on love

I'm in love.

In some ways, I have loved this person most of my life.  For a brief, shining moment I thought he loved me too and we were really happy.  But now he doesn't love me anymore.  He has hurt me in ways I can barely believe.  And even though I know I have to let go and trust God to bring good out of this somehow, it doesn't change my feelings.  I still love him.

I have peace about the situation.  I'm actually kind of excited about what God is going to do.  I have hope for what the future holds even though our futures are not going to be together.

And yet, I still love him.

I was thinking about it this morning and I realized that's ok.  Because that's what true love is sometimes like, isn't it?

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Luke 6:35

I've decided this is a way God can grow me...and teach me...and make me a little more like Him.  Eventually, I know He can be trusted to heal my heart.  I'm hopeful that someday He will enable me to love someone else who will love me back.  But until then, I'm not going to try to focus on the bad or allow myself to be angry or bitter.

I'm going to just keep praying about this person I love.  For him, for his family, for his new relationship.  I'm going to smile about the good memories I have of us.  I'm going to believe the best about him because people make mistakes and sometimes cause pain without any intention to.  I'm going to wish good things for him because when you love someone, you want him to have a happy life even if you won't be in it.  I'm going to love him not because I want something in return - there is no hope of that - but because God showed me what selfless love looks like and then asked me to follow His example.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.  John 13:34-35

So even though I have good days and bad days, even though I struggle with anger, with missing him, with feeling sorry for myself, with bitterness toward the woman who came between us, with questioning God's hand in all this, with regret for the choices I've made, I keep trying to return to love.  Because God does that for me.  And love never fails.