Let me back up...the man of my dreams and childhood prince charming showed up on my doorstop a few months ago and told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear. From the first moment, it was like something out of a movie. We were perfect together. We laughed and told all our secrets and met each other's friends and family. We planned for the future and starting dreaming together. We were happy. We were going to be happy forever.
Only, I left out one little detail. He wasn't completely free from his past.
Still, when my true love said he needed time and space to deal with everything he hadn't dealt with, I really thought it would be ok because we loved each other...and because we were childhood sweethearts...and because we were so very happy and God wants us to be happy, right?
Yes.
And no.
God has good plans for us. He loves us. He dreams dreams for us we couldn't possibly come up with for ourselves. But He wants us to trust Him...and He wants us to be obedient. And sometimes, He knows what we need better than we do.
So in my prayers, I have been asking God to give me back this love that made me so happy. I told Him I would wait as long as it takes. I would do whatever He wanted me to. I begged and pleaded and cried my eyes out and prayed with all my heart.
Today, God told me no.
He showed me what I was begging for wasn't any of the things I thought it was. He revealed in a painful and completely unexpected way that my prince charming wasn't coming back - instead he had already moved on to a new love. The life we had planned together was over before it had begun.
I immediately began to question everything. Were we ever really happy? Was it ever really love? Why did God allow this?
But the unknown answers to those questions don't really matter.
Because the truth is, my love was never free to be mine. I knew it from the beginning but I thought maybe since God loves me and wants me to be happy, He could overlook the fine print. Sometimes two people are meant to be so the rules shouldn't apply.
But that's the thing...the rules aren't there for God - they are there for MY protection.
His principles (like you reap what you sow) are a kindness to us. God's mercy shows us what we can expect. By ignoring God's boundaries and truths, I put myself in the position to get crushed. To save me, God allowed the crushing. This isn't to say that I think God was punishing me - I don't believe that at all. God loves me. He wants good for me. So if He allowed this, its for my benefit and His glory.
So tonight, even though I lost everything I thought I wanted, I have peace. I have hope for healing. I have a powerful reminder that God loves me too much to give me what I beg for if what I'm begging for isn't really good for me. And I have a lesson - to wait on Him next time...to seek His will and not my own...to trust that His boundaries are for my good.
So I can thank God for the no along with the broken heart and healing balm that His love is already pouring out over me. Because the no to my request was really a yes to what I should have asked for from the beginning...not my will, Lord, but yours.
I need everything God gives me, and want [or feel the lack of] nothing He denies me.
- Joseph Elliot
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