I have been praying for a husband for a lot of years. Consistently for more than 5 years, and on and off for over a decade.
So if I prayed every day for five years, that's 1,825 prayers. Even if I only prayed once a week for ten years, that's 520 prayers. When you add in the prayers of family and friends who know my heart...well, you get the picture. Its a lot of prayers.
I still don't have a husband.
***
Last weekend while walking with my mom I said something really awful and selfish and I don't even want to type it out because I'm so ashamed. Basically, I said this singular lack in my life is the worst possible thing God could do to me - worse than losing a limb or cancer.
(Yes, I know that was not only an incredibly insensitive thing to say, it's also ridiculous and stupid. I warned you it was awful and selfish!!!)
***
Lately, I've started to realize that as much as I would like a husband and a family, God doesn't owe me one. He's good whether I ever have one. He's done so many other kind things for me.
The thing that got me thinking about this was a text from my mom. I've been struggling and my mom has been right there with me, praying unceasingly, encouraging me, loving me when I was at my lowest and worst. She's been through the ringer with me - basically my entire life (I'm a difficult child) - and she's continued to speak hope and blessing and love over me. It occurred to me, if the only kind thing God ever did for me was give me this particular mom, that would be enough kindness for a lifetime...but that's not even the whole of it. My dad is quite amazing too - generous and loving and good. They have been married 40+ years and still really like each other. I have never done without or lacked for love or support. I also have two sisters that are my best friends. They take care of me and love me even when I'm awful. They make me laugh and let me cry and never stop telling me good things about myself. That doesn't even touch on the many wonderful friends I have all over the place - Tennessee and Texas and Oklahoma and all over the place. I could go on and on and on and never get to the good health or the opportunities for education or jobs to pay my bills or a roof over my head (a quite lovely one, actually)...and after a very long list of good things, I would finally get to things I absolutely take for granted that many people all over the world pray to have and don't. Things like clean water and religious freedom and enough to eat. And of these pale in comparison to the biggest blessing God has given me: Himself.
[I won't go into it again but I've written on resting before.]
So I don't have a husband. Am I really going to focus on that and deliberately ignore all the big and small ways God has blessed me over and over and over? Really??? Shame on me.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ... Ephesians 5:20
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation of shadow due to change. James 1:17
Forgive me, Lord, for my short memory and selfishness. Thank you for your mercy and goodness that has nothing to do with me. Thank you for grace that is completely undeserved. Thank you that you're faithful when I am not. Thank you for meeting every need and giving me every good gift. I trust you, Lord. You're all I need but thank you that you are a God of more.
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