I love a new month! It's like a blank slate, a fresh start, a do-over. And after the last month, I could really use all of the above. My intention is always to start off awesome - get up early, work out, spend time reading my bible, etc. etc.
That didn't happen today. Instead, I totally overslept.
I couldn't sleep last night because something I posted on here offended someone I care about. That truly wasn't my intent and what I posted was true so I immediately wanted to explain and defend myself, but all night as I tossed and turned, God kept telling me to lay it down. Telling me that He's my defender. Telling me that the part of me that wants to explain and justify is pride and fear of man. Telling me to rest...to trust Him...to let go.
The verse that kept coming back to me is this one:
(Jesus speaking:) "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:43
Now I don't think of the person I accidentally hurt as my enemy so I couldn't figure out why this verse kept coming to my mind. Then I felt like God showed me that I might unknowingly be the enemy. What the what?!?!?
Perhaps because of the strain in the relationship and a myriad of other circumstances, I feel like the enemy to this person? Perhaps it's not about this person but other people that view me as the enemy right now? Perhaps its some altogether different concept I just haven't been able to grasp yet?
I have no idea but I do know that I have been studying about practicing the fruits of the spirit and the one God has given me to focus on is love. Seriously. Like I couldn't use a little break from that particular four-letter word. But He's the boss and He keeps bringing me back to love. Love strangers. Love those who don't love me. Love when it costs you something. Love when it makes you look stupid. Love when you don't have the time or energy. And now, apparently, love your enemies even if they are completely unknown to you.
So I'm praying and practicing love to the best of my ability and letting go of trying to control how other people see me or my motives. If you read this and I am your enemy, would you consider saying a little prayer for me?
***
P.S. Despite my good intentions, it is so easy for me to fall back into trying to control how others perceive me. I keep learning over and over that no matter how much I want someone to understand my heart or my love for them even if they don't love me back, I have no control over how someone interprets my words and actions. I get no say in how people respond to me.
In His infinite wisdom and mercy, God keeps reminding me I have to stop trying to please men and trust Him with those I feel misunderstood by, those I'm worried about, those I want to help but cannot. It's a constant struggle to let go and acknowledge that sometimes I can do nothing to change someone else's mind/heart/circumstances.
Still, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration and He loves those I love perfectly. He will make good out of everything I surrender to Him. So I keep trying to lay it all down.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18
And one of my all-time favorites:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
Lord, I truly want your peace - for me and for those that I know are struggling. I want to love others well - even those that would call me their enemy. Help me stop trying to control perceptions and plead my case. Help me remember that You are in control. You are always working things out for good. Only you, Lord, can change the hearts of men. Only you can heal and restore. Only you are able to make all things work for good and for your glory. I ask for your supernatural peace to be poured out. Help me fix my eyes on you, Lord, and refuse to defend myself or seek to influence or control. I surrender, Lord. I trust you know best.
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