- I've gotten a revelation I want to remember or need to put into practice
- I'm working through something and struggling and I hope that by putting it out into cyberspace I can get a revelation
If I'm being honest...I have been praying a lot more than normal lately just to get through the days (and nights) so I feel like I've been learning a lot more than normal (and therefore posting a lot more than normal). It often works like that for me - you can see it in the timeline of this blog. In the valleys, I seek God with a lot more consistency and intensity...then He brings me out into the green meadow beside the still waters and I get distracted by other things or just busy enjoying the fact that I'm not in a valley anymore. Inevitably, I drift off course and eventually find myself back in the valley. Once I'm there, my misery and confusion drive me back to seeking God and His rescue. And because He is faithful even when I am not, He never rejects me. Instead, He welcomes me with open arms and I always find myself wondering why I ever looked for joy or peace or satisfaction anywhere other than in Him.
If I'm being honest...this pattern of up and down, near and far from God has been the story of my life. Although I have always loved God and been drawn to spiritual things, even as a young child, I haven't walked with Him very consistently. We do lots of trips in and out of the valley. And because of my inconsistency in seeking Him, I haven't experienced the victorious life I'm promised as a believer.
Take, for example, the past several months. I had other priorities - things I thought were good priorities - that kept me from focusing on God. I didn't have the time or inclination to really seek Him and His will. It wasn't that I turned my back on Him or stopped believing altogether. I just didn't have room or time in my life to make him a priority. And because of the growing distance between us, I made choices I knew dishonored Him. I ignored His whispered warnings and red flags. I focused on my desires and didn't consider what was best for those around me. Not because I didn't want to be obedient or because I didn't trust God. I just had other things I wanted more and I thought it would work out ok in the end because I love Him and He loves me and He's forgiving. Besides, everyone falls short, right? I know lots of people that didn't do everything right at the beginning of their relationship and it still all worked out. The rules are kind of impractical in this day and age, aren't they?
The only reason I mention all of this is clarify that I don't walk around on a cloud of holiness obeying God and hearing His voice 24/7. Not that anyone thinks that...especially anyone that knows me.
Still, I don't want a single person to read this and think I'm trying to come across as holier than thou. I'm not.
If I'm being honest...I'm a complete hot mess, despite my prayers and studies and good intentions and even with all God's power and love and goodness working in me. I still have road rage on a daily basis...basically every single time I get behind the wheel. My attitude at work right now is atrocious. I gossip. I whine and complain. I battle with self-pity to an embarrassing degree. Sometimes I go out with a friend for happy hour, have one glass of wine too many and send long, sad emails or texts to people that I know do not want to hear from me anymore. I'm undisciplined to a degree that is appalling. (A few examples: I have stayed up until nearly 1 a.m. every night this week on social media, I have done so much online shopping lately that I get as many Amazon shipping notices as I do family group texts, and I have been eating cookie dough for dinner lately...and those are just off the top of my head.) I try to control people when I feel insecure and when I feel hurt or scared, I push the ones I love to their breaking point. Even when God tells me to let things go and trust Him with them, sometimes I still think He needs my help and I end up being a bit of a stalker and ultimately making things much, much worse. I'm prideful and selfish and lazy and sometimes I'm downright mean...and I could go on and on with my flaws and failures...and those are just the ones I'm brave enough to mention.
I just want to make it clear that these notes are part of my struggle...my journey toward and with God...and not an attempt to make myself look like I have it altogether, which should be obvious from the notes themselves. I know better than anyone how far I am from where I want to be. I know the smallest hint of good in me is only the result of God's miraculous work.
Still, if I'm being honest...I know I'm not the same person I was when we started this walk...and I'm pressing on to where God wants to lead me. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that I am perfectly loved.
These notes are a way of trying to sort out and settle the lessons I feel like God is teaching me. I share them because I feel like He's asked me to even though it makes me feel raw and exposed sometimes. I try not to worry about how people respond because I know I'm doing this for Him and not for anyone else. But if I'm being honest, sometimes I still worry about sharing this much of my soul. I'm scared about how people will take it and use it and whether or not they will judge me. I'm afraid of what happens when I stumble or stop hearing God or hear Him completely wrong.
But...if I'm being honest...none of that matters when I return my eyes to Him.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:14
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
Still, I don't want a single person to read this and think I'm trying to come across as holier than thou. I'm not.
If I'm being honest...I'm a complete hot mess, despite my prayers and studies and good intentions and even with all God's power and love and goodness working in me. I still have road rage on a daily basis...basically every single time I get behind the wheel. My attitude at work right now is atrocious. I gossip. I whine and complain. I battle with self-pity to an embarrassing degree. Sometimes I go out with a friend for happy hour, have one glass of wine too many and send long, sad emails or texts to people that I know do not want to hear from me anymore. I'm undisciplined to a degree that is appalling. (A few examples: I have stayed up until nearly 1 a.m. every night this week on social media, I have done so much online shopping lately that I get as many Amazon shipping notices as I do family group texts, and I have been eating cookie dough for dinner lately...and those are just off the top of my head.) I try to control people when I feel insecure and when I feel hurt or scared, I push the ones I love to their breaking point. Even when God tells me to let things go and trust Him with them, sometimes I still think He needs my help and I end up being a bit of a stalker and ultimately making things much, much worse. I'm prideful and selfish and lazy and sometimes I'm downright mean...and I could go on and on with my flaws and failures...and those are just the ones I'm brave enough to mention.
I just want to make it clear that these notes are part of my struggle...my journey toward and with God...and not an attempt to make myself look like I have it altogether, which should be obvious from the notes themselves. I know better than anyone how far I am from where I want to be. I know the smallest hint of good in me is only the result of God's miraculous work.
Still, if I'm being honest...I know I'm not the same person I was when we started this walk...and I'm pressing on to where God wants to lead me. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm learning that I am perfectly loved.
These notes are a way of trying to sort out and settle the lessons I feel like God is teaching me. I share them because I feel like He's asked me to even though it makes me feel raw and exposed sometimes. I try not to worry about how people respond because I know I'm doing this for Him and not for anyone else. But if I'm being honest, sometimes I still worry about sharing this much of my soul. I'm scared about how people will take it and use it and whether or not they will judge me. I'm afraid of what happens when I stumble or stop hearing God or hear Him completely wrong.
But...if I'm being honest...none of that matters when I return my eyes to Him.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:14
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
I swear Joni- this makes me cry SO HARD- I can't hArdly see what I'm typing!!! I k ow what you're feeling and feel it over and over and over and I sometimes wonder - "will it ever quit??" People tell me it will- but it's been a year now and there are days when I feel like I'm totally going backwards!!! And yes- I've had TWO glasses of wine--Lolol- I love you and hope to see you next month!
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