on finding forgiveness

Grief comes in waves.  One moment you're standing in the water and feeling like maybe you're going to be ok...maybe you will be able to walk back to shore and resume your life after all, maybe you can lean back and rest on the water...

then the next thing you know you're upside down and under the churning sea, drowning, choking, eyes stinging, heart racing, utterly disoriented.

And just about the time your feet find the sand below you and your lungs gasp the air above you, the next wave hits.

***

Over the past few weeks, I've been in and out of valleys and deserts, through all the stages of grief (repeatedly and out of order), and up and down more than a roller coaster.  I've confidently assured people that its all going to work out, things just need a little time.  I've spent nights on the floor in my shower sobbing my eyes out because I will never love again.  I've binge-watched Suits and eaten ice creme and I've slept entire days away.  Some days I've even gone through the motions of my normal life.  

The last few days I've had new information that both closed the door of any hope for future reconciliation but also shed new light on everything I thought this whole thing was but obviously was not.  In some ways, it was freeing.  A weight lifted and I felt peace...but then the anger started and I launched into action. 

I unfriended all of the people he introduced me to.  Then I contacted my favorites and told them why.  

I deleted every picture of us left on my phone and every message he'd sent me.  Only after re-sending them to him so he could remember all the lies he told me.

I shredded all the letters I've been writing during this "break" and canceled our trip to Hawaii. 

I took everything he'd ever given me - the key to his house, a shirt he loaned me, the note saying how much he loved me - and mailed it back to him.

Occasionally, I'd take a break to Facebook stalk the new girlfriend to remind myself why we are never ever ever ever getting back together.  On one such mission, I discovered the overlap between our ending and their beginning and became enraged and devastated all over again.

I blocked them both on Facebook and deleted every picture I'd ever posted of the two of us. 

I uploaded posters with pointed messages and described how I'd been wronged by him then made sure the posts were public so he (and all his friends and family) could see them if they wanted to look.

***

The last time I saw him, I had driven 6.5 hours to surprise him for Father's Day on Sunday.  I made him his favorite meal and gave him and his kids tickets to go to the amusement park.

On the following Tuesday, he told me I had shown him what real love was.  That night he asked for a little time and space to sort out his stress. I did not respond well because it seemed so out of the blue - something felt off but I was still believing we were forever so I agonized for a week while he "worked on his stress."

I texted to see if he still wanted to me to come see him for the 4th as we had planned and the next morning he called and told me he needed to be alone to focus on his kids and he couldn't handle a relationship right now - he just had too much to deal with.

A few days later he celebrated the 4th with a new girlfriend and her kids.

***

Tonight I had what may be the last conversation I will ever have with the grown-up version of the little boy I fell in love with over 30 years ago.  The same person I truly believed was the man of my dreams less than a month ago.

He was cruel and cold and condescending.  I was shrill and bitter and judgmental.

He blamed me for pushing and denied any wrong-doing.  I called him a liar and threw every promise he made and broke in his face.

I ended up hanging up on him and then immediately sending a text that I'm sorry because I hate ending something that once meant so much to me on such an ugly note.

I want to take back every unkind word - but I also want to throat punch him until he comes up with a decent apology.  I want the ending to be less ugly because the beginning was so beautiful.  I want to find a way to have peace.  And again, I realize, I'm not going to get what I want in this.

Still, the truth is, I love him.  In spite of everything that can never be undone, I truly in my heart of hearts want him to be happy and to have the best life he can.  I want him to be the man - the father, the spouse, the friend - that I still believe he's capable of being...even if its never going to be with me.

But its over and there is no way to deny all big and small wounds we've inflicted on each other.  

Ultimately, that's how I know it was really love - at least for me.  He may not have meant any of it but I know I did because I still want good for him.  Oh, I absolutely regret every mistake and would take back so many of the choices I made - so so many - but I can still walk away knowing I gave him every single bit of love I had to offer.  I wasn't wise or cautious (and I suffered for it) and heaven knows I wasn't perfect, but I loved him with all I had.

And now, I'm left to sort through the regrets and mistakes and hurt and anger and broken pieces of my heart and hopes and dreams.  

I'm trying to hold every little thing up to God and give it to Him to handle.  I tell him how sorry I am.  I ask him to remove my sin as far from me as the east is from the west and to take every handful of ashes and make it into something beautiful.  I ask Him to forgive us both, to heal us, to set us free.

I'm sorry, Lord.  Help me let go.  Heal me, Father.  Help me forgive.  Give us your peace.

I'm trying to catalog the good that came out of the heartbreak - the big things (I met wonderful people through him, since it ended dozens of friends reached out to comfort me) and the small things (I lost 10 pounds) and the really important things (I returned to a consistent prayer life, God has been faithful, I found peace that passes understanding).

Thank you for the good memories, Lord.  Help me not to forget that it wasn't always a disaster.  Help him remember my best moments.  Thank you for drawing near and loving me and holding my heart.

I know we will probably never speak or see each other again.  The idea of "us" from childhood is forever tainted, and in some ways, the loss of that fairytale is as painful as the loss of the reality.  No matter how much good God brings out of this, there will always be a scar over this relationship, this season.  

But I've drawn a line in the sand.  I won't cry any more tears for something we never really were.  I'm done being sad over someone I meant so little to.  I'm fixing my eyes on God and trusting Him with my future, whatever it looks like.

I'm not sure how long forgiveness will take.  I choose it over and over but then another wave knocks me down and I come up gasping and spitting and cursing his name.  Why.  Why.  Why.  

But I refuse to allow the enemy any more ground in this.  He has taken more than his share from both of us already.  

So I refuse to resent her.  I refuse to wish him ill.  I refuse to hate.  I refuse to stop praying for his family.

Lord, give him wisdom.  Send your hound of heaven after him and don't allow the enemy to cause him any more turmoil.  Protect his kids.  Heal their hearts.  Give them peace.  Do a miracle in the mess.  Show them mercy.  Show them your best plans for them.  

I refuse to be bitter.  I refuse to keep judging because I remember my own shortcomings.  I refuse to question God's love.  I accept that I may never understand.  I refuse to be negative about the future.

God, I know you can work all things for good.  I know you love all of us.  I know you have good plans for us.  Do a miracle.  Be glorified.  Redeem all this heartache and searching.  Save us, we're lost.

***

The waves still come and sometimes I slip underneath the surface.  I can't see or breathe or move for a moment.  But my feet keep finding the ocean floor.  I keep standing back up.  I keep wiping my eyes and gasping for breath.  I keep moving toward the shore. 

Eventually the crashing force that keeps knocking me down will just be a gentle lapping tide around my ankles.  

Eventually I will walk steady on dry ground.

Eventually my broken heart will be healed and hopeful.  

Eventually my hurt and anger will be completely and securely replaced with peace and forgiveness.  

Eventually.