For a week or so I was feeling much better - hopeful, joyful, expectant. But over the weekend, the clouds of self-pity rolled back in, the tears came down and I found myself back in a flood of negativity, bitterness and pain. I'm not sure where it came from. I really thought I had come to peace with everything. I accept that its over. I know God has already used it for more good than I thought possible and I know He isn't finished. I wouldn't go back to the way things were now even if that was an option and I know its not. I'm excited and hopeful about the future. I know God will take care of those I love that are no longer a part of my life. He has good plans for all of us. I trust Him to bring them to pass. I have joy and peace and expectation for this new season of growth and change.
And yet...I've been sad the last few days and I don't know why. I suppose there are just so many things I still don't understand. How do you go from planning a life together to never speaking again? Why bring me into the family and make me feel a part of something and then suddenly take it all back? How can someone love you one day and feel nothing at all for you days later? Why make promises like forever and "I'll never hurt you" only to turn around and break them all without any explanation? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Didn't I deserve a face-to-face conversation? How could I be so easily and so quickly replaced and rejected by everyone I thought cared about me? How could I have been so mistaken to think this was my fairytale?
I know the questions aren't really fair. There are three sides to every story - his, mine and the truth. I know that I will never get answers, even if there were answers to be had. A part of me just wants an explanation or a simple, but genuine "I'm sorry." I guess I'd like an acknowledgment that promises were made and broken and I didn't just make the whole thing up...that I didn't start this or accelerate it, that I wasn't plotting some elaborate life for us all by myself, that we both bought into this love and got swept away by it, even if only for a moment. I suppose I would like a face-to-face conversation so I can look into those eyes I've adored my whole life - to get one last look and hopefully see for myself that I didn't completely misjudge this person for thirty years...that the good is still there, that it hurt him to hurt me, that neither of us ever dreamed it would turn out this way.
But I'm not going to get any of that. There will be no closure because sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes, despite all the best intentions, feelings change. Circumstances get in the way. Promises that were true when given become impossible to keep. I don't know if I believe any of that but whether or not I do, I think it might still be true. I don't think there was a malicious intent. I think sometimes life is overwhelming and the path of least resistance just becomes the only way out when you're mentally and physically and emotionally beaten down. I think easy becomes more appealing that honest. Maybe it's easier to scrap everything and start over, fresh, without all the pressure and obligation and expectation.
Part of my problem in life is that I like things to be clear cut - black or white, right or wrong, good guy and bad guy...but the reality is that a whole lot of life, especially life with other human beings, ends up being lived in the gray area.
The bottom line is I don't understand and I may never understand. I don't have closure and I probably never will. I still have to go forward and trust that God is still good and everything that happens in my life is filtered through His kindness. Perhaps knowing that is enough.
When I try to understand my circumstances, I end up lost in a sea of confusion, doubt, fear, anxiety, self-pity and discouragement. But when I fix my eyes on God - His goodness, His power, His sovereignty, and His provision, the waters calm and I can rest and hope and wait in joyful expectation because He's always working for my good and always surprising me with His exceedingly, abundantly more.
"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"
Psalm 8:3-4
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6
So tonight, I'm choosing to let go of trying to understand and I'm accepting that there is no closure. Because God loves me and He's good and He's sovereign and He promises to use all things for good. And that will be enough.
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