on expecting good (or which wolf are you feeding)

I have always considered myself an optimist, a glass half full, keep on the sunny side of life, everything happens for a reason kind of Pollyanna.  But over the past few years, a subtle pessimism somehow snuck into my thinking.  At some point, a seed of doubt had been sown into my faith.  A hint of mistrust toward my Heavenly Father had developed despite walking with God all these years.  Faith was supposed to be one of my spiritual gifts but mine felt tattered and worn.  I don't know when it started and I really hadn't noticed it until people close to me started pointing out my negativity...but over time, it had started to color every facet of my life.

So I went to a counselor.  She recommended that I start focusing on gratefulness.  I downloaded an app on my phone that would prompt me every evening to answer a few questions about my day and list things that made me happy and what I was grateful for.  At the end of the questions, the app would ask me to select a picture to describe the weather (raindrops, sunshine, wind) and how I felt (happy face, sad face, mad face).  The thing that really struck me after a few weeks was how many days I picked the happy face.  Even on days I would have characterized as "bad" or "stressful" I still felt more happy than sad or mad or even neutral.  It sounds silly but it was a very eye-opening exercise for me to realize that even though I was focusing on the negative, all and all, the overall picture of my life was pretty positive.

After a period of focusing on gratitude, things seemed to start turning around for me.  It was almost as if my positive attitude was attracting more positivity.  My house that I had been trying to sell for seven years finally sold.  I got interviews for really competitive and prestigious job opportunities and ultimately was offered an incredibly rare position that on paper seemed impossible for me.  The boy I had a crush on my entire life showed up on my doorstep and declared his love for me.  I met his kids and fell in love with them and they seemed to like me back.  After 37 years of longing for a family, I finally felt like I was part of one.  I thought all my dreams were coming true.  Life just kept getting better and better.

And then it all fell apart.

Suddenly, I was right back in the pit.  In spite of all the answered prayers and all that I still had to be grateful for, all I could see was what I'd lost.  My pessimism returned.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up or believed I could be happy because things never go my way.  I knew God couldn't be trusted to give me something I'd always wanted, of course He wants me alone and miserable and carrying my cross and bearing my thorn.  Of course I wasn't chosen...I will always be unwanted, I'm unlovable and cursed, rejected and discarded like garbage.  How could I have ever believed that I could be happy?

The enemy whispered constantly in my ear every lie I'd ever believed about myself and picked at every wound I'd ever suffered.  I tried to pray and seek God but deep down, I didn't really trust a God who allowed this heartbreak...especially after I was FINALLY so happy.  I cried.  I screamed.  I laid on the floor and wished I could die.  I sat in the adorable car I loved in the garage of my beautiful new home and considered driving away from my life and disappearing.

It's been a little over two weeks since the first sign of trouble and a little over a week since the bottom fell out of all my hopes and dreams for the future.  Some days have gotten a little easier.  I think of all that God can teach me in this season and hope that maybe what was can be restored.  But some days are still almost unbearable.  I think if this is my life, I don't want it, please just let me get hit by a bus or struck by a meteorite already.

Even as I write this, I don't have answers or clarity and I haven't gotten any revelations.  Really, there is absolutely no reason for me to blog this - it can't possibly help me or anyone else.  I really don't even know if there IS an answer, much less if I can figure it out or understand it if its shown to me.

But I always feel the urge to write these little notes to myself when something inexplicable starts bothering me.  When thoughts get stuck in my head or well up in my chest and I can't sort them out but I know somehow that I need to.  And the thing that keeps niggling at the edge of my consciousness is the idea of TRUTH.  What's true?  What do I know to be absolutely true?  Not what do I feel (hopeless, rejected, brokenhearted) and not what do my circumstances scream at me (no one will ever love you once they know you, you will never have a family, you will never get to stay happy) but what is completely indisputably true?

I'm not sure but a few things keep popping into my head:

God is good.  

God loves me.  

God's plans for me are good.  

God doesn't change. 

My circumstances do not reveal anything about God's character or feelings for me.  What He did on the cross settled that.

Nothing I do makes me more or less lovable to God - His love is based on His nature, not mine.

To be completely honest, sometimes knowing truth really doesn't help.  I just want my happiness back and nothing else matters.  Fix it, Lord.  Give it back.  Let me be happy again.  Make the pain stop.  Please, God.  Please.  I'm begging you.  I know you can, please just come through for me with this one thing.  You know how much I love them.  You know how much I want the life we planned.

But other times, I realize (even if only fleetingly) that my feelings and my circumstances are temporary and truth is eternal.  That God is the whole point of my existence, and my happiness and desires are insignificant.  I trust you, Lord.  I know you're good.  I know you will work this all out for my good and your glory.  Help me not to waiver in unbelief.  I know your timing is perfect.  I know your plans are better than mine.  Help me rest in you. 

To say it is a constant battle would be a huge understatement. 

***

My mom loves the old story about two wolves.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.  “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”  
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”



She constantly asks me, "Which wolf are you feeding?"  I've always understood the metaphor but this is perhaps the strongest I've ever felt the fight raging in me.  Fear or faith.  Belief or unbelief.  Trust or doubt.  Hope or despair.  Joy or misery.  Life or death.  

God...or satan?

Maybe that seems like an exaggeration or overstatement...but I'm not so sure.  Because if you aren't siding with God, then who are you siding with?  If you're calling God a liar or questioning His intentions, whose character assessment are you choosing to believe?

***

I don't have a verse or an answer right now.  I feel weak and broken and sad and afraid.  I don't want to be ripped apart by my internal wolves.  I don't want to be tossed to and fro or live double-minded.  I don't want to walk in defeat and doubt and fear for another second when as a believer, God already secured victory for me.  But at the same time, I still want to cry and beg God to give back all that's been taken from me.  Please.  Please.  Please.

I don't know how I'm going to manage it right now, but I want to choose faith...and belief...and trust...and hope...and joy...and life.  I want to side with God.  I want to believe Him. I want to rest in Him and wait on Him.  I know He deserves that. 

I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but I want to feed the right wolf...and I want to starve, once and for all and forever, the wrong one.

Help me, Lord.