on unexpected joy and peace

I just realized something surprising: I feel really good today. 

I'm not tired, sad, stressed or mad.  I'm not in pain, my mind isn't turning over and over or obsessing, I'm not unfocused or distracted to the point of being barely unable to function.  I'm not afraid of the future or discouraged about the present or inconsolable over the past.

Nothing in my circumstances has changed. 

I'm not having a very good hair day and I'm way behind at work.  I overslept this morning and didn't start the day with a special time of prayer or reflection.  I haven't gotten any special revelations and I still don't understand the season I find myself in. 

I have no explanation whatsoever but I feel really good.  Its not happiness based on something good happening in my circumstances.  Its deeper...fuller...mysterious and lovely and wonderful.

Joy.  With a side of peace.

The bible talks a lot about joy and peace:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  James 1:2-3

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do."  Ecclesiastes 9:7

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  John 14:27

And two of my favorite verses ever:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3 

Now that I think about it, I think it started last night.  I didn't take my dog for a walk or work out or eat dinner.  I didn't clean or work or do anything productive.  Nope, I sat on my couch watching Suits, surfing the internet and crying about things I may never understand.  Sounds fun, right? 

Then, at some point, I stopped crying.  I started moving.  A weight lifted.  I caught up on listening to my voxer group and when I sent back my messages, I heard myself laughing and cracking jokes.  When I had to get up and let my barking dog out in the middle of the night, I didn't get impatient or mad, I just did it and went back to bed.  Driving to work this morning, even though I was late, I didn't get irritated with myself or other drivers.  While sitting at work and looking at all the things I need to get done between now and the end of the month, I didn't feel overwhelmed or immobilized.  Then walking on the sidewalk back in to my office after running out to my car, it hit me like a bold of lightning.  I feel really good. 

Joy.  Peace.

If I can't explain how I got here, why make a note?  Maybe to point out that part of having joy and peace is realizing it when you do and pausing to appreciate it, to revel in it. 

Maybe to say sometimes it isn't something you have to struggle to get, its something freely available if you will let go of whatever is blocking it. 

Maybe just to reassure those of you that have been wondering if I might need some professional help or a short term commitment to a psychiatric facility. :) 

Or maybe just to stop and thank God for giving it...for the knowledge that in spite of all that's lost, joy and peace are still possible...and they feel really good.

***

P.S. Thank you for all the prayers.  They are felt and appreciated.  God is so faithful.