of.]
The next day I was still really tired and congested, with the same sore throat, and my nose had also started to run. I also realized that I didn't have any sense of smell or taste. This sounds like a minor annoyance but it really bothered me - I cannot describe what a strange and disconcerting feeling it is not to be able to smell or taste at all.
When I finally received the call that I had tested positive for COVID, I was instructed to let my family, friends, and employer know but I wasn't give any further instructions like how long to quarantine, how long I had been contagious, etc. (In hindsight, that might be because the caller was eager to get off the phone with me after I started bawling.) I felt completely overwhelmed and scared and (irrationally) embarrassed.
[For the record, the governor in my state requires a mask in public (as does my employer) so I couldn't imagine where or how I could have been exposed. I still have no idea. I don't supposed it really matters.]
I let my family know, contacted my employer, and reached out the handful of people I had interacted with during the week. I felt guilty for putting anyone at risk and irrationally weak and annoyed at myself for getting tested in the first place.
The symptoms, for me, have been mild. I’ve definitely been sick but I've been fortunate that I don't have underlying health issues and I've been able to be home alone to recover. After several days of mostly blowing my nose and sleeping, I have finally started feeling a little better. I'm praying that my strength returns soon and I won’t feel so winded. I’m also eagerly awaiting the return of my senses of smell and taste.
Emotionally, however, it has been a rough week. I have felt lonely and ostracized. I've been irrationally angry at the world and have battled self-pity almost constantly. It has been humiliating to have my workplace completely shut down, and heartbreaking to wait and hope and pray no one around me was exposed. From the moment I got the call that I tested positive, I have felt like a pariah.
I've realized that this virus has changed the world in a lot of ways that I don't think are good for our humanity. Still, this post isn't intended to be about the politics that unfortunately surround this whole pandemic or about the ways I wish things were different. I simply wanted to share my limited experience. I've deliberately kept this quiet but as I move to toward the end of my quarantine period, I am becoming less concerned with the optics of this situation. As usual, I am discovering there is always much to be thankful for even in difficult times.
I am grateful for friends and coworkers who reached out to check on me. I'm grateful for praying loved ones. I'm grateful for everyone around that received a negative test. I'm grateful for grocery delivery. I'm grateful that my husband had a place to stay to avoid further exposure. I'm grateful for my immune system and the fact that, so far, it looks like I will come through this whole mess with restored health.
And yet...
This situation has reminded me once again that, at the end of day, all I can depend on is Jesus.
Everything else can be stripped away.
Even though this has been a temporary situation and I've still had phone calls and FaceTime and text messages full of love and good wishes, I have felt very much alone. I've been reminded no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, we are not in control. I have to be reminded of this over and over. Any control I feel is an illusion.
These things are always true - I just get sidetracked sometimes, focused on the comfort of my illusions.
My only hope is Jesus.
My only safety is Jesus.
My only health is Jesus.
My only confidence is Jesus.
My only peace is Jesus.
My only comfort is Jesus.
My only rest is Jesus.
Jesus.
I'm ashamed because I didn't arrive at these conclusions quickly during this whole mess. Because I know all this. I've learned it all before. Repeatedly. But I am so quick to forget. Over the past several days, I have been focused on my circumstances, on my embarrassment, on the news, on whatever information I could find on the internet. I have cycled through fear and anger and hatred and bitterness and self-pity. I spent several days wallowing around in the pit before I would even turn to God for help. Thankfully, He is endlessly patient with me and He always gives me rest and peace if I ask, even if I'm slow to ask.
There's no moral to this story. I'm have no political message or insight. Mostly, I just feel tired and weak and overwhelmed and lonely and discouraged.
But I also have hope. I have rest and peace and comfort. Because Jesus loves me. He is with me and He promises never to leave me. He's not overwhelmed by my circumstances or this messy world.
And at the end of the day, He is all I need.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
-Matthew 11:28-30
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Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
-John 14:27
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Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will surely strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-Isaiah 41:10
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